A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to the gynecologist. The doc takes one look at this woman and all professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.
As he does this he says to the woman, “Do you know what I’m doing?”
“Yes,” she says, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.” “Yes, that is correct,” says the doctor.
He then begins to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asks. “Yes,” says the woman, “you’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer.”
“That’s right,” replies the doctor.
He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, “Do you know what I’m doing now?”
“Yes,” she says. “You’re getting herpes.”
What’s the difference between a magician and a chorus line?
The magician has a cunning array of stunts…
And the gynecologist sings, ‘I’ll be seeing you in all the old familiar places…’
A man walks into a doctors office. He (the man) has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana wedged in his right ear. “What’s the matter with me?” he asks.
“It looks like you’re not eating properly,” replied the the doctor.
Stop me anytime now.
A biker’s hot girlfriend goes to the gynecologist for a physical. When the gyno starts examining her, it turns out she’s a nymphomaniac. Everywhere he probes or touches or feels makes her moan suggestively, until he loses all restraint, rips off his clothes and has her right there on the examining room table.
Meantime, the biker get suspicious of all the commotion and barges into the room.
“What the hell are you doing?” he shouts.
“I’m–uhhh–checking her temperature,” stammers the gyno.
“OK, doc, go ahead,” growls the biker taking out his switchblade, “but if that thing doesn’t have numbers on it when you pull it out, it’s coming off!”
What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a Peeping Tom?
A pickpocket snatches watches…
This guy comes home from work to find his girlfriend visibly distraught.
He asks her what’s wrong.
“People have been saying bad things about you and I overheard some of my friends call you names,” she replied.
“Can you give me an example of one of the names your friends called me?” he prompted.
“Sure, I think one of them called you a…a…pedophile.”
“A pedophile, huh?”, “That’s an awfully big word for an eight year old”
I just wanted to tell you all that you are spared the longest joke in the world, because it’s almost three times the length allowed by our software.
A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor says “I’m afraid I got some bad news. You’ve only got 20 minutes left to live”
Then the doctor says “Oh wait, I’ve got some good news. Looks like my watch is running 15 minutes fast today.”
What is the difference between a tribe of clever Pygmies and a girls track team?
One is a group of cunning runts…
Family Guy quote:
“Dammit Peter, sometimes I feel as if I’m married to a child.”
"A child, all right Lois, I’ll give you that. But if I’m a child, what does that make you? A pedophile, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to stand here and be lectured by a pervert.
No, I don’t have an appointment.
Umm, well, I found a tampon behind my ear. And my first thought was “OK, then what the fuck did I do with my pencil?”
There was a young woman of Clew
Whose limericks all ended at two.
Hmmmm… I’ve always heard (told) an infinitely viler version of this joke. Anybody else?
- Peter Wiggen
There was a young woman of Dunn
Yup. Vile enough I wouldn’t even post it in a spoiler. Involves the word “presumptuous.”
Now where is that “I’m going to hell smilie?”
So, this gynocologist goes into the optomistrist’s office and says, “You gotta get me new glasses. Everything I see is fuzzy!”
A brilliant gynecologist got bored. His work was dull, and every woman he dated seemed like just another impatient patient. So he quit his practice and went to auto mechanic’s school.
He soared through every class, making top marks every time. Then came the final exam. He had to diagnose, tear down and reassemble an engine, while being timed.
The next day, he was called into the office. All the instructors and the principal were there.
“Doctor, this has never happened before. You scored 150 on your final.”
“How’s that possible? You said the highest score was 100.”
He spread out the charts. “You diagnosed every problem, even one we weren’t aware of. You tore down the engine and reassembled it perfectly, in record time. And, gosh, we had to give you extra credit for doing it all through the muffler.”
I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask for a link to that. 
Two nuns and a penguin walk into a bar. They ask for three beers. The penguin asks for his beer ‘on the rocks’, at which point, the bartender snarls, “What is this, some kind of joke?”
A couple was celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary with a dinner and a few drinks.
Says the woman, “Hon, you remember the first time you saw me naked, right?, what were your first thoughts?”
He replied, “I just wanted to screw your brains out and suck your boobs dry.”
She then disrobed, gave him a sexy glance and asked, “What are you thinking now?”
“I’m thinking I must have done one hell of a job.”
A female patient looks into her doctor’s eyes and says “Kiss me, doctor.”
The doctor tries to calm her down and reminds her that it’s not uncommon for female patients to become enraptured with their doctor.
A few minutes later the woman says “Please, kiss me doctor!”
The doc fends off her attempt to kiss him.
A few more minutes later, the woman pleads “Please, please! Doctor, kiss me!”
The doctor says “Look, I shouldn’t even be SCREWING you!”