Dirty jokes that kill.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

A spin-off of Oakminster’s thread. I just wanna learn some new dirty jokes. There’s no such thing as a joke too dirty for this thread. Anything goes. I’ll begin with the nastiest joke I know.

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Two fishermen are sitting by a lake enjoying the tranquility over a couple of beers. Although they were both regulars, the first fisherman had noticed that for the past couple of weeks the second fisherman had been consistently arriving before him, and going home later. So he asked

“What’s the matter buddy? Trouble at home?”

“Not really” the second fisherman replied “I’m actually on my honeymoon”.

“Your honeymoon?” The first guy exclaimed “Then why aren’t you back home shafting your wife?”

“Nah mate” he replied “She’s got syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, herpes, crabs, the lot. I wouldn’t touch it with yours!”

“Okay” the first guy said hesitantly, shifting slightly further away from him “Well…couldn’t you take her up the ass?”

“Fuck no!” his friend said, shuddering “She’s haemorrhoids, piles, constant diarrhoea, you name it. Plus, she shits so violently that it’s kinda pushed her asshole out, so her rectum just sorta hangs there. I call her ‘Blossom’.”

“Oh, Christ!” the first guy exclaimed “Well…for fucks sake, mate, couldn’t you at least get her to give you a blowjob or something?”

“No way” said the second fisherman “On the one hand, she hasn’t got any teeth, but on the other hand, she’s got pyhorrea, halitosis, ulcers, oral thrush. God, it’s a mess in there.”

“Well then why’d you fucking marry her then?!?”

“For the maggots”.

2

“The Aristocrats!”

3

This isn’t really, really dirty, but uses a certain taboo swearword.

You have to say it out loud. Come to think of it, it might not even work in the USA.

What do you call an English lady police officer who hasn’t attended to her bikini line for a week?

Constable.

Or something that sounds a lot like it…

4

You’re right, I don’t think it works in the US. I tried to understand, I really did. :frowning:

5

The “C” word + stubble. Sorta sounds like the way some folks pronounce constable.

6

I think it’s “cunt stubble”.

7

Two drunks are walking down the street when they pass an alleyway where a dog is sitting there licking himself.

First drunk says “Man, I wish I could do that.”

Second drunk says “I don’t know… maybe you should just pet him first.”

8

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”

The husband replied, “All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry.”

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “What are you thinking now?”

He replied, “It looks as if I did a pretty good job.”

9

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely” to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said “The sky is definitely blue”. The teacher said, “Well, that isn’t entirely correct, because sometimes it’s gray and cloudy”.

Another student says, “Grass is definitely green.” The teacher again replies “If grass doesn’t get enough water it turns brown, so that isn’t really correct either.”

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher “Do farts have lumps?” The teacher looked at him and said “No…But that isn’t really a question you want to ask in class discussion.” So the student replies, “Then I definitely shit my pants.”

10

The version I’ve heard is, best in a native Southern accent, “Man, that dog’d bite you!”

11

Lewis Grizzard! and Uga the mascot for Georgia. (May not be in this clip, but it’s on one of them.)

Here’s one I got in email this week. Oldish unless you haven’t heard it:

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A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

Human beings are the only animals that stutter,’ she says.

A little girl raises her hand. ‘I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.’

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

‘Well’, she began, ‘I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!’

‘That must’ve been scary,’ said the teacher.

‘It sure was,’ said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went “Ffffff, Ffffff, Fffffff,” but before she could say ‘Fuck,’ the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.

==============================

12

Missed the edit window. Lewis’s Uga story is about 5 minutes into the clip. Must be heard!

13

A bunch of drunks in a bar were boasting about how large their cocks were, and one pointed to the bartender’s pet cat and said “My cock is as long as that cat’s tail!”. The other drunks called him a liar, and bet him a lot of money that it wasn’t so. So the guy whips his cock out and strokes it to an erection, but it doesn’t look anywhere near as long as the cat’s tail. The other guys began insisting he’d lost the bet when he says:
“Wait a minute! Where are you measuring the cat’s tail from?”
“From it’s asshole”
“Well do me the same favor!”

14

What does Josef Fritzl say to his wife when he wants to have sex?

“I’ll be back in twenty minutes”.

15

What’s the difference between jam and marmalade?

You can’t marmalade your cock up your wife’s ass.

What’s the difference between a baby and an apple?

You don’t cum all over an apple before you eat it.

16

Wasn’t it Emo Phillips who said “My girlfriend said to me in bed ‘You’re a pervert.’ I replied ‘That’s a big word for a girl of nine.’”

17

What’s black and blue and hates sex?

The fourteen year old in the back of my van.

18

How does a hillbilly mom know when her daughter has started to have sex?

She can taste it on her son’s dick.

This is wrong on so many levels.

19

Q : What reeks at the same time of shit, feet and pussy ?

A : Pantyhose rolled-up in a ball.

20

I appreciate a well-told filthy joke. Not so much the pedophile jokes…doesn’t seem like that’s what the OP is looking for. Really, I’m not a delicate flower type…but those just really disturb me.