I really enjoyed the joke thread that was up a while ago. Anybody heard any new ones?
A wealthy man and his wife are in a restaurant having dinner. Suddenly, a young, beautiful woman walks up to the man and kisses him passionately. The wife is shocked, and says “Who was that!?!”
“That was my mistress.” replies her husband.
The wife is incredibly angry, and starts to sputter and swear. “Now wait a minute, dear.” he says. “I love you, but I’m not going to give up my mistress. Think about our children, our beautiful home, and the Jaguar you drive. Do you really want to give all that up?”
At that instant, another friend of theirs walks in with a different young, beautiful woman and sits down across the restaurant. The wife looks at him, and asks her husband “Who is that with Joe?”
“That’s his mistress.” he replies.
The wife pauses for a minute, then says “Humph. Ours is prettier.”
There was some elderly woman on NPR this morning telling jokes and this was the best one…
An old guy is talking to his friend telling him about this great restaurant where he had eaten the night before. He says, “You’d really like it, you should go sometime. It’s called…what’s that flower that’s red and has a thorny stem?”
“A rose?”
“Yeah that’s it” then turns to his wife, “Hey Rose, what was the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”
I have a real sickie!!!
A woman lived alone and ate mayonnaise straight out of the jar. She would set empty jars out on the back porch.
Then, for fourteen consecutive mornings, she would go out to the porch and find the jars filled again. She shrugged at this, but consumed the contents.
On the fifteenth night she stayed up late to find out how the jars were being refilled. After midnight, she saw a man with sores all over his body come into the yard. He went over to the empty jars and squeezed pus into them.
THINGS YOU WON’T HEAR A SOUTHERNER SAY:
We don’t keep firearms in this house.
Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
You can’t feed that to the dog.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pick-up, it’s not safe.
Wrasslin’s fake.
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
We’re vegetarians.
Do you think my hair is too big?
I’ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
Honey, these bonsai trees need watering?
Who’s Richard Petty?
Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
Deer heads detract from the decor.
Spitting is such a nasty habit.
I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
Trim the fat off that steak.
Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
The tires on that truck are too big.
I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
I’ve got it all on a floppy disk.
Unsweetened tea tastes better.
Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.
I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
Checkmate.
DIARY OF A CAT:
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan......
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.
“I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it,” Jack Handy
That was delightful! here are some more entries, from OUR cat’s diary:
Day 31–This is getting annoying. The humans took me somewhere and put me in another house!! They’re trying to get rid of me!! About a mile away and on the other side of a big street! I showed them. I went back home. Now where are they? The dumb humans are gone and so is the furniture!! Then the man and woman came back in the car, saw me, and said, “Archie–how did you get back here?” Now I suppose they’ll expect me to answer that ridiculous question…
Day 48–These silly human brought a tree into the house! Hung ridiculous glittery balls on it! They even put electric lights on it! And if I check these things out they say, “Archie!” like I don’t know my name, Duuuuh…
Day 366–I got sick. The humans took me to some strange man who put me in a metal cage! Said he was a “veterinarian” or something. Then they took another cat home! Then they came back and traded another cat for me. Well, it took them long enough to realize I am their cat…
Day 770–Horrors! These dumb humans brought a dog into the house! Well, I’ll keep her in line; she gets too close I’ll swat her.
Day 1378–Can’t a guy have freedom anywhere? The humans brought a box of kittens in to show me. MY kittens, perhaps? So what? You wanna MAKE something of it? These dumb humans…
A preacher is looking for a new way to make money for his church and he hears there’s money to be made in horse racing. He goes to an auction to buy a horse but finds the bidding is out of his range so he settles for a donkey. He decides then that since the money is already spent he might as well race it. To everyone’s amazement, the donkey places third. The next morning the headlines read:
PREACHER’S ASS SHOWS
The preacher enters the donkey in another race and this time it wins. The headlines then read:
PREACHER’S ASS OUT IN FRONT
The bishop decides this is too much and tells the preacher he must get rid of the donkey. So the preacher gives the donkey to a nun. The next morning the headlines say:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The bishop is outraged and informs the nun she must sell the donkey. She sells it to a farmer for $10 and the headlines read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
The bishop is aghast and tells the nun she must buy the donkey back and just let it go wild and free. The headlines annouce:
NUN SAYS HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The bishop was buried the next day.
“I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it,” Jack Handy
Two men sit drinking in the bar at the top of the Empire State Building.
One turns to the other and says: “You know, last week I discovered that if
you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the10th
floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you
around the building and back into the window.”
The bartender overhears this, and just shakes his head in disapproval while
wiping down the bar.
The 2nd Man says: “What? Are you nuts? There is no way in hell that could
happen!”
The 1st Man says: “No, it’s true, let me prove it to you.” He gets up from
the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he
passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back
into
the 10th floor window, where he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The 2nd Man tells him: “You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that
must have been a one-time fluke.” The 1st Man says: “No, it isn’t. I’ll
prove
it again!”
Again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind
gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs
he
urges his fellow drinker to try it.
The 2nd Man says: “Well what the hell, it works, I’ll try it.”
He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, and passes the 11th…
10th… 9th… and hits the sidewalk with a ‘splat’.
Back upstairs, the Bartender turns to the other drinker and says:
"You know, Superman, you’re a real asshole when you’re drunk.
“I’m not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.”
– Calvin and Hobbes
BTW, the old lame joke thread collapsed under the weight of all those elephant jokes…
A preist, a rabbi and a Baptist preacher walk into a bar. The bartender says “Is this some kind of joke?”
A recently divorced guy is sitting at the bar being depressed when he notices a lone woman at the end of the bar who also seems to be depressed. He scoots down and starts chatting with her telling her of his recent divorce and she reveals that she too is recently divorced. He asks why she and her husband broke up and she replies, “He said I was too kinky for him.” And the guy gets very excited, “Really? My wife said I was too kinky!!”
So a couple of drinks later they decide to leave and go back to her place. She excuses herself to “change into something more comfortable” and puts on her stiletto black shiny leather boots, gets her whip, puts on her leather bustier with the nipples cut out and her crotchless panties and goes out into the living room only to find the man putting on his coat and preparing to leave. “Where are you going?” she asks very disappointedly. To which the man replies, “I fucked your dog, I shit in your purse, I’m outta here.”
A man walks into a pub in Scotland, orders a drink from the sad-looking bartender and proceeds to have a great conversation with him. After a few more drinks he asks the bartender his name. The bartender sighs and points out the fine quality bar in front of him and says
“F’r over a year I built this bar with me bare han’s from a single mighty oak tree. I worked me bleedin’ han’s with simple tools until you see this fine piece o’ work standin’ before ye. But do they call me Angus the Bar-Maker?? Noooo”
He then motioned the man over to the front door of the pub and opened it.
“D’ye see yonder stone fence around me pub? F’r over two years I worked pullin’ stone after heavy stone with me bleedin’ han’s, pilin’ and pilin’ stones until you see before you this fine stone fence. But do they call me Angus the Fence Builder?? Nooooo”
He then pointed to a large dock next to the pub where several boats were tied up.
“D’ye see that bonnie dock? F’r five years I worked me bleedin’ han’s slaving in the wet cold, sinkin’ heavy timbers until you see before you this fine dock. But do they call me Angus the Dock Maker?? Noooo.”
The bartender sighs and takes a heavy drink of his ale.
“Aye, but ye fuck one goat…”
“…send lawyers, guns, and money…”
Warren ZevonTwo crude jokes…
A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, “Look, you’ve got a lot to live for. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day.” Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy. The girl nodded, “yes”. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. “What are you doing here?” the Captain asked. “I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she explained. “I get food and a trip to Europe, and he’s screwing me.” “He sure is, lady,” the captain said. “This is the Staten Island Ferry.”
A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a Grape Nehi. Surprised, the bartender looks around and says “You ain’t from around here… where you from boy?” The guy says “I’m from Pennsylvania.” The bartender asks “What do you do up there in Pennsylvania?” The guy responds “I’m a taxidermist.” The bartender asks “A taxidermist… what the hell is a taxidermist?” The guy says “I mount dead animals.” The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, “It’s OK boys, he’s one of us!”
A businessman finds that his neighbor in the first class cabin of his flight is a parrot. They take off and the stewardess asks what they would like to drink. “Glenlivet on the rocks with a twist,” says the parrot.The businessman orders a coke.
After waiting two or three minutes, the bird starts yelling, "Where's my drink?! Stop fooling around and give me my drink!"
The stewardess runs to him with his glass, leaving the businessman still thirsty.
Half an hour later the stewardess makes a second round. The bird orders another Glenlivet and a Wall Street Journal. The businessman again asks for a coke.
Again, after a couple of minutes, the bird screams, squawking, “You lazy b***! Where is my drink!” The poor woman nearly trips over herself getting the parrot his drink and the newspaper.
The businessman still has nothing, and after ten more minutes decides to take his cue from the bird. “Hey, b***! Will you bring me my damn coke?”
Out of nowhere the stewardess, the captain, and two passengers grab the businessman and the bird, open the hatch and throw them out of the plane. At 30,000 feet in the air the two fall side by side and the parrot says to the terrified man, “Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings.”
Mama told me when I was young,“Baby, be a simple kind of man.”
This girl irritated a fountainman by coming in every day after school and ordering a “coke-oke-okity-ok-coke-coke.” After she had done this for a coouple of weeks, the fountainman gave her her comeuppance: He slipped two tablespoons of Epsom salt into the drink! She didn’t show up again for three weeks, and when she came in again she was ashen, and fifteen pounds lighter, and she staggered to a stool.
The fountainman asked, "Do you want another coke-oke-okity-oke-coke-coke?
“She said, yes–but this time leave out the poop-oop-oopitty-oop-poop-poop!”
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
Tim
“My hovercraft is full of eels.”
Two jokes for you:
An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman are all sitting at a bar, drinking identical pints of beer. Simoultaneously, a fly lands in each gentleman’s beer.
The Englishman, with an expression of disgust, carefully dips the fly out with a spoon, deposits it in a napkin, folds the napkin up, sets it aside, and resumes drinking his beer.
The Irishman, contemplates his fly-laden beer, chugs it down and says “Well, now, that’s protein, isn’t it?”
The Scotsman, pulls the fly out, squeezes it between his thumb and finger and screams “Spit it oot! Spit it oot!”.
A man walks into a bar with a cat and an ostrich. He takes a seat, so does the ostrich, and the cat jumps up onto the bar beside him. The bartender comes over and asks him what he’ll have to drink.
“I’ll have a gin and tonic,” the man answered.
“That sounds good,” the ostrich added. “I’ll have one too.”
“I guess I’ll have one, too,” the cat said, “but I’m not paying for it.”
The bartender, having seen a lot of jokes like this, brings the three drinks and says only “that’ll be $9.78.”
The man reaches into his pocket, pulls out a wad of bills and change and hands it to the bartender without counting it. It’s nine dollars and seventy-eight cents exactly.
This goes on for a couple of weeks. The man comes in with the ostrich and cat, sits down, orders a drink, the ostrich agrees that it sounds good and asks for one too, and the cat says “Okay, I’ll have one, but I’m not paying for it.”
Some days it’s a gin and tonic, some days it’s a beer, some days, it’s a shot of tequila. But the man always hauls the exact price of the three drinks out of his pocket without looking.
Finally, the bartender can’t stand it anymore.
“Look, buddy,” he says. “I’ve seen a lot of weird things at this bar. Twelve inch pianists, rabbis, priests and Baptist preachers drinking together, and all that, but I’ve got to say that this one is driving me nuts. How is it that you always have the exact right change for whatever drink you get?”
“Oh, that,” the man answered, sipping his martini. “Well, a couple of years ago, I was walking down this beach, and I stumbled across a genie in a bottle. I freed him, and he rewarded me with two wishes. That first wish was the smartest thing I ever did.”
“Yeah?” the bartender asked. “What was it?”
“Well, I wished that I would always have the exact amount of money that I needed in my pocket when I needed it.”
The bartender was really impressed. “That’s a brilliant idea. No more bank accounts. No more credit cards. No more money worries.”
Then he stopped and looked at the man. “So, what was the second wish.”
The man sighed and ate his olive. “Oh, that was the stupidest thing I ever did. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy.”
“Knowing others is wisdom. Knowing yourself is enlightenment.” - Lao-tzu, Chinese philosopher
A drunk went into the men’s room in a bar. A few minutes later a loud scream came out of the restroom. The bartended went in and saw the drunk, and said, “What’s the matter with you?”
The drunk said, “Every time I flush thing thing it bites me!”
The bartender said, no wonder, stupid–you’re sitting on the mop bucket!!"
The Potato family is sitting down to a family meal. The oldest Potato daughter says, “Mom, guess what? I met this fantastic potato and were getting married. He’s an Idaho potato, too.”
The mom says, “Oh, that’s great! I so happy for you. Wow, an Idaho. Now that’s a fine tator, a fine tator indeed.”
Then the middle Potato daughter says, “Mom, guess what? I too met a fantastic potato and were getting married as well. He’s a big Russet potato.”
Mom says, “Wow, what great news! You’re finally getting married. And to a Russet. Now that’s a fine tator, a fine tator indeed.”
So the youngest Potato daughter says, “Mom, I too met someone and we’re getting married. His name is Dan Rather.”
Mom looks a little sad and says, “Oh, well, I guess I’m happy for you. But Dan Rather? He’s just a commentator.”