How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t. You get down from a duck.
Why do elephants climb trees?
So they can jump out of them.
Why is it dangerous to go into the jungle between two and four in the afternoon?
That’s when elephants are jumping out of trees.
Why are pygmies so short?
They went into the jungle between two and four in the afternoon.
Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
To hide in cherry trees.
You ever see an elephant in a cherry tree?
works, doesn’t it?
People laughed at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now.
Bob Monkhouse
Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamps.
Shout out to all of the people wondering what the opposite of “in” is.
How do you think the unthinkable? With an itheburg.
Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
A. He worked it out with a #2 pencil.
Q. Why do ducks have webbed feet?
A. To stamp out grass fires.
Q. Why do elephants have flat feet?
A. To stamp out burning ducks.
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Why can’t the music teacher start his car?
His keys are on the piano.
Mountains aren’t just funny…
They’re hill areas!
A police officer arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states
Solid, liquid and gas
My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high the air conditioning bill is.
I told him, “My door is always open.”
Every night, the bogeyman checks under his bed for Chuck Norris.
Chuck… checks beneath his bed for Clint Eastwood.
Got a phone call waking me up in the middle of my remote learning class today.
My students are such nerds.
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing
This is as close as I could get
Wife: “How could you do this to me?!”
Husband: “What did I do?”
Wife: "You slept with my sister, you bastard! "
Husband: "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table, and you know she’s an attractive woman. What do you expect me to do? "
Wife: “The freakin’ autopsy.”
Why did Sweden put barcodes on all of their warships?
So they could Scandinavian!
[
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
Q-Why did the chicken cross the road?
A-To search for a place where his motives wouldn’t be questioned.
Q: Why did the moron tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
…
A: He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills.
Q: Why did the moron close his eyes when he passed the medicine cabinet?
…
A: He didn’t want to see the Bayer aspirin.
Q. Why did the duck cross the road?
A. It was the chicken’s day off.
A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for market. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lie down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.
The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs So he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn’t take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs are still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look outside and tell him if the pigs are lying in the mud. “No,” she says, “they’re all in the truck and one of them’s honking the horn”.
How many dance instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Five, Six, Seven, Eight!
How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?
One… or two? Three… or four?
A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Got any grapes?”
The bartender, puzzled, says, “…no.” The duck leaves.
The same duck walks into the bar the next day and asks the bartender, “Got any grapes?”
The bartender says, “No, no grapes.” The duck leaves.
The duck walks into the bar the next day and asks the bartender, “Got any grapes?”
The bartender says, “There seems to be some misunderstanding. This is a bar. We have beer, wine, vodka…even peanuts. But we don’t have grapes. None. Never will.” The duck leaves.
The duck walks into the bar the next day and asks the bartender, “Got any grapes?”
The bartender says, “I’m sick of this. We have no grapes. NONE. The next time you ask me, I’m going to nail your beak to this bar!” The duck backs out, not taking his eyes off the bartender.
The duck walks into the bar the next day and asks the bartender, “Got a hammer?”
The bartender says, “No.”
“Any nails?”
Bartender says, “Uh, no.”
The duck says, “Got any grapes?”
A cowboy is riding his horse along the trail. A dog comes walking up toward them from the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the dog politely says, “Howdy! Nice weather we’re having, isn’t it?” “Holy shit!” says the horse. “Did you hear that? A talking dog!”
That reminds me of a true story involving one of our students. At least he swore it actually happened. He went up to a mounted policeman on Mt. Royal and said, “Nice dog you have.” Policeman replies, “That’s not a dog, that’s a horse.” Student replies, “I wasn’t talking to you; I was talking to the horse.”
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The first rule of passive aggressive club is…
You know what, nevermind. It’s fine.
My wife isn’t a big believer in monogamy
As it turns out.
What do the French call marijuana?
Oui’d
A time traveler has traveled back in time to the year 1963.
However, he does not know the exact date. He sees a CIA agent nearby and asks him: “Is today before or after the JF-”
“Before”