I need off color jokes

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’ll start, so you know the type of thing I’m looking for:

Two old ladies are standing at a bus stop and smoking cigarettes. It starts to rain. The first old lady reaches into her purse, pulls out a condom, and cuts the end off. She unrolls it and wraps it around her cigarette.

“That’s clever”, says the first old lady. “It keeps your cigarettes dry. Where did you get those?”

“I got them at the corner drug”, says the second old lady.

The next day, the first old lady walks into the corner drug. She asks for a pack of condoms. The guy behind the counter raises his eyebrow a bit and asks “What size will you be needing, ma’am?”

“Big enough to fit a Camel.”

2

A pair of ancient Southern Belles were sitting on the verandah. One says, ‘Do you remember the Minuet?’ The other replies, ‘Hell, I don’t even remember the men I slept with!’

3

Oh, awesome, a dirty joke thread.

A penguin is driving through the desert, and has car problems. He manages to barely get to the nearest town, and gets to a repair shop. The mechanic says “It’ll be about an hour. You look awful hot, why don’t you go down to the drug store and get a drink?”

The penguin thinks this is a splendid idea. Since the drug store has a soda fountain, the penguin orders a nice cold bowl of ice cream. But he doesn’t have hands, just flippers - so he gets it all over his face.

He gets back to the garage, and the mechanic says “It looks like you blew a seal.” To which the penguin replies “No, that’s just a little ice cream.”

But this version is funnier, and has chimps in people clothes.

4

Here’s another one:

Two erudite scholars are debating the finer points of nature vs. nurture. Mr. Brown, the “nature” proponent, proposes to Mr. White, the “nurture” adherent: “I know, we’ll pick up two of the lowest-class harlots we can find right off the street, and if we can turn them into sophisticated socialites within one month, I’ll buy you a case of your favorite wine.”

“Deal,” the other says.

So they go to the worst neighborhood in town, and find two particularly disreputable-looking ladies who are willing to move in with them for a month, for a fee of course. The strumpets are given the finest education in the arts, history, maths, drama, the works.

After the month is nearly up, Mr. Brown comes to the house they both share, only to find Mr. White sitting in the drawing room, despondent, and with clothes askew.

“What’s wrong, old chap?” asked Mr. Brown. “I don’t know! I was just giving them their lessons - 17th century French Philosophy - and suddenly, they ripped their bodices open, ravished me, stole all our money and silver, and ran screaming down the street, exposing themselves to every bystander they saw!”

“Why, how could you make such an amateur mistake?” said Mr. Brown. “What mistake?” replied Mr. White.

“Well, you can never put Descartes before the whores!”

5

Q: What’s the difference between a golf ball and a G-spot?

A: A man will spend twenty minutes looking for a golf ball.

6

Man (to woman at bar): Can I smell your twat?

Woman: Certainly not you filthy animal

Man: Oh, it must be your feet then.

7

Three mice were sitting at a bar talking about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says, “I play with mouse traps for fun. I’ll run into one on purpose and as it’s closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it 40 times.” He slams a shot.

The second mouse slams a shot and says, “That’s nothing. I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort those sons a bitches just for the fun of it.” He slams a shot.

The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and walks away.

The first two mice look at each other, then turn to the third mouse and ask, “Where the hell are you going?”

The third mouse stops and replies, “I’m going home to fuck the cat.”

8

Woman: doctor, I seem to have damaged my knees, can you help me?
Doctor: Do you have any idea how this happened?
Woman (embarrassed): well, I like to do it Doggy-style……
Doctor: have you considered doing it in the missionary position?
Woman: No NO, if I do that, the dog keeps licking my face!

9

An oldie but goodie…

A man takes a job in a pickle factory. After a few weeks on the job, his wife notices that he’s coming home from work every day in a state of great agitation and unhappiness. She says, “Honey, you always seem so anxious and upset when you get home from work. Is there anything the matter?”

He hems and haws for a few minutes then says, “I’ve been wrestling with this for some time. Every day at work, I have an almost uncontrollable urge to stick my dick in the pickle slicer.”

“Oh my God!,” says the wife. “You poor man! Maybe we need to get you some psychiatric help!”

“No,” the man says, “I think I can be strong.”

A few days later, he comes home from work early, absolutely ashen-faced. Fearing the worst, his wife says, “Honey, what’s wrong?”

“I finally did it. I couldn’t resist any longer. I stuck my dick in the pickle slicer.”

“What happened to you after that?” the wife gasps.

“I got fired.”

“You got fired?” says the wife, puzzled. “What happened to the pickle slicer?”

“Oh, she got fired, too.”

10

A woman goes into a plastic surgeon’s office and requests a face lift. The surgeon offers her a number of options, but she finds them all too expensive. He finally offers her the cheapest solution: He can put a screw in the top of her head, and whenever she tightens it, it will pull her skin up and tighten the wrinkles on her face. She agrees to the procedure.

A week later she returns to the surgeon’s office.

“Doctor, the procedure worked great. But now I have bags under my eyes!”

“Lady, those aren’t bags, those are tits. And if you tighten that screw any more, pretty soon you’ll have a beard.”

11

An ant is walking along in the jungle, when he spies an elephant. Feeling a bit randy, the ant decides he’s going to have sex with her. He climbs up the elephant’s hind leg, finds the appropriate orifice, and goes at it. A monkey sitting in a coconut tree (I know – work with me here) thinks this is the funniest thing he’s ever seen, an ant having sex with an elephant. The monkey decides to have a little fun himself, so he throws a coconut at the elephant and hits her in the head. ‘Ow!’ said the elephant. The ant said, ‘Take it all, bitch!’

12

A guy picks up a woman in a bar, and they get a hotel room to have sex. The man takes off his shoes and socks, and he has the gnarliest, most malformed toes the woman had ever seen. ‘What’s wrong with your toes?’ she asks. The man says, when I was little I suffered from tolio.’ ‘You mean “polio”?’ asks the woman. ‘No,’ replied the man, ‘Tolio.’

The man takes off his trousers and his knees are in a similar condition as his toes. ‘Eek!’ cried the woman, ‘What’s wrong with your knees?’ The man replies, ‘When I was little I had a bout of kneesles.’ ‘Do you mean “measles”?’ asks the woman. ‘No,’ replied the man, ‘Kneesles.’

Then the man removes his underwear. ‘Wait! Don’t tell me!’ cried the woman, ‘Smallcox!’

13

I always liked the one I saw at the Ship of Fools site

A little girl is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying her eyes out. A priest approaches and says, “My child, why are you so upset?”

The little girl turns to him and says, “My mummy and daddy were in their car – and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there.”

The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, “It’s just not your day, is it?”

14

More old ladies:

Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench. Suddenly, a flasher leaped out of the bushes and flashed them!

The first old lady had a stroke.

The second old lady had a stroke.

The third old lady’s arms were too short to reach.

15

A man comes home to find his girlfriend with her bags packed and ready to leave.

“Baby,” he asks, “why are you leaving me?”

“Because I found out the truth about you! You’re a pedophile!”

“Honey,” he responds, “pedophile is an awefully big word for an 8 year old.”

16

A priest and a rabbi were playing a little basketball. When they were done they were pretty sweaty so they decided to hit the showers. While they were in there they discovered that they had no soap. The priest said “Hey, I have a couple of bars of soap in my office just down the hall. Stay put, I’ll run and get them.”

The priest got out of the shower and started to dry off so he could put on some clothes, but stopped. His office was right down the hall, what were the chances that anyone would see him? He could make a wet, naked mad dash and be back in a jiffy.

So he ran down the hall to his office, grabbed a bar of soap in each hand, and started running back. On his way back, he heard voices coming from around the corner. Nuns! Oh no, what was he going to do? He couldn’t make it back to his office in time! He panicked a little, then decided to pose like a statue. Maybe he’d fool the nuns!

The three nuns rounded the corner and noticed the priest. The first one said “Omigod, a new statue! I like it! And hey, it looks like a vanding machine, because it has one of those pully things in the middle. I’m going to try pulling it!” So she pulled on the priest’s “pully thing.” The priest got rattled enough that he lost control of one bar of soap and it fell to the floor. “Omigod!”, said the nun, “I got soap! Yay!”

The second nun said “Ooh, soap! Let me try!” She pulled on the priest’s pully thing. Once again, he got rattled and dropped the other bar of soap. “Oh. My. GAWD! I got soap too! Wicked awesome!”

The third nun said “My turn, my turn! Ooh, hand soap!”

17

Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

A: [gagging sound]

18

An old fave, but it requires you to act it out, in person…

What’s the difference between amateur wrestling, professional wrestling, and the priesthood?

Amateur wrestling has the half nelson (stand behind person, demonstrate)

Professional wrestling has the full nelson (stand behind person, demonstrate, don’t release)

The priesthood has FATHER NELSON (start humping like crazy)
What’s the difference between light and hard?
A man can sleep with a light on.

What’s the difference between dark and hard?
It’s dark all night.

What’s the last sound a pubic hair makes before it hits the ground?
(Make spitting sound)

Why don’t [insert ethnicity here] women breastfeed their babies?
It hurts too much to boil the nipples.

What’s the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?
The prostitute can wash her crack and sell it many times over.

What do you call a prostitute with no legs?
A night crawler

What do you call a Spanish girl with no legs?
Consuelo

What do you call two gays named Bob?
Oral Roberts

What soup do gay guys order in Chinese restaurants?
Cream of Sum Yun Gai

How do you know if you’ve done a good job of performing cunnilingus the night before?
You look in the mirror the next day and your face looks like a glazed donut.
A little old lady is making her way down the hall at the nursing home. Suddenly, an old man jumps in front of her and says, “Excuse me ma’am, I need to see your license!” She hands him a wadded kleenex. “Thank you ma’am, move along now.”

A few feet farther, another old man jumps in front of her and says, “Ma’am, I need to see your registration…” so she hands him a candy bar wrapper. He looks at it. “Thanks ma’am, have a nice day.”

A few feet farther, another old man jumps out. This guy has a huge erection. “Aw man!” she says, “Not the breathalyzer AGAIN!”

19

I’ve told this before I think but it’s my favorite:

The spinster was grousing to her friend about not getting any and she replied “oh honey, just do what I do…go down to the grocery store and pick you out a bag boy!”
“Really?” She replied.
“REALLY!” She said wickedly and gave her a few tips.

A few days later she went to the Piggly Wiggly and found herself a strapping young fella to help her out with her purchase. On the way out to the car she leaned over and whispered:
“I’ve got an itchy pussy.”

The bag boy looked around nervously and kept walking.

Thinking he hadn’t heard she cleared her throat and said a bit louder:

“I’ve got an itchy pussy!”

The bag boy quickened his pace.

The woman grabbed his elbow and blurted into his ear: “What’s wrong with you? Didn’t you hear me say I had an itchy pussy?!”

“Lady, you’re gonna have to point it out - all these foreign cars look the same to me!”

20

A child molester and a little kid are walking through the dark, creepy forest when the little kid says, “I’m scared.”

The child molester responds, “You’re scared? I’ve got to walk out of here alone!”