The two golden rules of success:
- Never tell them everything you know.
A man runs into a veterinarian’s clinic and puts a parakeet on the counter. He tells the vet that his girlfriend’s parakeet is seriously ill and needs emergency treatment. The vet checks out the bird and tells the man, “I can’t do anything. This bird’s dead.”
The man says, “That can’t be. My girlfriend loves this bird.” He thinks for a moment and then asks, “Where can I get a second opinion?”
The vet tells the man to wait a moment, walks to a nearby door, opens it, and a big labrador retriever rushes out. The dog sniffs at the bird, looks at the vet, shakes his head, and then runs out the door. The vet says, “The dog says the bird’s dead, too.”
The man is stunned. He tells the vet, “You can’t be serious. I want a real second opinion.”
The vet walks to another door, opens it, and a beautiful tabby walks in, sees the bird, sniffs it, looks at the vet, shakes her head, and goes back through the door. The vet says, “The cat agrees with the dog. That bird’s dead.”
The man resignedly says, “Okay. I’m sure you’re right. I was just shocked. How much do I owe you for checking on the bird?”
The vet presents the man with a bill for $3100.
The man is incredulous. “Three thousand one hundred dollars! All you did was look at the bird and say he was dead. Why is this bill so high?”
The vet says, “Hey, don’t blame me. My fee’s only $100. The lab test and cat scan were $1,500 each.”
An elderly couple check into a hotel room. The man puts on the radio and the program is featuring a faith healer.
The healer says “I want you to feel the power of the Lord to remove your sickness my brothers and sisters. Just put one hand on the radio and the other on the part of you that ails you’”.
The old guy touches the radio with his right hand and puts his left hand on his crotch.
His wife shakes her head. “You never listen, do you. The man said he can heal the sick, not raise the dead!”
A man goes to the doctor and says “Doctor, I’ve got an orange penis. Please help!” The doctor says “OK, let’s have a look… oh my yes, you do have an orange penis… OK, well, whats been happening? What’s new?” The man replies “Well, not much.” The doctor continues “Well, you have an orange penis for a reason. Let’s get to the bottom of it… do you come into contact with any dangerous substances at work?” The man replies “No, I’m not working at the moment.” The doctor, starting to get slightly irritated by the man’s lack of help in getting to the bottom of his problem, says, “Come now, you need to give me more than that. Give me a break down of your day to day activities. Whats new? What are you doing differently?” The man replies “Well nothing. I’m just doing the same thing as everyday, watching porn and eating Cheetos.”
I think we need a Chuck Norris joke.
Many years ago, one of the Olson triplets stole Chuck Norris’ lunch from the fridge.
Batman challenged Chuck Norris to a fight. The loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.
A man goes to the Dr. because he’s worried his wife is going deaf. The Dr. said to run a test to see how deaf his wife was. “When her back is turned, while you’re across the room, ask her a question and continue getting closer until she hears the question.” That night his wife was doing dishes, from the living room the man asked “Honey, what’s for dinner?” No answer. He walked to the entrance of the kitchen, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” No answer. He walked right up behind her and said, “Hey, what’s for dinner?” His wife turned around and said “For the 3rd time, we’re having meatloaf!”
OK, I laughed out loud on this one! Here’s my reply…
A Jewish couple went to the sex therapist because the wife was having trouble reaching orgasm. The sex therapist instructed them to have the hot young gardener wave a towel over then while they are having sex. They reported back that it didn’t help any. The sex therapist suggested that the hot young gardener make love to the wife; while the husband waved a towel over them. The wife then started experiencing the best orgasms of her life. The husbad said, “now see? THAT’S how you wave a towel!”
Q. Who is the most popular man at the nudist colony?
A. The one who can hold a cup of coffee in each hand, and still carry 6 donuts.
Q. Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony?
A. The one who can eat the 6th donut.
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.
Q. How do you spot a blind man in the nudist colony?
A. It isn’t hard.
Q. Why does Peter Pan fly?
A. If someone hit your peter with a pan, you’d fly, too.
Q. Why are pool tables green?
A. If someone racked your balls, you’d turn green, too.
Q. Why are fire engines red?
A. If someone kept yanking on your hose, you’d turn red, too.
I’m absolutely hearing this in Redd Foxx’s voice. Mostly cos that’s who I heard tell it first… 
Redd Foxx, eh? Cool. I also read it in a joke book where it was an old Italian couple with the wife’s comemnt written as if spoken with a thick accent.
Is Redd’s version on one of his numerous dirty comedy records?
A late-stage pregnant woman is in hospital for check-up. As the doctor examines her, she starts shouting out “IT’S!”, “DON’T!”, “I’M!”, and so on.
“Don’t worry”, says the doctor, “those are just contractions.”
A man is walking down the street, carrying an ENORMOUS apple pie.
His friend walks up to him and says “Wow! That’s a huge pie!”
“Yes”, says the man, “I just baked it, and I reckon it must be a world record. Problem is, I don’t have a set of scales big enough to weigh it. So, I have decided to go over the rainbow.”
“Um, why?”
“Somewhere, over the rainbow, weigh a pie.”
An epidemiologist, an ICU intern and a virologist walk into a bar.
Oh, sorry, 'course not. They know better.
How do you stop your bagels from running away?
You put lox on them.
Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He couldn’t budget.
Q: how many D&D roleplayers does it need to screw a lightbulb?
A: 1D6 +2
What’s the hardest thing about throwing a surprise party for a goldfish?
Getting them out of the bowl without making them suspicious.
A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Bartender says “Hey! We don’t serve no string in here! Get out!”
the string leaves, goes around a corner, scrunches down, ties himself into a granny knot. Then, he pulls a few stray strands out, goes back into the bar, sits down, orders a beer. The bartender serves him.
Guy at the other end of the bar was watching the whole thing, says “Hey, aren’t you the same piece of string that was in here a minute ago?” And the string replied, “No, I’m a frayed knot.”
I was wondering why there were so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa, and than I realized Vampires are killed by Holy water…
They blessed the rains down in Africa.
I usually ask people what LGBTQ means.
I never get a straight answer.
[
My dad said It was Daniel Gabriel Fahrenheit and Anders Celsius to create the terms used for thermometer scales
I replied: Don’t you think it’s egocentric to name everything after yourself?
He said: well, to be fair they both worked hard for their degrees!