My best friend was crazy about him in the 70s.
Had the poster of him smiling away with his 7 gold medals adorning his hairy chest in her bedroom. : )
If that was really Andrew Dice Clay, it’s the tamest one he ever did.
At about 1:25 and NSFW as you might guess.
That same special…RIP, Bill.
Of course, he may have told it more than one way.
My dad said people shouldn’t get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.
So I took down his Confederate flag.
How many antivaxxers does it take to change a lightbulb?
It’s not my job to give you the answer. Do your own research.
Three nuns were sitting on a park bench when a guy in a trenchcoat comes by and flashes them. The first nun had a stroke. And then the second nun had a stroke. But the third nun’s arms were too short.
My (older) friend was (when I knew her) a senior nurse. One of her nurse friends was in a park when flashed by a guy in a trenchcoat. Nurses unrehearsed reply was
“Put it away. I’ve seen much bigger ones than that.”
One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: “What it means to be British?”.
Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
American shows on a Japanese TV. He buys a holiday home in Spain, Skis in France, fancies Swedish birds and has a Romanian au-pair.
And the most British thing of all?
"Suspicion of anything Foreign "
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then…
… you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
What’s the difference between my daily life and a funeral?
In the morning I’m awake, but in a wake I’m mourning.
I’ve got a similar one, that my family remembers around Thanksgiving:
It’s very bad if you drop the platter holding the roast turkey, as it leads to the ruin of many nations. You’ll have
- the downfall of Turkey
- the destruction of China
- the overthrow of Greece
Highway Patrolman to woman driving on the freeway while knitting : “Hey You ! Pull Over.”
Women : “What ? Can’t hear you.”
Patrolman : “Pull Over ! Pull Over.”
Woman : “No officer. It is a cardigan.”
And in the bedroom, you’re Himalayan.
Whorehouse on a one-way street. Russian, Himalayan, Finnish.
I like to eat at this German-Chinese restaurant. The food is delicious. Only problem is an hour later you are hungry for power. (Dick Cavett).
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”
“Of course child. What may I do for you?”
“Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?”
“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.”
“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you,” she replied.
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”
“From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.”
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”
Father replied, “I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused.”
Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next please!”
A man walks into a library and orders a hamburger
The librarian says, “This is a library.”
The man apologizes and whispers, “I’d like a hamburger, please.”
Milk is good
But it could be butter
Glass Half-Full Man Says:
I don’t sweat it when people say that this year is the hottest it has been in 125 years. No, I think, hooray, this year is the coolest it will be for the next 125 years!
How does a non-binary person kill people?
They slash them
God is talking to one of his angels
and says, “Do you know what I have just done? I have just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth. Isn’t that good?” The angel says, “Yes, but what will you do now?”
God says, “I think I’ll call it a day.”
I can’t see the end, I’ve lost control, I’ve no home, and I don’t think there’s an escape.
It’s probably about time I bought a new keyboard.
eBay is useless.
I tried to look up lighters and all they had were 13,749 matches.
When you die, the last part of your body to stop working are your pupils because…
…they dilate!
Want to hear my latest joke about the Fibonacci sequence?
It’s as good as my previous two Fibonacci sequence jokes put together!
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age…
The school called a woman and told her: “Your son has been telling lies”
“You’re right”, she replied, “I don’t have any kids.”
Why isn’t Holy Water used in vaccines ?
Because, you can’t take the Lord’s name in vein.
How did the hacker escape the police?
He just ransomware!
A hearse is the vehicular equivalent of a mullet
Business in the front; party in the back.
Sells groceries to teens in their sleep:
Freddy Kroger