More Jokes

Well, quite; Belle Vue zoo’s been closed for over 40 years.

Katharine Johnson was such a hardcore mathematician that she waited until the age of 101 to die so that she could die in the prime of her life.

How many copy editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Is this correct? The last time this was asked, it was about Vietnam vets.

Best joke so far!

Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks the first if they want three beers. He answers “I don’t know”. Then he asks the second who replies “I don’t know”. Finally he asks the third who says “yes”.

Two guys in a balloon have been blown off course and are lost. They spot a few people having a picnic below and dip low enough to ask, “Where are we?” “In a balloon” is the answer. The balloonist says “You must be mathematicians.” “Why yes, how did you know?” “Because your answer is completely correct and utterly useless.”

A mathematician, a physicist, and a logician are in a train in Scotland and see a black sheep out the window. “Ah” says the physicist, “The sheep in Scotland are black.” The mathematician says, “No, all you can say is that there is at least one black sheep in Scotland.” The logician chimes in “No, all you can infer is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, at least one side of which is black.”

A man goes to see his doctor. He says, “Doctor, I think something’s wrong with my ears. I’m losing my hearing.” The doctor asks, “What are the symptoms?” “They’re a yellow cartoon family that lives in Springfield. What does that have to do with my hearing?”

Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day, when they pass by a bar. The first guy says, “Let’s go in there for a drink.” Second guy, says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.” First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.”

He goes up to the bar, and sure enough the doorman says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.” He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman says, “Ok then, come on in.”

The second guy sees this and does the same thing. He goes up to the bar, and the doorman says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.” He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman responds, “You have a chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?” The second guy stops for a second, and exclaims, “What??? They gave me a chihuahua?”

I think the joke is better if “16 sodium atoms and Adam West walk into a bar”
My local smoke shop closed and has been replaced by a boutique. Clothes, but no cigar.

Abdul and Maria have have twin boys that they name Amal and Juan. They are forced to give them up for adoption. Thirty years later, Juan hires a detective to locate his birth parents. Juan send Abdul & Maria a letter along with a photograph of himself, his wife, and their children. Maria is sad that she only has a photo of Juan. Abdul consoles her, “C’mon, Maria, they’re twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

Dwarfs have a high suicide rate. After all, six out of seven are not Happy.

Why aren’t dogs good dancers?

Because they have two left feet!

My wife gave me a DVD titled ‘How to increse your sexual pleasure using Foreplay’. Pretty good, once I’d forwarded through the boring bit at the start.

My Grandfather died because we didn’t know his blood type to arrange a transfusion. His last words were ‘Be positive’ - gee, he was an inspiration.

They have just discovered the cure for anorexia, and it’s surprisingly simple. A piece of cake, in fact.

I told the doctor the new Anal Rash cream he prescribed was causing some uncomfortable reactions. He asked ‘Where are you applying it?’. I said ‘On the bus’.

Sorry - have to rush off now - The main speaker at the Innuendo conference had to cancel, and they’ve asked me to fill her slot.

Helium goes into a bar and asks for a beer. Bartender says “we don’t serve your type.” Helium doesn’t react.

If you are a collector of old vinyl records, you may find that they get scratchy as they get old and played a lot.

Some records, it turns out, can be renovated and rejuvenated by rubbing them with Vicks Vapo-Rub.

But, it further turns out, this only works for Baroque classical music, like the music of Vivaldi and others of that era. If you try Vicks Vapo-Rub on other classical recordings, it just ruins them.

So if it ain’t Baroque, don’t Vicks it.

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand hexadecimal notation, and F the rest.

What is the difference between a violinist and God? God doesn’t think that he is a violinist.

What is the difference between a soprano and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

How do you know if a Viola player is playing out of tune? The bow is moving.

What do you call a beautiful woman on the arms of a tuba player? A tattoo.

A guy dies and is welcomed in Heaven. Strolling around, he hears really good slide guitar being played in the distance. It doesn’t take him long to realize it has to be Duane Allman. After walking around looking for the source without success, he approaches a nearby angel and says “That guitar must be Duane Allman? Where is he?” And the angel replies “No, that’s God practicing. He only thinks he’s Duane Allman.”


What do you call a bagpiper with voicemail?

An optimist.

Police are searching for a man terrorising a nudist colony with a bacon slicer. The local police chief announced he’s had a tip-off, but is expected to be back at work next week.

A zombie is trying to get his kid to eat their dinner

“Eat your food, there’s people in America with no brains at all”

How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. The light bulb, with the rest of the world, is already screwed.

Q. What’s the difference between an optimist and a pessimist?

A. The optimist wakes up, looks out the window, and says, “Good morning, Lord.” The pessimist wakes up, looks out the window, and says, “Good Lord! Morning.”

I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth today

Now when I talk I have this weird Axe scent.

A big muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store…

…and asks, “W-w-w-what’s y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: “W-w-w whats y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” Again, the clerk doesnt answer him. The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-whats y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off. The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, “why wouldnt you answer that guy’s question?” The clerk answers, “D-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get m-m-m-m-m-y ass k-k-k-icked?!!”

The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist is afraid the optimist is right.