Traveling salesman knocks on a door. A six-year old boy opens it wearing a sombrero, sipping a martini, and puffing on a stogie.
Salesman, taken aback: “…umm, are your parents home?”
Boy: “Da fuck do you think?”
Wife: I’m pregnant.
Dad: Hi, pregnant. I’m Dad.
Wife: No, you’re not.
I wish Covid-19 had started in Las Vegas.
'Cause what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.
My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a half-a-million-dollar vehicle, and that I’m paid to travel.
My dates are always upset when I tell them I’m a bus driver.
Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he’s gonna spend a fortune on gear he’ll only use twice a year.
Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump.
But that’s comparing apples to oranges.
The cop pulled me over and said: “PAPERS!”
I yelled “Scissors” and drove off.
Redheads always make the best bakers.
That’s cause they’re ginger bread men.
My wife dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 3 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
Genie: I shall grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish for a world without lawyers.
Genie: It is done. You have no more wishes.
Me: But you said 3.
Genie: Sue me.
I’m reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is going to happen: I can feel it.
My teenage son treats me like a god.
He acts like I don’t exist until he wants something.
I have a pen that can write underwater.
It can also write other words too.
Why do police get to riots early?
To beat the crowd.
George Carlin came up with this one:
Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he’ll sit in a boat all weekend drinking beer.
I wrote a paper in college titled “Sell a Man a Fish”, with the proverb:
Sell a man a fish, and you eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and you lose a potentially valuable customer.
Build a man a fire, and he will be warm for an evening.
Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”
“To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.”
“The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.”
~Jack Handey
The following are all quotes from 11-year-olds’ science exams – original creative spelling retained:
“When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.”
“H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water”
“To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube”
“When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide”
“Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.”
“Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.”
“Blood flows down one leg and up the other.”
“Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.”
“The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.”
“Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.”
“Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.”
“A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.”
“Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.”
“The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.”
“The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.”
“The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.”
“A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.”
“The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.”
“A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.”
“Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.”
“Germinate: To become a naturalized German.”
“Liter: A nest of young puppies.”
“Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.”
“Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.”
“Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.”
“Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives.”
“Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.”
“To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.”
“For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.”
“For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration.”
“For fainting: Rub the person’s chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.”
“For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.”
“For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.”
“To prevent contraception: wear a condominium.”
“For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat.”
“To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.”
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system yet?
They checked the reviews… only 1 star
Ain’t it weird that offices are NSFW right now?
My grandpa kept telling people that the Titanic was going to sink. They ignored him.
Eventually, they needed to throw him out of the cinema.
Doctor to Girl: OK, take off your clothes and lie down on the examination table, please.
Girl: Giggles, hesitates.
Doctor: What’s the matter, have you never been examined before?
Girl: Of course I have been examined before, but never by a doctor.
Why did helen keller lose to mike tyson?
Fucking judges 
Why did the antivaxxers 3 year old cry?
He was having a midlife crisis
England was originally called tengland
But they drank the t
Did you hear about the Italian who lost the use of his arms?
Now he only speaks French.
Bloke walks into the pub and sees the menu listing.
-
Hamburgers $1
-
Cheeseburgers $2
-
Handjobs $20
A beautiful waitress approaches and asks what he’d like.
“You the one giving the handjobs then?” He asks.
“I sure am”, she replies with a grin.
“Well, wash your hands and make me a cheeseburger.”
Does this one make any sense to anyone?
A man walks up to a bank teller.
“May I help you?”
“Yes, I need to open a fucking savings accout.”
“I’m sorry sir, we don’t allow that sort of language.”
“I don’t give a shit, I need to open a fucking account.”
“Sir, please, I won’t be able to help you unless you stop using profanity.”
Bank manager walks over. “Is there a problem here?”
“Yes, I just won 10 million in the lottery and I want to open a fucking savings account.”
“I see, and this bitch is giving you a hard time?”
Helen Keller is known to have had horrible eyesight. Of course Mike Tyson would beat her bloody in the ring, yet people blame the judges.
I thought it was something like that, but then I thought I must be missing something.
Thanks.
“write a wise saying and your name will live forever”
- anonymous.
Why did the man fall in the well?
He couldn’t see that well.
Just read this one in a book:
2 Irishmen are out to sea fishing, when a storm comes one them. They lose both oars, and things are looking grim, when one of them grabs at an object floating by. It turns out to be a lamp, and when they rub it, a genie appears as says he will grant them any 1 wish.
While the 1st guy is deciding what to ask for, the 2d blurts out, “I wish the sea were Guinness!” Poof, the raging sea was Guinness, and the genie was gone.
The 1st guy yells at the 2d, “You idiot! Do you see what you’ve done? Now we have to piss in the boat!”
Ha ha!