An 80-year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how
he’s feeling.
“I’ve never been better”- he replies. “I’ve got an 18-year old bride who’s
pregnant with my child.” What do you think of that?"
The doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, :“Well, let me tell
you a story.” “A guy I know is an avid hunter. He never missed a season.
But one day, he’s in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella
instead of a gun.
So, he’s walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in
some brush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella, points it at the
beaver and squeezes the handle. BAM - The beaver drops dead in front of
him.”
“That’s impossible” says the old man in disbelief. “Someone else must have
taken a shot at that beaver.”
The doctor says… “Exactly.”
lol 
I like it too. I’ll have to tell my roommate.
Oooooohh!! OUCH! But, funny!!!
The Avid Golfer
Bill, an avid golfer, contacts a “Medium” and asks if there is a Golf Course in Heaven. The Medium says that his request is a big order, but he will try and find out and get back to him in a few days. After several days go by, Bill finally gets a call from the Medium. “Well,” said Bill, “what did you find out?” “I’ve got good news and bad news for you,” said the Medium. “OK,” “what’s the good news” Bill exclaimed. “Well,” there is a beautiful 36 hole golf course in Heaven, and you’ll have 24 hour access with your own personal caddy," blurted out the Medium!! “And the bad news?” asked Bill. “You’re due to tee-off this Sunday at around 10:30 in the morning,” the Medium said!!
Best one I’ve heard in a while
80 year old guy goes into a bar and starts teeling the other patrons about his life. He says, “I’ve just married an 18 year old girl, extremely beautiful with huge knockers, and every night she makes love to me for hours on end!”
Another patron says “That’s incredible, at your age? Have you told your doctor?”
The guy says, “Are you kidding? I’m telling everybody!”
and it’s kinda dirty but…
A man has to travel for his job and leave his new bride at home for three weeks. He doesn’t want her to get lonely so he goes to buy her a dildo.
At the dildo store the clerk shows him several dildoes but the man is not happy with any of them so he asks the clerk if he has anything special. The clerk brings out this engraved wooden box and shows the man a fabulous dildo. He says " Voo Doo dildo…the keyhole" and the dildo floats over to the keyhole and starts ramming it, the clerk says “Voo Doo Dildo…back in box” and it floats over and lays back in the box. The man is very impressed and purchases the dildo.
The man goes home and tells his wife to just say “Voo Doo dildo…my (insert your favorite reference here).” The wife says yeah whatever, and the man goes on his trip.
Well after about 4 days the wife is alone and pulls out the box and tried it out. It was the most fabulous masturbating experience of her life! Multiple Orgasms!! Soon she is done she reaches down to get the dildo but it won’t budge, she freaks out and does everything she can think of to remove it but can’t so she throws on a skirt and heads to the hospital. On the way she gets pulled over by a cop and after she explains her story to him the Officer says “Voo Doo Dildo My Ass!”
Morris was fast approaching 80 years old, and his bride-to-be, a sweet young thing of 25, was concerned that he might not be able to take all the excitement of their wedding night, so she suggested that they get a suite with adjoining bedrooms. Morris agrees, so on their wedding night, they each retreat to their separate bedrooms to prepare to consummate their union. After a few minutes, Morris knocks on the door shyly, lets himself in, and joins his bride in her bed. She’s pretty impressed with the old guy’s technique and stamina, especially at his age. After they finish, they cuddle for a bit, and Morris gets up and returns to his room.
A little while later, Morris knocks on the door again. His bride is a little surprised to see him, but also very excited at the prospect. He bounces her around the mattress for a bit, then relaxes in the afterglow before returning to his room again.
Yet again, Morris knocks on the door after a bit. By this time, his bride is amazed. Forty minutes of passion later, she can’t believe her luck, at what a stud her geriatric husband has turned out to be.
“Morris, honey,” she coos into his ear. “I’ve been with men a third your age, and NONE of them could match your lovemaking…each successive time tonight has been better than the previous…”
Morris looked at her with a puzzled look on his face. “You mean I’ve been here already?”
One time at my 15th birthday party, we were at that waterpark? Well, I saw this 60 year old guy sliding down one of those things, and he was going so fast his bathing suit fell off. And I just stood there and stared at his big, floppy, balls, flapping around all over the place. Holy jeez I wanted to lick 'em!
An adam sandler fan, I see.
An old old man drove his wife to the doctor’s office. The doctor examined her and asked to speak to the old man alone. He said, “Listen, nothing is wrong with your wife that sex three times a week wouldn’t fix. That’s my prescription for your wife, sex on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.” The old man thought for a minute and nodded. “All right, Monday and Wednesday are OK, but on Fridays, she’s gonna have to take the bus.”
An 80 year old man comes up to the pharmacy counter and orders a gross of condoms. The fetching young salesgirl’s jaw drops in disbelief. “But sir,” she stammers, “a gross is 144. Are you sure you need that many?” “Yup,” comes the reply. A week later the guy is back and orders another gross. The salesgirl decides that despite his age, he must be a demon in bed. So the third time he comes in, she asks him out. They go out to dinner, have a nice talk; the girl is getting all squirmy with anticipation at what’s to come, but when they get to her house, he drops her off with a polite peck on the cheek. “I don’t understand!” she wails. “Don’t you find me attractive?” “Why shore I do,” says the man. “But you go through a gross of condoms a week!” she replies. “Don’t you want to use a few on me?” The old man laughs and laughs. “No, honey, you don’t understand. They’re fer my dawg.” "Your dog?!?" “Yep. Ya see, I’ve got a poodle I’ve never been able to housetrain, so I puts 'em in his food. Now he shits in little rubber bags.”
I can see this is already going downhill, so I can’t make it any worse.
A man noticed his wife wasn’t quite the same as she used to be. So he takes her to the doctor. The doctor does a bunch of tests. He calls the man into the office. He says, “Well, I’ve narrowed it down to two things. It’s either Aids or Alzheimers.”
The man says, “Oh, My God!!! What am I going to do? How do I know which one she has?”
“Well,” says the doctor, “I suggest this: before going home, take her out in the middle of nowhere. If she makes it home, don’t fuck her.”
An elderly gentleman, accompanied by his wife, goes in for his annual checkup. The doctor meets them in the waiting room after the exam and says, “I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news. You see, you’re not getting any younger; and while you’re generally in fair health, your heart isn’t what it used to be. I’m afraid that anymore sex will put to much of a strain on it, and that you could die.” The couple goes home much perturbed, and after much discussion decides that it would be best if the husband sleeps on the couch from now on. After a few nights of no action, the husband can’t stand it anymore, and starts sneaking upstairs. He meets his wife coming down. “Darling,” he whispers, “I was just coming up to die.” “That’s okay, honey,” she whispers back, “I was just coming down to kill you.”
rimshot, please
Dear Abbey,
I’ve just met a wonderful girl. I am deeply in love with her and we want to marry. Just the other night she told me that she has a terrible disease. I just can’t remember if it was V.D. or TB. How do I tell?
Uncertain in Des Moines
Dear Uncertain
If she coughs, fuck her.
An 80 year old man is in a nursing home watching TV. Mean while there is another old lady running around the TV room in her night gown. She apparently has had too much medication. She runs and jumps in between the old man and the TV, lifts her gown and yells, “SUPER PUSSY!”.
The old man looks at her for a moment and says, “I’ll take the soup.”
you didn’t even have to do the punchline, greathouse; the whole super pussy thing got me rotflmao!
A little girl is in the park the day after Christmas when the little neighbor boy comes up to her feeling real proud of all the new clothes he got as presents and says:
“I gots a new coat from Santa!”
Not to be outdone, the little girls says: “Well, I got a new coat!
“I got new shoes!”
“Well I got new shoes, too!”
I got a new pair of pants!”
“I got a new pair of pants , too!”
The little boy thinks for a minute, then pulls down his pants and points at his penis
“I’ve got one of these!”
The little girl pulls down her pants and looks……
And runs off…
“MOMMMMMYYYYY!”
After a few minutes she comes back to the little boy, wearing a great big smile and points at her crotch
“My Mommy says that with one of these, when I grow up, (points at his)
I can have all of those I want.”
Old guy goes in for a physical. The doctor checks him over and asks, “How old are you, again?”
The guy says “72.”
Doc: “Amazing. You’re in superb shape for a man of your age. I’ll bet your father lived to a ripe old age.”
Old Guy: “Who said my father was dead? He’s 97 and he’s still going strong.”
Doc: “Wow. And I suppose that your grandfather also lived a long life?”
Old Guy: “Who said my grandfather was dead? He’s 120 and he’s getting married this Saturday.”
Doc: “Astounding. And why does he want to get married at his age?”
Old Guy: “Who said he wanted to?”
Okay, I’ll admit it, this was going around the internet a while back, but you’re going to like it anyway.
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money!”. After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president’s office (the customer is always right!). The bank President then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, $165,000.00 and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, “Ma’am, I’m surprised you’re carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?” The old lady replied “I make bets.” The president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?”. The old woman said, “Well for example, I’ll bet you $25,000.00 that your balls are square.” Ha! laughed the president, “That’s a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!”. The old lady challenged, “So, would you like to take my bet?” “Sure, said the president, “I’ll bet $25,000.00 that my balls are not square!” The little old lady then said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?” “Sure!” replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: “$25,000.00 says the president’s balls are square!” The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. “Well, Okay,” said the president, “$25,000.00 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.” Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, “What the hell’s the matter with your lawyer?” She replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000.00 that at 10:00 am today, I’d have The Bank of Canada’s president’s balls in my hand.”
So this old guy is getting ready for his wedding night with his young bride. He drops trou and she gasps at the nastiest looking pair of knees ever. He notices her concern, and explains, “When I was young, I had a severe case of kneezles.”
He sits down and pulls off his socks, and she can’t believe his horrendously deformed toes. He explains, “I also experienced a touch of toelio. But don’t worry, it’s not contagious.”
He proceeds to stand up and drop his shorts, and his bride observes, “Don’t tell me. Smallcox?”