Joke Of The Day Winner

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, ‘Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway… You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, but… something happened. I’m trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.’

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, ‘You’ve got $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap. It’s $1,000 an inch.’

The man perks up at this. ‘So,’ the doctor says, ‘it’s for you to decide how many inches you want. But it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it’s important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.’

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.
‘So,’ says the doctor, ‘have you spoken with your wife?’

‘I have,’ says the man.

‘And has she helped you in making the decision?’

‘Yes, she has,’ says the man.

‘And what is it?’ asks the doctor.

‘We’re getting granite countertops.’

2

How about Formica and three inches?

3

That joke seriously won? I mean, I went over it a few times to make sure I didn’t misunderstand it, but nope. It’s really just a “women don’t like to have sex” joke. Yay.

4

Er…there’s a LOT more undertones to it than that. Running from “when men get married they give up their balls” to the woman is always the boss in any relationship to women don’t need a dick to satisfy them.

Reading it as “women don’t like sex” is a bit one dimensional.

5

Plus you need to hear it in the voice of that narrator from the Six Million Dollar Man: Gentlemen, we have the technology. We can rebuild his willy.

6

The extra dimensions don’t make it any funnier, though.

7

That was way funnier than the original joke.

ETA: There’s got to be some bionic willy porn spoof, right? You just know there has to.

ETA2: It is somewhat strangely titled, though: The Senator’s Daughter.

8

I always say there’s nothing like a good joke and that wasn’t anything like one.

9

It sounds like a variation of an older better joke:

A man isn’t feeling well, so he goes to see his doctor. The doctor examines him, and then asks to speak with his wife. The doctor tells his wife that her husband has cancer. The wife asks “can he be cured?”. The doctor replies “there’s a chance we can cure him with chemotherapy, but you will need to take care of him every day for the next year – cooking all the meals, cleaning up the vomit, changing the bed pan, driving him to the hospital for daily treatments, and so on”. When the wife comes out to the waiting room, the husband asks her what the doctor said. The wife answers “he said that you’re going to die”.

10

And that’s a variation of another joke, dating back more than 30 years.

Pretty much the same one, but work in “You’ll have go to back to him, make an X with your knife on the snake bite (on his perianus), and suck the poison out.”

11

Or the really sick version:

A man’s mother-in-law is in a wreck. After hours of surgery, the doctor comes out and says, “Well, there’s good news and bad news. Which do you want first?”

The guys says, “The bad news.”

Doc says, “Your mother-in-law is going to live, but she’ll be totally crippled. You’ll have to feed her, bathe her, wipe her butt, drive her to therapy, etc., etc. It’ll be a tremendous financial burden as well.”

The man is totally overwhelmed and collapses crying. After a while, he recovers his composure enough to ask, “What’s the good news?”

The doc says, “I’m just messing with you. She died.”

12

That may just have to become my new favorite joke.

But it would be hard to top the one about the four dead nuns.

13

Or the two live ones:

Two nuns are sight-seeing in Rome by bicycle. It’s getting late, so they decide to take a shortcut to get back to their abbey. They ride down an old, old street. One says nervously, “Sister, I don’t think I’ve ever come this way before.”

The other smiles slyly and says, “Yes, I know. It’s the cobblestones.”

14

Two nuns walk into a liquor store. The owner of the store watches them move furtively around the store, until they finally select a small bottle of gin and make their way to the cash register.

“Um, ladies, I always thought nuns didn’t drink…”
“Oh no, it’s not for us, it’s for the Mother Superior.”
“Yes, it’s for medicinal purposes.”

The owner can’t really argue with that, so he rings them up and watches them leave. A few hours later he closes the store. As he is locked the door he sees the two nuns sitting on the curb, empty bottle next to them. As he approaches, he notices that they are well and truly drunk.

“Sisters! I thought you said that the gin was for the Mother Superior? And that it was medicinal? Look at yourselves!”
“No no no, shee, thish ish for Mu-Mother Shuperior. Shee’s conshtipated. And when she shees us she’s gonna shit.”

15

Oh what the hell.

Little Johnny sees Father Murphy standing outside the church in front of that huge block of marble with all the names on it. Seeing a chance to finally find out what the monument is for, he approaches Father Murphy and asks him.

“Father, why are there all those names on that big block of stone?”
"Well Johnny, those are the name of people from this parish that have died in the service.’

Johnny thinks about this solemnly for a moment, then takes a little step closer to the priest.

“Father, the 9:30 service or the 11:00?”

16

Wow, a Little Johnny joke that’s not dirty.

17

I love that joke so much, I told it to the family around the Thanksgiving dinner table. One uncle laughed. Everyone else – stony silence.

I love that uncle!

18

He was cleaning the attic when he stumbled upon his favorite old topcoat. Trying it on , he noticed something in the pocket. It was an old claim stub for the shoemaker in his old home town. As coincidence would have it, he would be within about 150 miles of there on a business trip the following month. He remembered to bring the ticket, rented a car and drove the 150 miles. When he reached his home town he parked across the street from the shoemaker’s store and sure enough, there was the very same little Italian guy hammering away in the window. He handed the man the stub and he disappeared into the back room for about 15 minutes. Upon returning, he approached the counter and said “They’ll be ready Wednesday”

19

A mailman was making his rounds and came to the last house. The lady of the house invited him in for a coffee. After a short while, she excused herself and returned several minutes later wearing a filmy, sexy negligee. She asked him to join her in the bedroom, which he did. Afterwards, she reached over to her purse, pulled out a dollar bill, and handed it to him. Really puzzled now, he asked, ‘What’s this for?’

The lady said: 'I was talking to my husband about what to give everyone for Christmas this year, and I asked him what we should give the mailman.

'He said, ‘Fuck the mailman. Give him a dollar.’

20

Here’s the first “Little Johnny” joke I ever heard (and it’s not dirty at all). “Mrs. Jones, can Johnny come out to play?” --“But Johnny has no arms or legs, how can he play?” --“Well, we need a second base.”