A postman is about to retire. Since he’s been on the same route forever, he decides to leave a few thank you notes to his customers. On his last day, just as he approaches a door a scantily clad women opens it, doesn’t say a word, takes him by the hand, leads him upstairs and balls his brains out. After, she hops out of bed and comes back with a nice lunch, still hasn’t spoken. On his way out, at the door, she hands him five dollars. Overcome with curiosity he says ‘‘don’t get me wrong, this was great, but what gives?’’ Her reply? ‘‘well, I told my husband about your retirement and asked if we should do something, he said ‘fuck him, give him five bucks.’ But the lunch was my idea.’’
There are lots of good ones so far. Here is my addition.
A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry.
When it comes back there are still stains in her panties. So the next week she encloses a note to the Chinese man that says, “USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!”
This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry. “USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!”
Finally fed up the Chinese man responded with his own note that said, “USE MORE PAPER ON REAR END!!!”
Cheers
A giraffe walks into a bar and says “The highballs are on me”
There’s also the classic:
What’s the difference between a Ford Mustang and 20 dead babies?
I don’t have a Mustang in my garage.
I think I’ve told this one here before, but here you go:
In 1st grade class, the teacher was going through the alphabet and having kids spell words that begin with each letter…
Teacher: OK, class, who can spell a word that begins with “A”?
Mary: I can! Apple…A-P-P-L-E…
Teacher: Very good, Mary…OK, who can spell a word that begins with “B”?
Eddie: I can! Banana B-A-N-A-N-A…
…and so on…until the teacher reaches “W”…
Teacher: OK, who can spell a word that begins with “W”?
Johnny: I can! Womb…W-O-M-B…
Teacher: Very good, Johnny…that’s where babies come from, right?
Johnny: No, it’s the sound of two elephants fucking…WOMB! WOMB! WOMB!..
Mouse and Elephant are having an after-work beer at the local watering hole, and in walks Giraffe, all slinky neck and long legs. Mouse says to Elephant, “Y’know, I believe I’m gonna’ get me some of that!” Elephant laughs, “Man, she is way out of your league. Have another beer!” Mouse is not to be denied, however, hops down from the bar stool and strolls over. He and Giraffe chat for awhile, have a drink together and then leave together.
Next morning, Elephant’s already at work when Mouse shows up, looking like hell. “What happened last night?” Elephant asks.
“Oh, man, I am exhausted!” Mouse moans.
“Wow! How many times did you have sex!?”
“Just once. But she was really demanding. I mean constantly, ‘Kiss me, fuck me, kiss me, fuck me.’ I about ran my legs off!”
After that exercise was over, the teacher again went through the alphabet, this time having the kids to come up with a word for each letter.
She wasn’t going to call on Johnny for A, so she called on Sally. “Aunt,” Sally said.
She wasn’t going to call on him for B, so little Fred says, “Balloon.”
She wasn’t going to call on him for C, D, and certainly not for F. She went through the alphabet until she got to R. Not thinking of any curse words that started with R, she called on Johnny.
“Rat,” said Johnny.
“Good job, Johnny!” said the teacher.
“A big fucking rat, with a dick this long!” holding up his hands about a foot apart
Two more:
- Two guys are playing golf. The first guy tees up; shanks his drive, hitting his partner in the head and killing him instantly. Several days later, the first guy receives a call from the Coroner:
“I’m sorry about your friend’s tragic demise, but something came up during the autopsy that I need to ask you about. We found a Titleist lodged halfway up his rectum.”
“Oh, that? That was my Mulligan!”
- A little old lady walks into an Adult Bookstore, and approaches the clerk. “Duh-duh-duh-duh-do you-you-you-you huh-huh-huh-have th-th-th-those vuh-vuh-vuh-vibrating di-di-di-dildoes?”
“Why, yes Ma’am, we do. Do you have a question?”
“Huh-huh-huh-how duh-duh-duh-do you-you-you-you-tuh-tuh-tuh-turn th-th-th-them off?”
The mouse and the elephant are preparing for the Super Bowl. The mouse is a Giants fan, and the elephant backs the Patriots. They decide on a bet. The elephant suggests ten bucks, but the mouse is so sure, he says, “Whoever wins - gets to fuck the other one in the ass.”
“You sure?” asks the elephant. “Hell yes!” says the mouse. So they bet.
Sure enough, the Giants pull it off. The mouse is screaming, jumping around, shaking his fist. The elephant just rolls his eyes and turns around.
The mouse starts to stick it in. A cocoanut falls from a nearby tree and hits the elephant in the head.
“Ouch!” says the elephant.
The mouse screams, “TAKE IT ALL, BITCH!”
Regards,
Shodan
Two guys are out golfing behind two women, who are holding up their progress. The first guy tells his buddy to go ask if they can play through. He gets to the top of the hill, and comes back. “I can’t go talk to those women! One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress. You go ask them.” So the other guy gets to the top of the hill, and reports back, “Small world!”