A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."The hippie of course says that he’d love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. “If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder,” says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she’s in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. “I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first,” he says.The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I’m the hippie! "The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, “Ha ha, I’m the bus driver!”
A young woman was serving as a housemaid to an old man. He discovered she was stealing the silverware, and was going to phone the police and press charges. She begged him not to do that, and said she would do anything. He considered her youth and beauty, and agreed to take her upstairs to bed. Once there, he strived mightily to impress himself upon the young woman, but, due to the infirmity of his age, he was unable to take her. Finally he sighed and said, “It’s no use. I’ll have to call the police.” …And now, the Aristocrats!
Little Sally is a little distressed because she walked in on her parents when they were having sex.
Mom: Well, Sally, it’s called “having sex,” and that’s where babies come from.
Sally: What about last week, when Daddy was sitting on the couch and you were kneeling in front of him?
Mom: That’s where jewelry comes from.
When my wife were trying to get married in a church we had to do pre-marriage counseling. There were three couples, counting us, total. My wife and I, Frankie and Johnny, and Jack and Diane. The minister told us that we had to go an entire week without having sex. Something about connecting spiritually, blah blah blah whatever.
So a week goes by and we go back into our meeting. The minister asks us how everything went. Frankie and Johnny were first. They said they didn’t have any issues whatsoever. When it was my now wife and my’s turn we said that it was hard sometimes (HA!) but after a cold shower we made it the entire week.
“How’d things go with you” asked the minister.
“Well,” said Jack, “it was difficult the entire week. But yesterday Diane bent over to pick up a can of beans and I had to take her right there. So I did.”
“I’m sorry to hear that” said the minister. “You are not welcome here.”
“Yeah,” said Diane, “They said that at Vons, too.”
A young (well, young adult I suppose) socialite/debutante was courted by a quite elderly man — a courtship which was much followed by the gossip media. By and by, the announced their engagement, then got married. On their first night of wedded bliss together, the gossip media, paparazzi, etc., were right there, camped outside their door.
What might it have been like? The young, perky, energetic and adventurous young lady, with the elderly, creaky, plodding old fart?
What a difference one night makes! What a shock the pesky news hounds saw in the morning! Old man was now energetic, rejuvenated, with a gleam in his eye and a bounce in his step! And OMG, his wife! She looked like a worn-out old hag, stooped over, disheveled, face wrinkled and dessicated, pooped out old lady.
What in the world happened during that night? — the pesky gossip reporter all asked with one voice.
“All the time he was courting me”, she said, “he said he had been saving up for fifty years. And I thought he meant money!”
A (formerly rather wealthy) gentleman was faced with an unenviable task: Explaining to his wife that he had just blown the family fortune on gambling, and that they would now have to learn how to live on a budget.
“If you will just learn to cook great meals”, he tells his wife, “we can fire the cook.”
And she answers: “Well, well. And if you will just learn to make great love, we can fire the gardener.”
Two fleas are flying around when they notice an elephant standing under a coconut tree. One flea says to the other:
“You know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna go down there and fuck that elephant”
“Really? you’re going to fuck that elephant? THIS I gotta see. Go for it”
So the little flea flies down there and proceeds to have at it. Right about that same time, a coconut falls off the tree, hitting the poor elephant in the head. To which the elephant responds with a thunderous trumpet.
Frank and Joe would carpool to work. One day Frank noticed that Joe seemed kind of depressed after months of his initial wedded bliss. So he asked Joe what was up, and Joe told him the magic had gone out of their sex life after just a few months of marriage. Frank told Joe that’s the way it was for him and his wife too, until they began to mix it up in the bedroom. He asked Joe how they were doing it, and Joe said it was just missionary like they always did. Frank pointed out the window at a couple of dogs doing it someone’s yard. He told Joe to try something different like that to bring back the spark.
The next day riding into work together again Joe looked elated. So Frank asked him if that was because they’d tried something new. Joe said yes, but it wasn’t easy. It only took one drink to get her to do it doggy style, but it took the rest of the bottle to do get her out on the front lawn.
A woman had 3 virgin daughters who were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but “Nescafe”. Mom was puzzled at first, but then went the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: “Good till the last drop.”
Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: “Benson & Hedges”. Mom now knew to go straight to her husband’s cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: “Extra long. King Size”.
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words “British Airways”. Mom pulled up the British Airways website fearing the worst, and finally found the slogan for British Airways: “Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.”
A woman visits the doctor, complaining about how her knees hurt,
the doctors asks if she has any idea what might be causing it:
to which the woman replies ,” maybe because I allways have sex doggy style”,”
have you tried the missionary position? “ the doctor asks….
”yes” the woman answers ”but I don’t like it when Spot licks me in the face”
An old-school farmer has triplet daughters. They have reached their 18th birthday, at which point the farmer allowed that they could begin dating. They each had their first date arranged on the same evening.
A knock on the door. The farmer answers it, shotgun in hand. A nervous young man is standing on the porch. “Yes?” says the farmer.
“Hi, I’m Joe, I’m here for Flo, we’re going to the show, can she go?”
The farmer lowers his shotgun. “Yep, she can go.”
Another knock. “Hi, I’m Eddie, I’m here for Betty, we’re going out for spaghetti, is she ready?”
No wait, that wasn’t my favourite, this is my favourite:
Joe took his blind date to the carnival. “What would you like to do first, Kim?” asked Joe. “I want to get weighed,” she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 130 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 110 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. “I want to get weighed,” she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. “I want to get weighed,” she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, “How’d it go?” Kim responded, “Oh, Wauwa, it was wousy.”
This guy is walking down the beach, and he spies something shiny in the sand. He moves closer and sees a Genie’s lamp. A real Genie’s lamp. Well, he’s skeptical, but he gives it a rub, and don’t you know, a cloud of smoke comes out and suddenly a Genie appears.
And the Genie says, “Thank you for letting me out of the lamp where I have been imprisoned for thousands of years. To show my gratitude, I will grant you one wish.”
And the guy says, “I thought I get three wishes.”
But the Genie says, “Fuck you, you read too many fairy tales. You get one wish.”
So the guy thinks for a bit and then he pulls out a map of the Middle East and says, “You know, if I have just one wish, it would be for the people in this part of the world to finally get along with each other and with the rest of the world.”
On hearing this, the Genie gets a pained look on his face and he says, “I don’t know if I can do that. The people in that part of the world have been fighting since even before I got stuck inside the lamp. Even my powers cannot put an end to their strife. Don’t you have an easier wish?”
So the guy thinks for another moment. Finally, he gets an idea as his face breaks into a wistful smile. He asks, “Do you think you could fix it so that maybe just once my wife would give me a blowjob like she used to.”
And the Genie sighs and asks the guy, “Can I see that map again?”
