An elderly couple were watching the tv and the husband had the remote.
He kept changing back and forth between a porn channel and a fishing programme.
“For heaven’s sake” said his wife “leave it on the porn channel, you know how to fish”.
An infinite number of mathematicians walks into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders a half a beer. The third one orders a quarter of a beer. The fourth one orders an eight of a beer…
The bartender pours two beers, and says, “You figure it out!”
Two Lions escape from Belle Vue Zoo in Manchester, they amble up to Piccadilly, down Market Street and along Deansgate.
One Lion turns to t’other and sez “eh it’s quiet for a Saturday”
A pistol shot goes ‘bang,’ a lupara goes ‘boom,’ a machine gun goes ‘ratatatatat,’ and a knife goes ‘swiss.’
An Essex girl was involved in a car crash and was trapped. Paramedics turned up and one of them said to her, “You’ll be all right now, love. We’ll soon have you out. Where are you bleeding from?”
“I’m from bleedin’ Chingford, mate. What about you?”
I bought a new gadget: you put venison in the top, turn the handle, and it comes out as pheasant.
It’s a real game changer…
“Mummy, mummy, when I grow up I want to be a politician!”
“Now don’t be silly, dear, you can’t do both…”
