Dirty jokes that kill.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

A woman goes into hospital to give birth. It’s a difficult birth, so difficult that she actually faints just as she delivered the child.

As she came around the nurse says to her, “It’s all over now, but I’m afraid there’s good news and bad news. Which do you want first?”

The worried lady asks for the bad news first.

“I’m sorry”, the nurse said. “But your baby’s ginger…”

“Noooooooo!!!”, the lady screams. “What have I done to deserve such a tragedy! Please, tell me the good news.”

Nurse says, “It’s dead”.

Sorry.

22

A man goes to the doctor, with a digestion problem.

‘Doctor, I can’t digest anything. I eat carrots, I crap carrots. I eat steak, I crap steak. I eat cake, I crap cake !’
‘Well, just eat shit then.’

23

:smiley: Not heard that one before!

24

Pierre the French Fighter Pilot and his girlfriend are having a romantic picnic. As no one is around, they start making out.

He kisses her deeply and she says, “Oh Pierre, kiss me harder…”

He grabs the Red wine and dribbles some on her lips and kisses her hard.

“Pierre, what are you doing?”

“I am Pierre, ze French Fighter Pilot and when I eat Red Meat, I like Red Wine!”

“Oh Pierre, kiss me lower…”

He opens her blouse and takes the White Wine and splashes it across her breasts.

“Pierre, what are you doing?”

“I am Pierre, ze French Fighter Pilot and when I eat White Meat, I like White Wine!”

“Oh Pierre, kiss me lower…”

He kisses down her stomach and gently removes her skirt and panties. Then he takes the bottle of brandy and splashes it across her public hair and lights it on fire.

“PIERRE!” She screams as she bats out the flame, “What the HELL are you doing?”

“I am Pierre, ze French Fighter Pilot and when I go down, I go down in flames!”

Three old Southern ladies are sitting on their front porches, drinking lemonade and chatting about their husbands.

“I know,” says one. “Let’s all give our husbands soda pop nicknames for how they are in bed. I’m going to call mine, 7-Up, ‘cause he is up seven days a week!”

They all cackle and rock in their chairs.

“Okay,” says the second. “I am going to call mine Mountain Dew, ‘cause he is big as a mountain and always wants to do it!”

They all cackle and rock in their chairs.

The third one thinks for a minute and says, “I am going to call mine Jack Daniels.”

“Jack Daniels?” says the other two. “But that’s a hard liquor!”

“That’s my Henry!”

25

A girl goes to see the doctor. When she disrobes, he notices an H tattooed on her chest. “Young lady, why do you have an H tattooed on your chest?”, he asks. She replies “My boyfriend goes to Harvard. When we have sex, he sees the H and it fills him with school spirit.”

The next day, another girl goes to see the same doctor. When she disrobes, he notices an F tattooed on her chest. “Young lady, why do you have an F tattooed on your chest?”, he asks. She replies “My boyfriend goes to Fisher College. When we have sex, he sees the F and it fills him with school spirit.”

The next day, yet another girl goes to see the doctor. When she disrobes, he notices an M tattooed on her chest. “Let me guess”, he says. “Your boyfriend goes to MIT, right?” She gets a little angry and says “I don’t have a boyfriend, I have a girlfriend. You got a problem with that?” She stews for a minute, then brightens up. “Anyway, she goes to Wellesley!”

26

Two Greek hookers walking down the street. One stops and sniffs the air, do you smell dick she asks? the other hooker replys, sorry I just broke wind.

27

This made me laugh so hard…

28

A couple of nuns are riding their bikes through the streets of Vatican City. They go down a side street that’s paved with cobblestones. When they get through it, one nun says “I’ve never come that way before.” The other replies “Must be the cobblestones.”

29

Two nuns are walking through a park when two men grab them and drag them into the bushes where they start to rape them.

One nun looks up to Heaven and says; “Lord, forgive him for he knows not what he’s doing”

The other nun says; “Mine does”.

30

snerk

There’s a park where a couple of statues have stood for about a century. One day God says to them “You have stood here for a very long time. I am going to grant you both ten minutes of life to enjoy, then you will continue to be statues.”

The statues stir a little, then come to life. They give each other a sly grin, then both jump into the bushes. The bushes rustle a bit. Five minutes later, they emerge, looking very satisfied.

God says “Wait, you still have five more minutes to go! Make use of it!”

One looks at the other and says “OK, this time you hold the pidgeon and I’ll shit on him!”

31

This was a skit on comedian John Byner’s show TV Bizarre in the early 80’s

32

To be fair, I’ve heard this joke for years with no attribution as to it’s origin.

33

I’m pretty sure I heard it in the 70s, but I could be mistaken. It’s been a long time…

34

One of my favorites:

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone’s amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-- whole!”

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy. “He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and again has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

“Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.

“No, what?” replies the guy. “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!” said the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy. “Ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first…”

35

A groom runs in late to get ready for his wedding. Hi’s best man says, “Where have you been, you are late?”

The groom smiles and says, “I am marrying the most wonderful woman in the world and she just gave me the best blow job of my life.”

“You’re a lucky man.” the Best Man replies.

Meanwhile, the bride is also late and rushes in.

“Where have you been, you are late?” The Maid of Honour asks.

The Bride smiles. “I am marrying the most wonderful man in the world, and I just gave the last blow job of my life.”

36

Four nuns are in a car. The car crashes, and they all die and go to Heaven.

They end up at St. Peter’s Gate. St. Peter says to the first nun “Before I let you into Heaven, I just need to know. Have you ever sinned?”

The nun hangs her head in shame and says “Yes sir, before I took my vows I looked at a man’s penis.”

St. Peter says “OK, then, over there is a marble basin full of holy water. Just splash a little in your eyes and then go right in to Heaven.” The nun is pleased with this.

St. Peter turns to the second nun and says “Before I let you into Heaven, I just need to know. Have you ever sinned?”

The nun hangs her head in shame and says “Yes sir, before I took my vows I touched a man’s penis.”

St. Peter says "Alright. Over there is a marble basin full of holy water. Just wash your hands in it and you’re good to go.

He turns to the third nun and sees her fighting with the fourth one. “Hey hey hey, what’s all the fighting about?”

The fourth nun says “I really think I should be allowed to gargle with that stuff before Sister Theresa sits in it!”

37

Mrs. Smith’s husband has lost interest in her sexually, so she goes to the lingerie boutique and buys some crotchless panties. That night, when her husband comes home from work, she yells down from the bedroom, “Honey, I have a surprise for you! Come upstairs!”

When he opens the bedroom door, she’s lying on the bed wearing just a bra and the panties. She spreads her legs and says, “See anything you want?”

He says, “Why would I want that? Look what it did to your underwear.”

38

BB King was going to celebrate his birthday. His wife decided to do something special for him so she decided to get his initials tattooed on her ass. That is, a “B” on each cheek.

When he got home on his birthday, his wife said “Guess what I did for you, BB?” She then turned around, lifted up her skirt, dropped her panties, and bent over.

BB looked at her for a few seconds, then shouted “Who the hell is Bob?”

39

A young guy comes into a bar and orders 6 shots of tequila.
As he downs them, the bartender smiles and says “Celebrating something pal?”
Guy nods, “Yeah, first blowjob”.
Bartender says, “Great, here, let me buy you another.”
Guy shakes his head, “No thanks, if 6 shots don’t wash the taste out, I doubt a 7th will”.

40

An old couple is in a hotel room, listening to the radio, when an evangelist comes on the air.
“I want to you feel the power of the Lord. He can heal the sick. I want you out there to put one hand on the radio. I want you to put the other hand on the part of you that’s ill.”
The old guy touches the radio and puts the other hand on his groin.
His wife shakes her head.
“Didn’t you listen to the man? He said he can heal the sick, not raise the dead”.