Two nuns were diving through Transylvania on a dark and gloomy night. As they made their way along a lonely road, a vampire jumped onto the bonnet of their car and menaced them. One nun said, “Honk the horn!” The nun complied, but the vampire held on. “Turn on the windshield wipers!” cried the first nun. The other did that and although they swatted the vampire unmercifully, the vampire still clung to their car and got even angrier. “Show him your cross!” cried the nun. The other rolled down the window and shouted, “Get off the fucking car, you blood-sucking shithead!”
Okay, so let’s hear your nun jokes. 
One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper. A man was walking by and said “Wow what a goddamn fish!” The sister said “Sir you shouldn’t talk to me like that: I’m a nun”, and the man said “But that’s the name of it: a goddamn fish”. So the sister took the fish back to the rectory and said “Mother superior, look at the goddamn fish I caught.” The mother superior said “Sister, you shouldn’t talk like that!”, and the sister said “But mother superior, that’s the name of it: a goddamn fish”. So the mother superior said “Well give me the goddamn fish and I’ll clean it.” While she was cleaning the fish the monsignor walked in and she said “Monsignor look at the goddamn fish that the sister caught.” The monsignor said “Mother superior you shouldn’t talk like that!”, and the mother superior said “But that’s the name of it: a goddamn fish”. So the monsignor said “Well give me the goddamn fish and I’ll cook it”. That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said “Wow what a nice fish”. And the sister said “I caught the goddamn fish.” And mother superior said “I cleaned the goddamn fish”. And the monsignor said “I cooked the goddamn fish”. And the new priest said: “I like this f**king place already!”
And this classic…
What’s black and white and red all over, and has trouble going through revolving doors?
A nun. With a spear through her head.
Hehe, I’ve heard that one SkyBum. Except my version has the Pope at the table who, after hearing the “goddam fish” discussion, leans back and says, “Hey, you fuckers are all right!”
What’s black and white and red all over?
A nun in a blender.
Two nuns are captured by Cannibals. As they sat in the heating cauldron, one nun devoutly said her prayers. The other one started laughing her fool head off. The first nun said, “We are about to meet our Lord! What’s so funny?”
The second nun said, “I just crapped in their soup!”
A priest, a rabbi and a nun walk into a bar. “What is this, some kind of a joke?”
I know that’s weak! I’m trying to remember one involving St. Peter and Holy Water and “spitting vs. swallowing,” but I don’t have it yet…
That would be this joke that I posted here
OK…Four nuns went to heaven and were greeted by St. Peter. Sister Mary goes up to the podium to sign in, and St. Peter asks if she had any sins she’d like to confess before entering heaven. Sister Mary said “I’m very ashamed, Once I looked at the Bishops penis”.
St. Peter said “There’s nothing to worry about sister. Go to the fountain and wash your eyes with holy water and all will be forgiven”.
Sister Maria stepped up to the podium, and St. Peter asked her the same question. “Well, once, I gave into curiosity and touched the Bishops penis”. “Curiosity is not a mortal sin my dear, go wash your hands in the fountain of holy water, and all will be forgiven”.
Sister Anne started up to the podium, but Sister Margret ran up to the podium in front of her. “Whats your hurry dear”? St. Peter asked, “This is heaven, you have all the time in the world.” I’m sorry St. Peter", replied Margret, “But I wanted to gargle with the holy water before Anne soaks her ass in it”!
Jon
What’s black and white and red all over?
A nun falling down the stairs.
Q: What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?
A: A roaming catholic.
LOL!!! nitro, that would be the one! Thank you!
So these two leprechauns walk into the church, and want to speak to the priest. He’s very curious to see them, as he didn’t think leprechauns existed.
When he tells them this, the first one looks smugly at the second, who glares back, but says nothing. After a bit of small talk, they get down to the reason for the visit.
“Tell me Father, ye say ye didn’t think that our folk existed atall, then?”
“That’s right.”
“So, could ye safely say then that there are in fact no leprechaun nuns, here, there or anywhere?”
“Yes, that’s a safe assumption.”
The first leprechaun turns to the second, chuckles a bit and says, “Y’see? I told ye ye’d fucked a penguin, ye dumb shit!”
I think it’s meant to be… “What’s black and white and black and white and black and white?”
Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street. One says, “I’ve never come this way before”. The other says, “Me neither - it must be the cobbles!”
You can kiss a nun, but you mustn’t get into the habit.
Two nuns in the bath. One of them says “where’s the soap?” The other replies “yes, it does, doesn’t it.”
It’s pitch black in the convent, but Mother Superior still has to say “Right girls, candles out.”
How do you get rid of a nun’s hiccups?
Tell her she’s pregnant.
What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
A tran-sister.
Mother Superior is in the bath. There is a knock at the door, so she gets out of the bath to answer it.
She is still naked, so she shouts"Who’s there?"
“Its the blind man” is the answer from the other side of the door.
“OK” thinks the nun, “I’ll open the door”
“Great tits Mother, here are your blinds” says the blind man.
Three nuns died in a car wreck and met St. Peter at the pearly gates. To their astonishment, he informed them that due to new rules in heaven, they must pass a test before he could let them enter.
Nervously, the first nun stepped forward and was asked, " What was the name of the first man on earth?"
“Oh, I know that! His name was Adam!” she replied.
“That’s right.” said St. Peter, and bells started ringing and lights started flashing, and the pearly gates opened up and the first nun entered heaven.
Then the second nun stepped foward for her question, and St. Peter asked her,“What was the name of the first woman on earth?”
“Oh, that would be Eve,” answered the second nun, sighing in relief.
“Correct!” responded St. Peter, and bells started ringing and lights started flashing, and the pearly gates opened up and the second nun entered heaven.
The third nun was feeling pretty confident after hearing the first two questions, so she stepped forward and said, “Okay. I’m ready.”
“All right,” said St. Peter," All you have to do is tell me the first words that were spoken by the first woman to the first man on earth."
The nun was floored. She thought and thought and strained to remember anything she might have heard on the subject, but finally had to admit, “Oh my, that’s a hard one!”
And bells started ringing and lights started flashing…
What do you call a nun in a blender? A twisted sister.
Why did the nun cross the road? It was her habit.
How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her as an alter boy.
Three nuns walk into a bar. The fourth nun ducks.
Thank you, I’ll be here all week. Try the veal.
Color me stupid, but I don’t get these.
I don’t get the first, but for the second - after the lights are all out, apparently the nuns have a different use for candles (think long taper candles rather than tealights) and they have to be chastized to take, not put, them out.