An 80 year old man was just placed in a nursing home. On his first morning there, he wakes with a morning hard-on. A nurse comes in to care for him and notices his erection and proceeds to immediately give him a fantastic blowjob. The guy can’t believe it, it’s more action than he’s had in 20 years!
Later that morning he’s waliking down the hall, slips, and falls. Immediatley an orderly runs up and screws him in the ass.
The old guy is finally able to get up and make it back to his room where he gets on thephone right away and calls his son.
He tells his son about the morning blowjob. “Well, that doesn’t seem so bad, now does it dad?” the son replies.
The old guy says “yeah, well there’s more” and proceeds to tell his son about the orderly. “You have to get me out here son!”
“Hmmm, well Dad,” the son says “I guess it’s like you always said, you have to take the bad with the good.”
“But you don’t understand” the dad cries, “I wake up with a hard-on maybe once a month, I fall down three or four times a day!”
I heard this one the other day…It got me ROLLING!..
Setting: Bar
A man, with a half grin, walks up to the bartender and says “I have the coolest trick to show you” and the bartender says “Whats that?”. The man says “Actually I think we can make it a bet.” Bartender say “Hit me with it.” The man says “Alright: I bet you $100 that if you put a shot glass on top the bar, and if I step back 5 feet and whip it out, every drop of piss will land in that shot glass.” The bartender, knowing this is easy money, accepts the bet and waits with a smile. The man whips it out from 5 feet off the bar and starts pissing. Not a DROP lands in the shot glass. Its going all over the bartender the stools, the bar top, and the bartender says with a guttoral laugh “Well give me the money.” The man says “Alright hold on…”
About 2 minutes later the man returns to the bar with a hundred dollar bill and an even larger grin than he had when the two first met. The bartender says “How can you be so happy? You just lost a hundred dollars!”
The man says with a smirk: “You see that man over there?
About 20 minutes ago i bet him $1000 that i could piss all over your stools, your bar, and you, and you’d be happy about it!”
Little Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroom one day and found him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his dick. In an attempt to hide his full erection, Johnny’s father bent over as if to look under the bed.
Little Johnny asked curiously, “What ya doin’, Dad?”
His father quickly replied, “I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed.”
Here comes a true story - at about a month ago a good friend of mine went to a shop:
A mother is waiting at the cashdesk with her daughter and the little girl wants to go outside to the ice stall.
The mom says it is okay, but she wants a kiss before her daughter leaves.
“NO” the child answers. “Yesterday night I saw you with daddys insert child word for dick in your mouth. I dont wanna kiss you”
Needless to say the mother paied as quick as possible and left in a hurry.
A man took his elderly mother to a nursing home to check it out. He sat his mother down on a sofa in the main aisleway and went to talk with the administrators.
The old woman started to tilt slowly toward the left. A Doctor came by and said, “Let me help you.” The Doc piled several pillows on the left side of the old woman so she would stay upright.
Then the old woman started to tilt slowly to the right. An orderly noticed and put several more pillows on her right side to keep her upright.
The old woman started to lean forward when a nurse came by and piled several pillows in front of her. About this time, the son returned.
“Well, Mom, isn’t this a nice place.”
The old woman replied, “I guess it’s ok, but they won’t let me fart.” Also, some math jokes:
Q. What does a mathematician do when he’s constipated? A. He works it out with a pencil.
Q. What did the vector say to the scalar? A. I’m getting tensor and tensor. Q. What did the scalar respond? A. Don’t pull rank on me.
And my favorite… Q. What do you get when you cross a mountain climber with a mosquito? A. Nothing, you can’t cross a vector with a scalar.