I’ve had a lousy day. Will someone please tell me a joke, and preferably a funny one? Gracias.
Jodi
Fiat Justitia
One day, two old men were in the hallway of their nursing home in their wheelchairs. The nurse approaches the first old man, who is making car noises and pretending to drive. “Mike, what are you doing?” asked the nurse. “I’m driving to Florida.” replied the man.
“Okay. Be careful.” said the nurse. About an hour or so later, the nurse returned and Mike was still pretending to drive. “Where are you now, Mike?” the nursed asked the man. “Almost there” replied the old man.
At that moment, the nurse looked over at the other old man, who was jerking off. “What on earth are you doing, Fred?” asked the nurse. Fred replied, “I’m screwing Mike’s wife while he’s out of town!”
–Look! A joke with no lawyers! Just for you.
Livin’ on Tums, vitamin E and Rogaine
I know plenty of extremely offensive jokes…and that’s about it.
Studi
Don’t speak ill of your enemies; plot it.
As God is my witness, I can’t remember if I posted this one in the last joke thread. I don’t think so …
A man bought a duck, and, on his way home, decided to go to the movies. Now, of course they wouldn’t have let him in the theater with a duck, so he put it down his pants and opened his zipper so that it could breathe. He sat down next to two older ladies.
Halfway through the film, one lady hissed at the other: “Mabel, the man next to me has his zipper down, and his thing is out!”
The other one whispered back: “Well, Louise, just ignore it.”
“I can’t,” whispered the first one. “It’s eating my popcorn.”
There once was a man who lived in a beautiful crystal mansion, and his only passion in life was collecting thrones, of all types and sizes. He displayed them in his largest room, on the second floor.
One evening while watching television, he heard an ominous cracking, and before he could react, his thrones fell through the ceiling, crushing him.
Moral:
People who live in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones!
VB
Remember, you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish!
An American business man was in Tokyo to make a big deal for his firm.
After a day of very successful negotiations he arrived back at his posh hotel in a great mood. Thinking to himself how he was a whole ocean away from his wife he decided he might partake of some female companionship. So he hung around the lobby until he found a beautiful oriental woman willing to go upstairs with him for a price.
The entire time they were going at it she was screaming “nogo mishka! nogo mishka!”. He thought to himself “damn I am good !!”.
Finally the next day arrived, and as is customary he went to play a round of golf with his new business friends. At the 7th tee he whacked the ball which arched beautifully into the air and bounced on the green, rolling slowly into the hole. A hole in one. “Yes!” he shouted, “nogo mishka !! nogo mishka!!” The Japanese men looked at each other confused, and one turned to the American. “Pardon me sir . . . but ‘wrong hole’ ??”
“Solos Dios basta” . . . but a little pizza won’t hurt.
A couple on the way to be married, die in a car crash on the way. When they arrive before the heavenly gates, they ask St Peter if they can be married in heaven, considering the circumstances. St Peter is unsure, tells them to wait and goes off to make inqueries. Three months pass, with no word, during this time they begin to think about the true meaning of eternity, and begin to wonder if they can get a divorce if it doesn’t work out. Finally, St Peter returns and tells them yes they can be married in heaven. They then ask him if, in case it doesn’t work out, can they get a divorce in heaven? St Peter throws his arms in the air and in an exasperated voice says,“It took me three months to find a priest up here, I’ll never find a lawyer!”
Priests and lawyers, I love that.
The 3 lil pigs were collecting materials to build their respective houses. The second lil pig saw a farmer with a cart full of straw. So he went up and said
“Pardon me, sir, but could you spare some straw? I am making my house and need some straw.”
Now what do you suppose the farmer said?
:eek: “Holy moly! A talking pig!” :eek:
Noonch.
“And on the eighth day, God Created beer
to prevent the Irish from taking over
the Earth.”
~SNOOGANS~
Or how 'bout this one?
3 buddies are driving home from the pub, and they wreck and die. They get to the pearly gates and St. Peter consults his computer and says to the first guy
“According to our records, Dave, during your time on Earth you cheated on your wife–clickety-clackety-clik–14 times! You can come in, but as punishment you must drive this beat old VW van in heaven for all eternity.”
So Dave sputters thru the gates and waits for his friends.
St. Peter says to the second guy
“Bob, according to our records you cheated on your wife–clickety-clak–4 times. Not too bad, but as punishmentyou must drive this shabby pinto for all eternity.”
So the guy sputters through the gates and waits with for his friend.
Finally St. Peter gets to the last guy.
“Wow, Jeff! You never cheated on your wife at all! As a reward, you get to drive this shiny red Ferrari for all eternity!”
So Jeff purrs thru gates and stops next to his friends. He gets out of the car and looks around and sighs. His friends notice his frown and ask him
“What’s wrong? The car’s not enough? Why the long face?”
“Nah, the car’s great,” he says. “I just saw my wife go by on bicycle…”
Heh heh heh. 
“And on the eighth day, God Created beer
to prevent the Irish from taking over
the Earth.”
~SNOOGANS~
What’s green, fuzzy, and could kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A pool table.
An infinite number of rednecks in an infinite number of pickup trucks shooting an infinite number of shotguns at an infinite number of road signs will eventually produce all the world’s great works of literature in Braille.
A duck walks into a hardware store and says to the guy behind the counter, “Do you sell banana’s”?
The guy looks at the duck like it’s crazy and he says to the duck, “No, this is a hardware store.”
The duck leaves and comes back the next day and asks the guy again,“Do you sell bananas”?
And once again the guy says, “No, this is a hardware store.”
This happens for three more days, and finally the clerk at the counter had had enough. He says to the duck, “No dumbass, I already told you. This is a hardware store, we don’t sell bananas, and if you come in here and ask me that again I’m going to nail your beak to the fucking floor!!!”
A few days pass, and the duck goes into the hardware store, and says to the clerk,“Excuse me sir, do you sell nails?” The clerk responds,“Yes we do sir, but I just sold the last one 10 minutes ago.” “Good,” says the duck, “Do you sell bananas?”
I know it’s dumb, but I seriously got a kick out of it the first time I heard it.
Two guys were out walking their dogs–a Doberman and a Chihuahua–when they decided to stop for lunch at a new restaurant.
“Wait a minute,” says the Chihuahua guy, “They’ll never let us in there with the dogs.” “Sure they will, says the other guy. Just watch what I do and follow my lead.”
He puts on his sunglasses, goes into the restaurant and requests a table. “I’m sorry, sir, says the host, but we don’t allow dogs.” “Oh, you don’t understand–this is my guide dog.”
The host is skeptical. “Since when are they using Dobermans as guide dogs?” “Oh, they’re very good,” says the guy. “They’re very intelligent and they’re also great protection.” “Well, okay,” says the host.
A few minutes later the other guy comes in and requests a table. “Sorry, no dogs.” “Oh, but this is my guide dog,” says the guy. “Oh really? Since when are they using Chihuahuas as guide dogs?”
“A Chihuahua!” the guy yells. “They gave me a freakin’ Chihuahua?!”