I bought Bonnie Tyler’s car recently on ebay, but it’s rubbish…
Every now and then it falls apart
Ted Cruz almost made America great again…
…but then the idiot came back
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Why was the elephant arrested?
It forgot it’s swim trunks.
What do you get for winning the muscle loss competition? Atrophy.
Wife: You had a vasectomy without telling me? Are you serious?
Husband: I kid you not.
Prison is just one word to you.
But to some people, it’s a whole sentence.
My brother prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator.
I guess we are raised differently.
Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch…
Yeti never complains…
What did the necromancer say at the funeral
Hi there I’m Bob the necromancer and today I am going to be doing a unboxing video
While my wife was in labor, I read her the front page from Reddit Jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused…
It must have been the delivery…
Not sure why Microsoft wants to buy Discord for $10 billion
When they could just download it for free
Why do you never see a fat ninja?
Because fat ninjas are the best ninjas.
Dad walks into strip club*
Dad: “Twerking hard or hardly twerking?”
We discovered my grandfather is addicted to Viagra.
Nobody’s talking it harder than grandma.
Did you know there’s a city in Ohio called “Engagement?”
It’s somewhere between Dayton and Marion.
I don’t get it.
Ninjas are “good” at not being seen.
Exactly.
The best thing about being addicted to drinking brake fluid?
You can stop whenever you want.
Why does Batman not kill his villains?
Because he’s not a cop
That reminded me of one…
An Irishwoman answers a knock at the door, and it’s two of her husband’s coworkers from the nearby Guinness brewery, looking very distressed.
One says “ma’am, we’re very sorry to have to tell you this, but earlier today your husband fell into a giant vat of Guinness and drowned.”
The woman starts to cry and says “at least tell me he went quickly.”
“Afraid not ma’am, he climbed out twice to take a piss.”
A couple of posts in another thread reminded me of these, but I didn’t want to hijack it.
…
A man goes to see the doctor and tells the doc that his penis has turned orange.
The doctor looks at it and says, “I haven’t ever seen any thing like this before in my entire medical career. What do you do for a living? Do you work around any hazardous materials?” The man says no.
The doctor asks the man what he does all day. The man responds, “Nothing.” The doctor is really puzzled now and says, “You can’t not do anything. What do you do at home all day?”
The man replies, “Honestly, doc I, don’t do anything. I just sit around, watch porno flicks and eat Cheetos.”
…
A cop spots a man driving down the city streets with five penguins in his back seat. The cop stops him and says: “Sir, I really think you should take those penguins to the zoo.” Man replies: “Why officer that is a fine idea!” The cop sees the man drive off in the direction of the city zoo. Job done, end of story…or so the cop thought. The very next day, he sees the same man driving around with the five penguins in his back seat.
Cop (angry): “What the hell, man! I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!!!”
Man (bemused): “But I did, officer…we’re going to the beach today!”
A guy walks into a bar, and cries, “OWWWWWW!”
I hate my mood swings. They’re great!
You could view the huge cross on the cover of the Holy Bible as a bigtime spoiler…
What should you do when you come across a hungry bear in the mountains?
No need to do anything. The bear will do it all for you.
My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Rolls Royce.
Wow,” I said. “That’s an amazing car.”
He replied, “If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I’ll get another one next year!”
My uncle spent £250,000 on a new limousine and later found out the price does not include a driver
To think he spent all that money and has nothing to chauffeur it!
My Crush just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”
Now she’s staring at the bushes confused, wondering who said that.
I remember when my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
And I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people.
Hindsight is so-o-o last year!
This joke expires January 1, 2022.
A penguin is driving a car through Arizona on a really hot day when the engine overheats. He pulls to the side of the road, calls for a tow, and has his car taken to a garage. He gives the service manager the keys and notices a Baskin Robbins across the street. Ice cream sounds great on a day like that, so he waddles over and orders. Because he has flippers, it’s very hard to eat and he gets it all over his face and chest etc. but it sure is good.
The mechanic calls to let him know his car is ready so he waddles back. The mechanic is about to close the hood and says to him, “Looks like you blew a seal.”
The penguin replies, “No, it’s just ice cream.”
Props for this.
This reminds me of:
“My new boyfriend thinks I’m a stalker. Well, technically, he isn’t my new boyfriend yet.”
Pfizer has developed a new drug which is a combination of ginko boloba and Viagra. It helps to boost your memory. It’s called Ginko Viagra and it’s to help you remember what the fuck you were doing.
And that reminds me of:
What’s the difference between a box of chocolates and a crazy ex lover?
Nothing. They’ll both kill your dog.
…he said last time, we’re stuck in a time loop
Which really pisses me off because that’s what…
The world is funny, If government find oil or diamonds in your backyard it’s government property but
If they find drugs it’s yours.
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.
A solid 10.
But also imaginary.
Generally speaking - women are.