Need a good dirty joke.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

(This was supposedly one of Drew Carrey’s favorite jokes)

A lady sees a guy sitting at the bar looking depressed. She asks what’s wrong and he explains that he just broke up with his girlfriend cause he was into kinky stuff and she was not. The lady explains how she also is into kinky stuff and maybe they should get together that night.
So they go back to her place and she excuses herself for a moment. She puts on her leather bra and panties, her studded collar, and grabs her whip. When she comes back out the guy is putting on his jacket looking like he’s ready to leave.
“What’s wrong?” she asks, “I thought you were into kinky stuff?”
He replies
“Lady, I fucked your dog and shit in your purse, I’m outta here.”

22

I don’t get it…

If it’s because he holds her curled up like a french horn and therefore kisses her clit instead of her mouth, ok, but tubas curl like that as well. What am I missing about french horns?

23

When playing the French horn, the player puts his hand in the bell. The player can adjust the tone of the instrument by changing the shape and/or position of his hand.

Try doing that with a tuba!

24

Try this one:

“So how was your date with that french horn player?”

“Not bad, but when he kissed me goodnight he tried to shove his fist up my ass.”

25

I like:

A man comes home with flowers for his wife. She says, “Great, now I have to spread my legs tonight.” He says, “What’s the matter–don’t you have a vase?”

26

How do you get your husband to scream when you’re having sex?

Call him up and tell him what you’re doing.

27

Boy, age 5 - compulsive nose picker and eater. Mother tells him: “If you go on doing that your belly will swell up like a balloon!” Later that day, boy and mother get on bus. He sees a heavily pregnant woman. “Mummy, mummy” he says (pointing) - “I know what that lady’s been doing”!

28

A guy and girl are dating, and the girl says: “I can’t go out with you anymore my friends say you are a pedophile”

The guys says “Pedophile? That’s an awfully big word for a 12-year old.”

29

That is one of the greatest jokes of all time but it is very heavily IQ dependent. Honest to God, I use it to screen people for any type of personal relationship including casual work relationships. You can easily assess some key traits of a person from that one joke. Unless the OP works in a strong intelligence dependent environment, many if not most people will not get it even though it seems painfully straightforward.

30

An old couple is sitting around one evening. The old man’s watching TV, but the old woman’s thinking how long it’s been since they’ve had sex. She goes into the bedroom, strips naked, ties a towel around her neck, and runs back out to the living room shouting “Super Pussy!” The old man looks at her a moment and then says:

“I’ll have the soup.”

31

After spending most of a millennium exploring the galaxy, the Norse god Thor returns to earth. He disguises himself in the clothes of a contemporary male mortal, and walks around for a while. Things have changed! He’s a bit sad about it, until he finds a mead hall and sits down for a drink. A while later, an attractive young mortal woman strikes up a conversation with him. They drink and talk, talk and drink, and they end up back at her place doing, well, what gods usually do to mortals (one way or another).

The hammer god is mightily pleased!

So much so that decides to give a great boon to this pretty, and quite skillful!, mortal. He decides to reveal himself to her. He say “I am Thor!”

She says, “Oh tho am I honey, but it wath fun!!”

============

A guy is coming out of the showers at a country club, and takes a wrong turn. Somehow he ends up inside the ladies’ locker room dripping wet and with only a towel. He spots the exit, throws the towel over his face, and runs for the door.

There were three women in the locker room. The first one said “Well, I took a good look at his privates, and he’s not my husband!” The second one said, “I looked too, and he’s not my husband.” The third one said, rather dreamily, “I don’t think he’s a member of this club!”

============

Why does it take ten million sperm to fertilize one egg?

Because they never ask for directions!

============

Why should you never kiss a canary full on the beak?
Because you’ll get chirpies.

It’s a canarial disease!

and the worst part is …

it’s untweetable!!

(ducking and running)

32

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.

She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had.

He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”

Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”

He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I’ll tell you what… the guy I loaned my costume to had a fantastic time!”

33

I can’t take credit for this one, but it goes something like this:

Guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator.

Guy buys a bottle of beer, says “Watch This.”

Guy prompts alligator to open mouth - alligator complies.

Guy places his genitals into open mouth of alligator - alligator then gently closes mouth.

Guy then places open bet to crowd, wagering intact genital extraction in exchange for free drinks from crowd.

Crowd accepts.

Guy raps alligator’s head with beer bottle, alligator releases genitals, intact.

Crowd cheers.

Guy makes an offer to pay anyone else $1,000 to try it.

Blonde shyly accepts challenge, but requests that Guy not hit her on the head with the bottle.

34

This guy has had migraine headaches, killer migraines, all his adult life. He’s tried just about every cure imaginable to cure them but to no avail. Even so, he’s still managed to make a lot of money. One day he was telling a friend that with all his money, he still couldn’t find a cure and how unfair life is because of that. His friend thought that perhaps the guy was ready to take the final exit. Being a good friend, he told the dude about an eccentric doctor.

“This doctor can cure anything, man! I mean anything, you name it and he can cure it. The only thing is, the cures are, well, they’re kind of odd.”

The rich man decided that he’d give the medical profession one last chance and went to the eccentric doctor. The doc went through the dude’s entire medical history to ensure all the less extreme methods that migh work had been tried. Well, they had. So the doctor told him, “The only thing that’ll work for you is castration. I know it’s an extreme cure, but it will work.”

The rich man thought about it and decided that he’d had enough years of constant migraines. Actually, it was just one migraine that had never let up. So, the doctor performed the operation.

The rich man was immediately cured! He was thrilled and gave a huge amount of money to the whacky medico and walked out of the building. The first thing he saw was a fancy men’s clothing store. He decided that being a new man, he should get himself some new clothes (I wonder if there was a half price sale notice?). He walks into the store and the tailor walks up and asks the traditional, “Are you being served?” Now, this tailor is a bit odd too, as he doesn’t have a tape measure.

The rich guy tells him to measure him for a suit jacket. The tailor just looks at him and says, “Let’s see…42 sleeve.” The rich guy exclaims, “That’s exactly right! How did you do that without a measure?” The tailor just shrugs and says, “It’s a gift, sir.”

The same thing occurs for the suit slacks and the fancy shirts. The tailor packs up the newly purchased clothing and the man notices a display of quite expensive undershorts. He says to the tailor, “How about a few pairs of those also?” The tailor says, “Very well, sir. Let’s see…36 waist, I believe.”

“You finally got one wrong!” shouted the man. “I wear 34 waist.”

“Oh, no, sir. That can’t be right. If you were to wear underwear that tight, you’d have a terrible migraine.”

35

You win.

I don’t know what you win, or in what category, but you win.

36

Two guys go out on a camping trip. They’re out for a couple of days, and they start to get a bit tired of each other’s company, so they agree to split up for a day and then meet up at a prearranged spot at the end of the day.

So they meet up at the end of the day. Guy A says: “So how was your day?”

Guy B: “It was really nice. I saw that mountain over there, so I went and hiked up it. I found a place where a stream coming down the mountain makes a little pool, and I dove into it. The water was ice-cold, and clear as crystal. I got out and lay on the moss-covered rocks by the pool, and the sun dried me off and warmed me as I slept there for a while.”

Guy A: “Wow, that does sound nice.”

Guy B: “Yeah. So how was your day?”

Guy A: “My day was nice too. I went walking off thataway, and I found some train tracks, so I started following them. I walked along for a while, and then I found a woman, tied to the tracks. I untied her, and we spent the day having sex in every position you can imagine.”

Guy B: “Damn! Sounds like your day was better than mine! So tell me, was she pretty cute?”

Guy A: “I don’t know; I couldn’t find her head.”

37

John and Henry were the best of friends for as long as anyone could remember. Nothing strange there, just regular friends. They lived in a small town surrounded by forest. The town only had one doctor and no hospital or any other medical types.

One Saturday, John and Henry decided to go hiking in the woods. They’d made it about ten miles outside of town when John had to take a whizz. He walked over to a nearby tree and commenced watering it. At that moment, a rattlesnake bit him right on his member. John was shocked but he knew that survival depended in part on not moving more than needed. He asked Henry to run back to town to get the doctor.

Henry ran like lightening. He got to the doctor’s office in record time. There was a problem, though. The doctor was just starting on another emergency operation. When Henry told him what happened, the doctor told Henry that John’s life was in his hands. “Henry, rush back to your friend. Take this scalpel and cut a small x where the snake bit him. Suck out the blood and venom but make sure you spit it all out. Whatever you do, don’t swallow any of it. Just make sure you keep doing that. I’ll drive over there as soon as I finish this operation. Now, run!”

Henry again ran like lightening, covering the distance in, yet again, record time. John was still alive and had enough energy to ask, “Henry, I don’t see the doctor with you! What did he say?”

Henry looked at John and said, “John, the doctor said you’re going to die.”

38

How do you get your wife to scream after sex?

Wipe your dick on the curtains.

Eternal damnation, probably. :smack:

39

Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver’s License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.

Q: What do airplanes and blondes have in common?
A: They both have a black box.

Q: How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: She kept having affairs with men!

Q: Why did the blonde have a big belly button?
A: Her boyfriend was blonde too.

Q: Why did it take the blonde three tries to get pregnant?
A: She blew the first two.

Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A: Grade 4.

Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she’s pregnant.
Q: What will she ask you?
A: Is it mine?

Q: How does a blonde get pregnant?
A: Wow, and I thought blondes were dumb!

Q: What’s the definition of a metallurgist?
A: A man who can tell if a platinum blonde is a virgin metal or a common ore.

Q: What is the best secretary in the world to have?
A: One that never misses a period.
Q: Did you hear about the new slogan for Miss Clairol’s Hair Dye?
A: Buy a double batch and get a snatch to match.

Q: Why wouldn’t the blonde drink beer at the beach?
A: She didn’t want to get sand in her Busch.

Q: What’s the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde?
A: The prostitute says, “Aren’t you done yet?”
The nympho says, “Are you done already?”
The blonde says, “Beige… I think I’ll paint the ceiling beige.”

Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde whose boyfriend said he loved her?
A: She believed him.

Q: How can you tell when the blonde has had a bad day?
A: She has a tampon behind her ear and she can’t find her pen.

Q: What do you call a blonde with both ESP and PMS?
A: A know-it-all bitch.

Q: Why did the blonde take two hits of acid?
A: She wanted to go on a round trip.

Q: Why did the blonde snort Nutra-Sweet?
A: She thought it was Diet Coke.

40

Q: How many dumbe blonde jokes are there?
A: None. They’re all true.