Morbid Curiosity

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21
  1. Probably not in most of the ways you mean it. There are ways of preserving the human body indefinitely, but it requires very careful and time consuming work, not the sort of thing the average LFD could do for you(And taxidermists have no license for humans).

As for the museums, and your hallway, maybe. Permits would be required(For your hallway you would probably need a museum type non-profit corp. status, like ‘The Uncle Bob Institute’) and I have no idea what permits they might be, but a quick call(Read: 3 hours of being transferred to someone else.) to your state’s board of Funeral Directors or the National Funeral Directors Association should clear that up. The Mutter Museum and the Smithsonian both maintain several exibits of human remains in various forms, although none quite like Uncle Bob, so it is legal in some way, probably dependant on how wealthy you are.

  1. Clowns? Nope. I have had funerals where various forms of non funeral type music were played(i.e. ‘Born to be wild’), and people who were funny in life tend to have funny funerals, with a Pastor and family members telling jokes at the podium and recounting funny stories, leaving the crowd in both laughter and tears.

On a personal note, my father’s funeral was hysterical, and we laughed a lot, because he was catholic, and somehow ended up with a priest of indian origin(With an accent like Apu on the Simpsons.). While he was saying the liturgy, my Uncle Bob, drunk as a skunk, kept muttering things aloud like ‘Adios Amigo’, causing the entire family to titter and attempt to regain composure, while deciphering what the priest was saying. My brother Doug does a killer impression of the liturgy.

We once sent a man, by his request, to the crematory covered in barbecue sauce.

My own LFD says that when he goes he wants to be in the casket face down, with no pants on with a rose between his legs, so we can all “smell the roses and kiss his ass goodbye.”

I’m still waiting to see it . . .

22

Hmm.

Let’s say I’m the black sheep non-believer in my devout Catholic family. So, in your professional opinion, would it be too cruel to request my family to get up and dance (let’s make 'em play the air-guitar, too…why not, it’s my final request) their way out of the chapel to “Highway to Hell”? Heh heh hehhhh…

Seriously, have you ever had any requests that you turned down for whatever reason?

23

I have a friend who does hair on corpses. I think there’s some decent money in it. Do you happen to know how much a person would make in that line of work?

By the way, love this thread!

24

When the funeral home takes out the pacemakers, do they sell it to a medical place that allows it be used again?

(According the legal authority *Law and Order * this is done. :slight_smile: )
People with steel rods or metal parts in them, if they are cremated, what happens to these? Do they melt suffienctly down?

25

As you are in Florida and I would hazard a guess that many of your customers are not native Crackers which need to be sent home some way after they die.

  1. How much does it cost to ship a casket on an airplane?

  2. What kind of problems occur if the body has to be shipped back overseas? Is a passport needed? Or do the remains have to be inspected by some Department of Food/agriculture/whatever person before being shipped? Is the casket locked?

  3. has the Funeral Director been able to get frequent flyer rewards for shipping Grandma on a specific airline.? ( This use to be available for Florida undertakers, but I’ve been out of the loop for awhile.)
    This is a fascinating thread covering one of my favorite subjects.
    (dinner table talk at my house always leans towards such morbid things.)

26

Triss, Kalhoun & Shirley, glad you appreciate the thread!

I just wanted to stop by and let you know that you’re not being ignored. Copaesthetic doesn’t have internet access at work, but I told him he had more questions to answer when he gets home. Just wanted to let you know you weren’t forgotten.

Thanks for all the interesting questions. I’m enjoying this as much as you guys.

(He’s also got a lot of great “pickup” stories, if you’ve got a strong stomach. There was a funny one about the guy that was a marrow donor too, if I’m not mistaken.)

27

I was going to reply to this one this morning, but I wanted to think some more.

No, honestly I don’t ever remember us refusing anything. If we were going to the only reasons would be 1) The request is illegal in some way, or 2) It’s against company policy.

Things that fall under heading #1:
Sex with body, mutilating body. Almost everything else you can think of is legal(For regular people anyway. Most ‘dead body’ laws relate to what the funeral home can do.) Come to think of it, we have refused to omit the age from death certificates, as this would cause the certificate not to be certified by Vital Stats, but we omitted the date of birth and age from all funeral handouts, the obituary and the register book to prevent any public viewing of it.

Things that fall under heading #2:
We do not allow serving of food inside the funeral home. We provide cookies and coffee, and a coke machine, that’s it. Lots of people, don’t ask me why, think that a buffet would be a good idea at a viewing. We are not licensed for cosumption of alcohol on the premises.

A good example of requests/requirements is the Jewish funeral. Orthadox Jews cannot be embalmed according to their beliefs, so they aren’t(Law requires a body to be embalmed OR refrigerated within 24 hours of death occuring). Also, for pieces of pine lumber(i.e. two by fours)are laid across chairs or sawhorses and the body is placed naked on them, four elders come and ritually wash the body before rolling it in cloth, lighting candles and pinning little black ribbons to stuff. I’ve only seen this in person once, so my description is not what you’d be likely to get from a Rabbi, but it suffices for my point of what can be done with a body.

An interesting note about the dead, they make fewer requests than the living, so most of our ‘request time’ is spent with next of kin rather than fulfilling someone’s dying wish.

28

First things first, the naked bodies of orthodox jews are not laid out for the lumber, but on four pieces of lumber.

Pacemakers can be recycled for use on new patients if they have sufficient life left in them to continue regulating someone’s heart for a number of years to come, but I have never seen this in practice(i.e. hole where the pacemaker used to be.)

Only pacemakers with enough life left in them are used, reducing the number selected, and the permission of family is required for anyone besides the medical examiner to cut into someone, so they’d have to approve it. Also, the program that does this is still not widespread enough for it’s results to be seen all over, like the organ and tissue banks for example. I guess if you need an organ you’ll take what you can get, but if you need a pacemaker you’d be more likely to go for a new one. (Wouldn’t that make for a neat energizer commercial;)

Steel rods and metal parts are left over intact after the cremation and kept at the crematory as curiosities to show visiting funeral directors and/ or grandkids, or tossed. They are not considered a part of the body, and are certainly sterilized by the act of cremation so are not considered biohazards.

29

We ship out ten to fifteen bodies a year, mostly domestic.

1)Like living people, bodies cost different amounts to be flown to different places, but it’s cheaper than normal airfare. Usually $200-$300 domestic. Overseas? Only the airlines know for sure :slight_smile:

2)The body has to be embalmed exceptionally well anytime it’s going unrefrigerated for a long time, so the funeral director takes special care to ensure that all fluids are removed and the body has thoroughly taken the fluid(There aren’t any dead spots that the fluid didn’t circulate to.)
Passports are not required for the body, just state permits for transport. Often the homeland’s ID is faxed to the nearest consulate to verify identity before shipping is approved, and they usually have forms to fill out that must be sent along with the body for it to be accepted on the other end.
They probably are inspected by customs on the other end, but the U.S. gov doesn’t tend to worry too much about what goes out.
The casket is sealed but not locked. Technically there is no locking mechanism on a casket, so when someone uses the term ‘locked’ they mean sealed. A ‘casket key’ is used to seal the casket and it’s basically a giant hex wrench that fits into a special spot to tighten or loosen the sealing mechanism. As far as anyone without that tool is concerned the casket is locked, but if you knew what size you needed a trip to home depot for a large hex wrench would undo the sealing fine.
Aside from that the regs are set by the receiving country, and if you don’t meet their requirements, they will turn the box right back around and send it away. Or worse impound it.
The state department can provide you with a list of all the consulates and their locations/phone numbers by state, so you can call and find out what needs to be done. Sometimes it’s easy, and sometimes it’s Italy. (See my post above about the Zeigler case/pine box we put that guy in. Like one of those Russian dolls :))

3)Programs like that will come and go depending on the income of the airline industry, so we don’t tend to look for them. For ten or fifteen a year it just isn’t worth the hassle. But then again, making those calls is my job, so maybe if I got the miles:)

30

Essentially as much as they can. There are two ways to do this, one is to know a funeral director(Or better yet do one’s hair), and ask about it. Maybe yes, maybe no.

The other is to go to funeral homes and give them a price per body that you’d charge and hand them your card. There’s a guy in town who plays the bagpipes that we use because he did this.

Now, on a per body basis you’d probably be looking at $50-100, depending on the competition. Of course as soon as someone walks in with a business card and a lower rate it’d probably be over for you.

As an hourly rate for a large funeral home in, say, Miami, you’d be looking at $8-15. It’s probably not good enough money to change careers:) Keep in mind that most males will not require a hairdresser(LFD’s can handle the tough ‘part on right/left/middle’ style that’s so popular with men these days) and most older women use a ‘curl and fluff’ style, so being a beautician isn’t really necessary. I’ve cosmetized(Put makeup on) several women and if you’ve ever seen a woman wear makeup you can do it.

Remember in acting they say that the white lights take away color? Well, in our industry the colored lights add more, so a normal amount of makeup can turn grandma into a hooker. Lipstick, nail polish, very light blush, and maybe eyeliner are all you need.

31

GIVE THEM WHAT THEY WANT!

Ok, my wife keeps bugging me to tell a humorous/gross dead body story:

I come home from work at 5 to a message on the answering machine, telling me to turn around and come right back for a removal.

Once back at the funeral home, my boss informs me that there’s a sheriff’s office call from out of town(Hour drive), and gives me the details.

I go to a farm house in the backwoods, and it’s now dark. I go from calm and collected to mild panic as the Deputy shines his light in the window at me, then at the vacant passenger seat and says “They only sent one of you?”

He directs me to drive around the house to the shed in the back, where a guy died who lived essentially on the floor back there, and informs me he’s(The dead guy) got Hepititus C. I look in through the doors, and the guy’s huge(400+lbs), and I lie to the Deputy, “I’ve gotten 'em this big before.”

I back the van up to the door, so I can slide the cot in right from the room, and unload the cot, lower it to the floor, and procede to strain myself ridiculous trying to lift this guy. Deputy Beefneck comes over and gives me a hand on the foot end, and we manage to get him halfway rolled onto the cot. In order to get his middle up onto it, I have to slide down and reach under his tummy, and heft with all my will. At this point the (hep C remember?) guy decides to relieve himself all over me, but I got him up there.

Another interesting fact brought to my attention at this moment is that the entire family has gathered at the door to watch. This is announced by a young boy shouting “Hey, there’s blood coming out of his mouth!”. He’s so wide the top belt will only go around his chest, not his arms. He is frozen with rigor mortis, one hand out and up with a single(index) finger extended, as if to say ‘We’re Number 1!’.

As the Deputy and I strain ourselves purple trying to get the cot raised back up, one of the other family members says, “Can’t you get his hand down?” ( It’s sticking out from under the throw I’ve placed over him, still #1.

“No”, I grunted curtly. The cot only gets up halfway and locks, so we roll him into the van that way, and I drop the cot back down so it’s laying flat.

As I drive out of the cornfield, following the Deputy back to the SO headquarters, I hit a slight bumb, causing the body to fall over on it’s side, pulling the cot that it’s belted to over with it. This has never happened before or since. His stomach is out so far it made the cot top heavy.

Arriving at the SO, I’m told he has to be taken to the medical examiner’s office. No problem, it’s on the way back right? Nope. This town is in a different county, and, I’m informed for the first time, is serviced by the ME in Panama City(Two hours from there, three from Tallahassee). “There’ll be people there to help you get him out.”

You mean you’re not coming with? Of course not. I got back in the van and tried to pull the guy upright again, at one point even grabbing the upper bar, and placing my feet against the cot(Essentially hanging off of one side with all my weight) and jerk backwards. He doesn’t budge even when I completely support my weight on the top of the cot, and try pressing with my legs while my back is against the wall of the van.

Fast forward to Panama City:

No one’s at the ME’s office when I get there but the ME himself. This guy looks just like Ross Perot. I open the back doors of the van with no explanation allowing him to figure on his own. We unstrap the cot, set it down flat again, and lift the guy onto it a second time. Ross manages better than Dept. Beefy, which proves you can’t judge a book by it’s cover.

“Getting him onto the table won’t be a problem”, Ross tells me. Apparently this office has tables missing the lower lip(Most have four tall edges to keep stuff from flowing onto the floor) so bodies can be slid on directly from the cot instead of being lifted

Upon rolling him into the office, however, Ross remarks that sliding him onto the table won’t work right because the head is at the wrong end. It wasn’t like anyone knew which end it had to be on when we put him on the cot again right Ross? Anyhow, the handle at that end makes it impossible to slid the body over it, so he’ll have to be lifted onto the table.

Luckily, the ME’s office is equipped with a transmission lift that you might have seen at your local mechanic’s place. We slide plastic rails the size of ski’s under the body and hook them to the chain. The rest was easy.

When I got back to town it was 12:30 AM, and I limped to the car and drove home.

Remember, at this point I still haven’t showered, so I’ve been soaked with urine for five hours.

I earn a flat $50 per body after hours. Being the Funeral Director’s Assistant has it’s downsides :wink:

32

What did this guy die of? Heart attack?

33

Liver failure. Hepititus C and alcoholism contributed to it.

34

Suppose someone who has requested not to be embalmed needs to be shipped elsewhere, though? What then? Is it possible to have them packed in dry ice or something instead?

Are there any major pitfalls (legal or otherwise) to be aware of if you want a natural burial?

Fankoo…