I Pit Thee, Funeral Industry!

The BBQ Pit
1

What the everloving fuck?! I have here an itemized list of how much various parts of the funeral will cost. How DARE these people charge these kinds of prices? They want 50% down by the date of the funeral and offer no payment plan. You thought gasoline prices were bad? Check this out:

Hairdressing $50…I’m alive and my haircut doesn’t cost me $50. And my hair is going to grow again!
Transportation (under 30 mi radius)$310…That’s just to pick up the body from the hospital! What the fuck are they driving? The Dennis Leary baby-seal-eye-headlights car?
Hearse & Driver(under 30 mi) $350
Flower vehicle & driver (under 30 mi) $200 The hearse only carries the casket. All the people go in the flower vehicle.
Additional mileage$2.50/mi

Think you’ll cheat the undertaker by cremating the remains? Au contraire!

Direct cremation $1265 Want an urn with that? Plunk down an additional $325
Caskets range from $575 to $14,180. And you* bury** them!*

But hey, I can get you a bagpiper for $175. Plus travel expenses.

How do these people get away with this? How? And what do they do if you don’t pay them? :eek:

2

Not all of those items are required by law - though some are a hell of a lot more convenient for them to provide, like transportation of the body. When I helped with planning out my father’s funeral, I asked about which items were required and which were optional. You ought to be able to at least pare down some of those costs in the process.

(I hope the funeral home didn’t charge us for the hair, come to think of it. We gave them a picture of him, and they ended up doing the totally wrong hairstyle on him. My mother managed to chuckle that he’d haunt us if he were buried looking like that, and we got out a comb and fixed it.)

3

Heh, it’s easy to get your departed cremated for free. Just tell an incompetent paper-pusher at your local hospital that you want his/her body donated to science.

My grandfather died in 2003. He died in the hospital, in his sleep, painless. His last request was that his body be donated to science, which we were all cool with because it would help further study of his conditions (type II diabetes, for one) and would avoid family drama.

About a month after his death, my Aunt S. gets a phone call, asking what we wanted to do with Grandad’s body. After she explained my grandfather’s last wish, she was told that the body had been in the morgue too long and was too rotted to use. :frowning:

Then, WITHOUT our permission, they cremated his body and sent the ashes to my grandmother ON HER FUCKING BIRTHDAY. :eek:

So yeah, just tell 'em to donate the body to science and you’ll get free ashes!

Am I still bitter about this? Of course not! How could you say such a thing! :mad:

4

I suggest you read “The American Way of Death” (or "The American Way of Death Revisited) by Jessica Mitford. This stuff has been going on for decades.

5

And in the meantime, check out the Funeral Consumers Alliance for some practical help on avoiding unnecessary costs.

6

The OP lists many of the reasons I have chosen to be cremated. I can’t see shelling out thousands of dollars for something to put in the ground. And since I am a total body donor, hubby won’t even have to pay for cremation!!

7

first, i’m sorry for your loss.

second, many members of my family were in the funeral business for generations.

what do you mean by “get away with this”? how “dare” they? they are providing goods and services that you are requesting. no one is forcing you to buy top of the line anything.

donate the body. it won’t cost you a penny.

exactly how much comparison shopping did you do?

you can buy a casket wholesale and have it shipped to the funeral home.

you can cremate with a $25 cardboard cremation box and nominal cremation fees.

or take the direct burial with no services option. it’s the cheapest option.

you can take all your own cars to the funeral and just pay for the hearse. or you can go rent your own damn hearse. what? avis and hertz are all out?

pay your own hairdresser to do the hair of the deceased since they are so low priced. or do they not want to leave their comfy salon and travel across town to work on someone who is no longer breathing? or are they planning on charging more than $50 for the pleasure of providing that service to you?

play the bagpipes yourself.

if the law requires an item, it will say so on the price list. if it’s not required by law, you don’t have to buy it.

8

I just went through this crap last week. Mother asked for a particular company, so I was stuck with them. The first thing they asked was permission to embalm. They didn’t offer refrigeration. They didn’t tell me it cost to take the body from the hospital.
It cost three grand to walk in the door. Not top of the line, pal, the bottom line. Fortunately I had a credit card. They wouldn’t take her insurance unless they could attach the whole thing. At that point I quietly said “shit” and walked out the door. The executor continued the discusion.
We almost had to bury her in a fucking blandex box made of wood chips. That cost $400.00. It is usually used for cremations. The excecutor came through with another $700 for a real casket. I’ll pay her back out of the insurance.

Not in my state.

The guy who talked to us joked like a used car salesman.
Out of politeness to a fellow Doper, I cannot but imagine that your family is much more ethical.

I’ll bet these guys don’t get much repeat business.

9

Caring for your Dead by Nancy Carlson is a super interesting book to read about the funeral industry and the (heh) deadlock they use to have over those who have recently lost a loved one.

The funeral home industry has changed dramatically over the years. First off, you can get a GPS (General Pricing Sheet) ahead of time from any funeral home. They are required by law to have them available. (Usually tucked away in the quiet room done in understated Ethan Allen furniture and dull wall paper.)

You can pull a permit to haul the deceased in your own vehicle ( probably costs under $100 to do so.) and you can provide your own casket. ( Costco is now offering a line of caskets. I’m thinkin’ of getting mom one for Xmas. “Try to re-gift that!”

Also, it is tradition to do the funeral 3 days after death. I think this is based on how long a nonembalmed body held out in the front parlor before it got stinky. Once embalming became routine and funeral parlors were everywhere, you just didn’t host granny’s wake in your own house any more.

We have truly lost touch with death in this country.

We have never had a war directly on our lands in our life time. ( 9/11 was an attack.) and we see so much of fake death on TV that we are immune to it until it hits us right in the stomach and we get bent over a barrel to bury a family member or loved one ( hell, even a dog.)
I would love to start my own funeral home. I’d make it fun. Themed rooms. Pre-pay your Big Departure with no hidden costs. Bubbles floating in the air. Fun music.I’d get a liquor liscense.
It would be great.

Except for dealing with dead people.

And their fucked up relations.

10

things tend to go better if next of kin or executor calls the exact donor program that the deceased was pre-registered with.

or if the next of kin or executor calls an anatomical gift program of their own choosing.

and all donor programs have the right to refuse a body, so it’s not guaranteed that the body will be accepted.

if hospitals have suddenly taken over the task of making arrangements, thats news to me.

many programs send the ashes upon request, at no charge, and i know of no program that requests the dob of the next of kin so that they may avoid delivery of the ashes on or around that date.

i don’t see why you are bitter towards the hospital over what appears to be inaction or inappropriate action on the part of your grandfather and family.

11

Comparison shop? When did I have time? Texas burials have to be within 3 days. He died Sunday at 9:30 pm. At 1 am the home called to tell me they had picked up the body. Oh, you were sleeping for the first time in 41 hours? Oops. Well can you come in at 10 for a consult?

Texas doesn’t allow you to transport the body yourself, hence the $310. The hospital is only 12 miles from the home. 310/12= $25.83 per mile. Even at the maximum 30 miles it works out to over $10/mile.

I’ll be hit with another $310 when they transport the cremains to the Military Cemetery. Tradition is that I tip the Honor Guard $100. I don’t begrudge the men the work but I only have $40 in the bank and I’m already being charged $4800 for the funeral.

Since I’m having him cremated I don’t have to buy a casket. But I do have to rent one. For $975. My monthly rent is $375. I’ll be using their casket for 4 hours. $243.75 an hour. My place has 2 bedrooms. A casket is 81.75" x 26.25"

As for the hair, for chrissakes, why does it cost $50 to shampoo and set somebody who won’t either move or bore you with inane chatter?

And FWIW, I play F horn.

12

I resemble that remark.

And next time MOter dies, I’ll buy a casket wholesale. :slight_smile:

13

Might I suggest Penn and Teller’s Death, Inc.? (Season 2 of Penn & Teller: Bullshit!.) Not that It’ll fix your problems, but it should allow you a few sympathetic laughs.

Stranger

14

i’m sorry for your loss, but if it is not required by law, you don’t have to buy it.

and you should report this funeral home if they told you that you had to purchase anything that was not required by law.

it sounds as if your desire to honor your mother’s selection of a funeral home locked you into this financially.

not honoring her wishes may have been cheaper, but many people are unable to bring themselves to do that.

15

Oh, and the hair styling fee.
When my brother Tom died, he had suffered from a host of problems, one of which was a dark miserable depression. His bathing habits were not sterling and he hadn’t had a haircut (bald on top, hair on the sides) in years. His beard was a rats nest. To say it was vile, would be putting it mildly. ( I also blame the group home he was in for being incompetant bastards, but that is a rant for another day.)

Before his illness took over his body, he was always clean cut. Always. Probably the handsomest of my four brothers. It was the dimples.

I really dreaded going to the funeral home to see him in the casket for the private family viewing. It just sucks.

I had done this before with my brother Mark just two years earlier and even though he was a pain in the ass, he was fun and good hearted. Seeing him lifeless dressed nicely in the casket was really hard. And I held his had as he died. ( I expected him to pop up and say, " Gotcha sweetie pie.")

Anywhoooo, I get there and walk into the room very cautiously, like I am expecting a zombie attack and need to flee in a moments notice. What I saw was not the long haired rats nest.
He.Looked. Wonderful.

His hair was neatly trimmed. The beard completely gone and he was closely shaved. He was wearing his volunteer’s jacket from the hospital that he volunteered at that he was so proud of and it looked fantastic on him.

It is how I want to remember him, not the guy trapped in his head and body.
My mom and I were so freakin’ pleased. Whatever they charged, they deserved triple.
The Funeral Home Lady (who is very well aquainted with our family, if you can imagine that.) received mucho compliments from us and I quipped, " Hey, you guys should consider opening a day spa here to earn extra cash!"

“Well, " She cracked, " Only the front of their hair would look good.”

“Hell, who cares what I look like walking out of the room.It’s walking in that matters!” I retorted.

All in front of the coffin. I love me. I love me so much, I want to deliver my own eulogy. complete with Tim Horton’s donuts and coffee.

I am very sorry about your loss and the hurt that the funeral industry has on you.

16

I’ve heard that a lot tis week, and still don’t believe it.

Gosh, thanks for explaining that!

17

honestly, it’s not the funeral homes fault that you didn’t have time to comparison shop. it’s a business like any other. prices vary greatly.

what are you renting a casket for? a viewing? you don’t have to have a viewing unless you want one. it’s not required.

doesn’t the military provide some sort of veterans benefit to help with burial costs? it may not be a lot, but it should help.

my monthly rent is $1,450.00 plus utilities. i have two bedrooms also.

we have about the same in the bank, lol

my hairdresser charges $90 for a shampoo, cut and blow dry.

i don’t play the horn, the bagpipes or anything else. but i wish i did.

18

i’m sorry that you don’t believe it. i meant it, as i am sure 99.9% of the people who also said it to you did.

and you’re welcome.

19

On top of all that stuff, I recall them asking for $250.00 to wash and dress my dad. I told them I had already done it (and I had).

Oh, and they wanted to charge us to rent chairs for folks to sit upon.

I made the poor ‘salesman’ so mad, he offered to refer me to another comapny.

20

Christ on a crutch, you dummy, I was being sarcastic.
I’m not cut out for the pit.

Should you ever work for the family business, please explain these things to your customers right off the bat. You’ll improve your karma immensely.

My religion insists that I attempt to make the world a better place. I offer the above advice rather than ranting about the industry (in my case and davmilasav, anyway) preying on survivors.