Three men are sitting in a bar talking about what they will give their wives for their upcoming anniversaries.
The first man says, “This is my first anniversary. I’m giving my wife a new car and a tennis bracelet. That way if she doesn’t like the car she will at least like the tennis bracelet.”
The second man says, " This is my 5th anniversary. I’m giving my wife earrings and a dozen roses. That way if she doesn’t like the earrings she’ll at least have the roses."
The third man says, “I’ve been married for 20 years. I’m giving my wife a T-shirt and a dildo. That way if she doesn’t like the T-shirt, she can go fuck herself!”
A guy and (oh… I’m gonna go with Scarlet Johansson for this one) Scarlet Johannson are the only two survivors of a plane crash in the Pacific and wash up together on a deserted island.
They get along OK, but the guy is somewhat intimidated and keeps his distance and is polite for the first few weeks… but then he starts to get a bit horny. So he approaches Scarlet. To his surprise and delight, she’s feeling the same way! They begin boinking at every opportunity.
This goes on nicely for a few days.
One day the guy approaches Scarlet and says, “This is gonna sound strange, but can I ask you a favor?”
“Sure!” Scarlet says.
“Can I borrow your mascara?”
“Ok…” she digs it out of her purse and hands it to him.
“Can I draw a mustache and beard on you?”
“Uh… I guess…”
He does.
“Um, I need you to look like a man. Will you put on my clothes?”
At this point Scarlet is starting to get a bit upset, seeing where this is going, but says “All right.”
She puts on his clothes.
“Now, can I call you Steve?”
Scarlet, near tears now, sniffs and says “OK”
The guy grabs her shoulder and says “Steve, Holy Christ! You won’t BELIEVE who I’m fucking!!”
The 89 year old rapist was charged with assault with a dead weapon.
Well the OP does say no joke is too dirty. Honestly I thought kennerthegreat and toofs had the funniest jokes in the thread. I’m not trying to jump down your throat for being offended or anything but there is a thread for clean jokes. Sometimes jokes are funny because they’re so inappropriate.
Literally LOL.
Why is it always a good idea to wrap your hamsters in electric tape?
So they don’t explode when you fuck 'em.
How did the prostitute become a millionaire?
She charged a dollar a head at the Million Men March.
I feel terrible for laughing my ass off at this. 
A man walks into the doctor’s office with a piece of lettuce sticking out of his ass.
“That’s nasty,” says the doctor.
“You think that’s nasty?” asked the man, “that’s just the tip of the iceberg.”
A man runs into his house shouting, “Pack your bags, honey! I just hit the lottery!”
She shouts back, “That’s wonderful, dear! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?”
He replies, “I don’t care! Just get the fuck out!”
Finally, an oldie but goodie:
A man walks into his house with a sheep tucked under his arm.
“Honey,” he says, “I want you to meet the pig I’ve been fucking.”
His wife snaps, “That’s not a pig, you moron, that’s a sheep!”
“I wasn’t talking to you.”
A woman walks into a bank with a wheelbarrow full of quarters. A teller asks her “Hey, did you hoard all of these quarters yourself?” The woman replies “No, my sister hoard half of them.”
Alternate punchline: "So the doctor says “You’re not eating right.”
Guy goes on a blind date. When he arrives, he finds the girl is quite pretty but has both legs amputated and is in a wheelchair. He decides to be gallant and take her out anyway. They go to dinner and a movie and have drinks afterwards, and he discovers that he really likes her; she’s brilliant, well-educated and can talk about nearly anything and that they have many things in common.
On the way home, he’s working up enough nerve to ask her out again when she asks, “I really enjoyed tonight. Would you like to have sex with me?” He is astounded for a moment, then asks, “How would that be possible?”
“Let’s go to the park. You can wheel me down the walking trail until we find a tree with a branch hanging over the trail at the right height. You can undress me and I’ll hold onto the branch while you screw me.”
They do exactly as she suggests and it’s the best sex of his life. When they are done, he redresses her and takes her back home. After they say good night, he’s walking back to his car when her father comes out of the house and says, “Wait a minute, young man. I need to know - did you have sex with my daughter tonight?”
The young man gulps and says, “Yes, sir. I did.”
The dad shakes his hand and says, “Thank you for being such a gentleman. Every other guy has gone off and left her hanging on that damn tree limb.”
A little Irish lad is walking down the road crying his eyes out so his neighbour from next door walks over and asks whats the matter.
“Its me mam! she’s dead!”
"Oh you poor lad do you want me to go and get Father O’Connor? "
“No !no ! sex is the last thing I need right now!”
Similar to Clothahump’s.
Young man shows up for a blind date only to discover she’s a quadriplegic.
He decides to go through with it and after getting her in the car, he asks her what she would like to do. She says she has never been to a restaurant and would like to try. He agrees and even cuts her food and feeds her.
After they leave she says she has never been to a movie. They find a local theater, he helps her drink and feeds her popcorn. After that, she asks him to drive to a nearby lake. When they arrive, she says she has never been kissed. He obliges and the make out for a while. She finally says she has never been fucked.
He lifts her into his arms, walks down to the lake and throws her in.
“Now, you’re fucked”
Three hungover guys are commiserating about the wild party they attended. The first guy says, “I got so drunk, I went home and blew chunks all night long.”
Second guy says, “That’s nothing! I got so drunk I blacked out and woke up in some ugly chick’s bed.”
Third guy says, “Oh, please. I got so drunk, I took a woman home and was fucking her when my wife walked in!”
Second guy says, “Oh, shit, you win. That’s terrible!”
First guy says, “Guys, you don’t understand, Chunks is my dog!”
bada bing!
Scientists have discovered a food that will eliminate a womans sex drive. It’s called wedding cake.
A man gets on an elevator. The only other passenger is a woman. A minute after the doors close the man says “Can I smell your cunt?” The woman says "Of course not!’ The guy says “Hmm, Must be your feet then.”
A woman wakes her husband up one morning. “Honey, I just had the strangest dream,” she says. “I was at an auction for penises. The really big ones sold for $1000 and the small ones sold for $10.”
The husband says, “What about one like mine?”
The wife says, “There were no bids.”
The man stews on this for the rest of the day. The next morning, he wakes up his wife and says “I just had a dream kind of like yours. I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight ones sold for $1000 and the loose ones sold for $10.”
The wife says, “What about one like mine?”
The husband says, “That’s where they held the auction.”
A man and his wife were trying to smuggle their pet skunk through airport security. The man’s idea was to have the wife stick the skunk down her pants. She asked “What about the smell?” The man replied “It can hold its breath for a few minutes.”
A drunken guest at a party approaches the host and asks, “Do you have green toilet paper that says, ‘Fuck you’?” The host replies, “No. Of course not.” The drunk then respnds, “Whoops! I think I just wiped my ass with your parrot.”
>>>>>>>>>>>>
A man is riding alone in an elevator when it stops and a pretty woman gets on. She pushes the button for her destination and the doors close. She then looks at the man and says, “Excuse me, can I smell your balls?” The man, taken aback, says, “No.” The woman then says, “Oh, I guess it must be your feet, then.”
>>>>>>>>>>>>
A 40 year old man and 10 year old boy are walking into dense woods at dusk. The boy says, “Gee Mister, I’m scared.” The man responds, “You’re scared. I’m the one who’s going to be walking out of these woods all alone.”
>>>>>>>>>>>>
A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
“Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.”
The lady can’t take this any more, “You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,” she retorted indignantly. "In this country. we don’t speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.
“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man.
“Who talkin’ abouta sex? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spell ‘Mississippi’.”
I’d just like to say, with a certain level of pride, that on a weekend vacation with a bunch of friends in high school, I pulled this joke off with me as the ‘young man’ and such a straight face that, until the punchline, the guys thought I was telling the absolute truth.