You reminded me of this one:
My friend left me his epi pen - he gave it to me just before he died. It seemed very important to him that I have it.
Why do squirrels have such little balls?
Because surprisingly few of them now how to dance.
Q. Why did the duck cross the road?
A. It was the chicken’s day off.
Fucking double posting time outs!
Here are a few of my favorite [del]things[/del] jokes.
A couple groaners that I remember:
A frog goes into this bank and hops up to the loan officer’s desk. The loan officer says: “Hello I’m John Paddywack, can I help you?” The frog says: “Yes I’d like a loan.”
The officer decides to humor the frog and takes a form out of his desk and says: “OK what is your last name?” To which the frog replies “Jagger.” The officer, still doubting the frog’s veracity says, “Well, Mr. Jagger, do you have any collateral?” The frog pulls out a small pink ceramic elephant and hands it to Mr Paddywack asking if can he use this?
The loan officer, barely able to contain himself, but still humoring the frog says: “Well, I’m not sure. Excuse me for a minute; I’ll have to consult with the bank president.” The frog says: “Oh, he knows my dad, tell him Mick sends his regards.”
In the president’s office John shows the object, and says, there’s a frog out here who wants a loan and this is all he has for collateral and I don’t even know what it is. The bank president responded that it was obvious to him, adding: “It’s a knickknack, Paddywack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”
And:
Gabby Crab and Sam Clam were best friends.
They did everything together. The only difference between them is that Gabby was the nicest Crab ever, never lying, cheating, or stealing, abut Sam, well he did all of that and more. But Gabby and Sam really enjoyed each other’s company did everything together. They even died together when Sam crashed his car while high and drunk. Gabby went to heaven and Sam went to hell.
Gabby was doing well in heaven and one day St. Peter came up to him and said “Gabby, you know you are the nicest Crab we ever had up here. Everyone likes you but you seem to be a bit depressed. Tell me what is bothering you, maybe I can help.”
Gabby said, “Well, don’t get me wrong Pete, I like it up here and everything, but I really miss my good friend Sam Clam. We used to do everything together and I really miss him a lot.” St. Peter looked at Gabby with pity and said to him, “I tell you what, I can arrange it so that you can go down to hell tomorrow and visit Sam all day. How would that sound?”
This made Gabby very happy and he got up bright and early the next morning and grabbed his wings, his harp, and his halo and got in the elevator to hell. When the doors opened he was met by Sam. They hugged each other and they went off to have a Hell of a good time. Gabby found out that Sam was running Hell’s discotheque, and they spent the day there together, reminiscing and having fun.
At the end of the day Gabby and Sam went back to the elevator together said their goodbyes and Gabby got back in the elevator and went up to heaven. He stepped off the elevator and was greeted by St. Peter who blocked the doorway to heaven.
He looked at Gabby and said, “Gabby Crab, didn’t you forget something?”
Gabby looked around and said “No, I don’t think so I have my halo and my wings.”
St. Peter looked at him and said, “Yes, but what about your harp?”
Gabby gasped and said, "I Left My Harp in Sam Clam’s Disco”.
I left my heart in San Francisco
My kidney in Japan
I left my liver on the Yellow River
Now I’m only half a man.
Far side cartoon:
As Dr. Frankenstein is getting off the plane, he realizes he’s left his brain in San Francisco.
♫ I’m looking over
My dead dog, Rover
I ran over with the power mower.
One leg is missing,
The second is gone;
The third one’s in pieces all over the lawn.
No need explaining
The one remaining
Is stuck to my neighbor’s door.
I’m looking over
My dead dog, Rover
I ran over with the power mower! ♫
Far Side cartoon:
Popeye is sitting in the witness box in court being cross-examined. The prosecutor says, “Mr. Popeye, you deny committing the murder, yet your pipe was found next to the body. What kind of sick monster are you?”
Popeye: “I YAM WHAT I YAM!”
My humble addition to the repertoire, as formulated and told over dinner a few weeks back:
Most folks think that cheetahs are the fastest land animal. But recently some scientists tested that out, and it’s not true. They raced cheetahs against different dog breeds, and cheetahs were always faster, until they raced them against dachshunds. You know, those little weiner dogs, with the tiny legs? Every single time, they were faster than the cheetahs! The scientists at first thought something was going on, like maybe the dachshunds were finding a shortcut on the track or something, but they realized that was ridiculous, because
Weiners never cheat.
And cheetahs never win.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels
An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise.
He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.
He yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”
Boy yells back “Roll of chicken wire.”
Old man says “What you gonna do with that?”
Boy says “Gonna catch some chickens.”
Old man yells “You damn fool, you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!”
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man’s surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
Old man yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”
Boy yells back “Roll of duck* tape.”
Old man says “What you gonna do with that?”
Boy says back “Gonna catch me some ducks.”
Old man yells back, “You damn fool, you can’t catch ducks with duck tape!”
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man’s amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
Old man says “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”
Boy says “It’s a pussy willow.”
Old man says “Wait up … I’ll get my hat.”
*Yes, there really is duck tape.
There are two types of people in the world. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
A logician is working his second job as an obstetrician and delivers a baby. The mother asks “Is it a boy or a girl?” and the logician answers “Yes.”
A belated Halloween joke.
A woman is handing out candy to trick-or-treaters. She opens the door and finds a small boy who has strings running from his head to his feet.
“What are you supposed to be?”
“I’m a harp.”
"Aren’t you too small to be a harp?
“Are you calling me a lyre?”
There are two types of people in the world. Those who put other people into categories, and those who don’t.
Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: *That’s not funny!
*
The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar.
It was tense.