My wife is in a contest at work where the best dirty joke wins a free lunch. So, I’ve been appointed Procurer of the Winning Joke. So, I turn to you, the Teeming Millions, to help out the spouse.
EDIT: I hope this is the right forum, so please forgive me if it isn’t.
You’ll need to give us more than that. A dirty joke that’s work safe? What level of dirty are you aiming at? Ribald or Revulse?
An egg and a chicken are laying in bed together.
The egg turns to the chicken and goes, “well, I guess we’ve answered that question.”
That shouldn’t get anyone fired.
Three guys are commiserating after a night of partying. The first says: “Man, I got so drunk last night I blew chunks all night.” The second says: “That’s nothing! I got so drunk last, I woke up in some strange woman’s bed and I don’t remember anything about her or what we did!” The third guy says: “You guys had it easy. I got so drunk I took a woman home and had sex with her, and my wife walked in on us!” The second guy replies: “Oh man, that’s tough, you win.” The first guy objects: “I don’t think you guys understand…Chunks is my dog!”
“…The Aristocrats!”
Nah, that’s probably too much. How about this one, a version of an old favorite I snagged off another site:
A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant’s trunk onto the man’s penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man’s penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, “What was that?”. Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, “I don’t believe I saw what I think I just saw… can you do that again?” With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, “Honey, I’d like to, but I don’t think my ass can take another hard roll!”
Here is one of my favorites:
A man who has been jerking off quite a bit ends up with a sore arm but doesn’t want to tell anyone exactly what caused it. He goes to a doctor and complains of tennis elbow. The doctor says, “I can diagnose your exact problem and anything else that might be wrong with a single cup of urine. Just fill it up.”
The man says, “I can’t believe that. Nobody can really do all that with just one cup of pee.”
They argue for a while until the patient breaks down and agrees, but he’s determined to give the doctor the challenge of his life. The man goes home with the cup, pees in it, has his wife pee in it, then his teenage daughter, and then his dog. Then he adds a few drops of oil from his car and, for good measure, he jerks off and adds a few drops of jizz to the cup, then drops off the cup at the doctor’s office for testing.
A few days later, he returns to the doctor’s office for the results. The doctor gives him a smug look and says, “Okay, wise guy, here’s the deal. Your wife has an STD, your daughter is pregnant, your dog has distemper, your car needs an oil change, and if you don’t quit jerking off, that ‘tennis elbow’ of yours is never going to heal.”
The Aristocrats!
ETA: Damn Max beat me to it.
There’s this guy, he feels great, but all of his friends tell him he looks terrible.
This goes on for months. Finally, he goes and sees a doctor. “Doc” he says, "I’m not even sure why I’m here. I feel great, better than ever, but everyone tells me I look terrible. "
“hmmmm” replies the doctor “You do look pretty nasty. Let me Let me look into this giant book of diagnosis that I happen to have here. Hmmm, let’s see. Looks good, feels good? No, that’s not it. Looks bad feels bad? No, that’s not it. Looks good, feels bad? Hmm, close, but that’s not it. Aha! Here it is! Looks bad, feels good!”
“What is it doc! You can tell me!”
“You’re a vagina”
Two neighbor women go out for a night on the town. They drink, they dance, and have a good time. Walking home, they take a shortcut through the cemetery, and both realize they’ve gotta pee. While squatting they search for something with which to wipe-one gal uses her panties, and puts them in her purse. The other gal grabs a ribbon from a floral spray.
The next day, their husbands are comparing notes across the fence. “My wife came home without her panties!” said the one fellow. “That’s nothing,” said his neighbor. “My wife had her panties on, but between her ass cheeks was a card that read: We look forward to seeing you again. With love, all of your dear friends at the firehouse.”
Twofers: I can’t decide which of my two favorite jokes I like the most, so here they both are:
Local hospital gets a new administrator, so the medical chief of staff takes him on a tour of the place. They’re walking down a corridor, the new admin looks in the room and sees a male patient watching a porn video and jacking off. He raises a fuss; “We can’t have that activity in a hospital!” The med chief calms him and says, “Actually, we’re in our holistic wing. That man has a severe prostate problem, and we’ve found that frequent ejaculations are quite effective in shrinking the prostate. Because there’s no medication or surgery involved, the HMOs are quite happy to pay for an overnight stay so he can get his condition under control. We’ll observe him and probably send him home in the morning.”
The admin figures that makes sense, and they continue the tour. Several minutes later they pass a room where a male patient is getting oral sex from a nurse. The admin stops short. “Now just wait a minute, THAT is not to be allowed in any hospital!” The medical chief pulls him aside. “it’s actually part of our holistic program.” The administrator is still shocked. “That?!” The medical chief nods. “Yes. You remember the fellow watching porn and masturbating?” The new admin nods. “Well,” the doctor says, “same condition, better HMO.”
American fellow is touring Ireland, stops in a pub in a small town for a pint. He sits next to a grizzled old local and introduces himself. The local responds that he’s Seamus. “Seamus … what?” the American says. Seamus snorts and points out a window. “Y’see 'at stone wall?” The tourist nods. “I built ‘at wall wi’ these hands and m’ strong back, but do they call me Seamus Wallbuilder? They do not!” He sips his Guiness, then continues. “Y’see 'at bridge over the creek?” The American looks, sees, nods. “I built ‘at bridge wi’ these hands and m’ strong back, but do they call me Seamus Bridgebuilder? They do not!” Another sip. “Y’see ‘at rrroad wot runs down to th’ bridge?” Again the American nods. “I built ‘at road wi’ these hands and m’ strong back, but do they call me Seamus Roadmaker? They do not!” He takes a long pull from the pint and sits quietly for a minute, then leans close to the American. “Ah, but y’ fuck one goat …!”
What do you get when you cross a Hooker with a jar of Peanut Butter?
A piece of ass that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
The proprieter of a liquor store sees two nuns enter. They walk around, talking quietly, and eventually choose a small bottle of gin and approach the counter. As they set the bottle down on the counter, and the owner says ‘Should you ladies be buying this?’ ‘Oh no, you don’t understand, this is for the Mother Superior.’ The other nun nods. The owner just shrugs and rings them up, and the nuns leave.
A few hours later, the owner is closing up his shop for the night, and as he leaves he sees the two nuns sitting on the sidewalk outside the store, empty bottle on the ground next to them, quite drunk. ‘Sisters! You said that gin was for the Mother Superior!’. One of them turns to him and drunkenly slurs ‘Oh it ish! She’sh conshtipated, and when she shes ush, she’sh gonna shit.’
Little Johnny was starting to get curious about the birds and the bees, so he asks his dad what a vagina looks like.
“Well, son, before sex, a vagina looks like a beautiful rose, with delicate pedals, and a delicious aroma.”
Little Johnny is not quite satisfied, and a bit confused. “Well, Dad, what does it look like after sex?”
The dad thinks for a moment before replying, “Well son… ever seen a bulldog eat mayonnaise?”
What’s the difference between a baby and an apple?
You don’t jerk off on an apple before you eat it.
I think I win.
A koala goes into a bar for a drink. After a few he starts talking to a girl sitting at the end of the bar. He buys her a drink then they decide to go to her place for sex. At her place, the koala rips off her clothes and and performs the best oral sex she has ever experience, she comes multiple times. Then the koala takes off his pants, jumps on her and with a few mighty strokes, fills her full of his juices. As he is leaving, she tells the koala that he owes her $300. He asks what for and she says that she is a prostitute. The koala asks what a prostitute is and she tells him to look in a dictionary.
Prostitute: Woman that has sex for money.
The koala then asks the prostitute if she knows what he is. She says yes so he tells her to look it up in a dictionary.
Koala: Animal that eats shoots and leaves.
Are there a lot of women at her office?
Q: What’s the difference between a golf ball and a G-spot?
A: A man will spend twenty minutes looking for a golf ball.
There are lots of great jokes in this thread:
http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=451599&highlight=vacationing+penguin
A girl is set up on a blind date with a trumpet player. She goes on the date, and later reports to her best friend: The date was alright but when he kissed me it was all tight and horrible, I don’t think I’ll go out with him again.
The next night she dates a tuba player. Again she reports to her friend. She says that this time the kiss was all open mouthed and slobbery, and she wouldn’t date him again.
The next night she dates a french horn player. Her best friend asked how he kissed and the girl replied "Well, his kiss wasn’t any better than the others, but I like the way he held me!
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
cough, cough
A Catholic priest and a rabbi are having lunch together. After they order, the priest leans over to the rabbi and says, “Have you ever tried pork?” The rabbi says, “Yes. Once.”
The food arrives, and as they begin to eat, the rabbi leans over to the priest and says, “Have you ever tried sex?” The priest blushes and says, “Yes. Once.”
They eat for a moment and the rabbi leans over and says, “Hell of a lot a lot better than pork, isn’t it?”