What’s the smartest thing that ever came out of a woman’s mouth?
Einstein’s cock.
An attractive woman comes storming into the HR office, mad as hell.
“I want you to fire that twerp Johnson in Accounting, or I’ll be suing your ass to Kingdom Come!”
The HR Director tries to calm her down. “Woah, woah, woah. Before we fire anyone, why don’t you tell me what happened?”
“I went down to his department to drop off some paperwork, and he told me my hair smells nice,” she screamed.
“Well, what’s wrong with that?”
“He’s a fucking midget!”
Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room at the vet’s when they strike up a conversation. The black Lab turns to the chocolate Lab and says, “So why are you here?” The Chocolate Lab replies,
“I’m a pisser. I piss on everything…the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner’s bed.”
The black Lab says, “So what is the vet going to do?”
“Gonna cut my nuts off,” comes the reply from the chocolate Lab. “They reckon it’ll calm me down.”
The black Lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks, “Why are you here?” The yellow Lab says, “I’m a digger I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I’m inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners couch.”
“So what are they going to do to you?” the black Lab inquires.
"Looks like I’m losing my nuts too, the dejected yellow Lab says.
The yellow Lab then turns to the black Lab and asks, “Why are you here?” “I’m a humper,” the black Lab says. “I’ll hump anything. I’ll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes. I just couldn’t help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away”
The yellow and chocolate Labs exchange a sad glance and the yellow lab says, “So, nuts off for you too, huh?”
The black Lab says …“No, I’m here to get my nails clipped.”
Know how to tell if you have a decent sperm count?
Your partner has to chew before swallowing.
I had to Wiki that first before I even got it!
And aren’t you glad you did?
Yes…but I felt dirty afterwards.
I’d like a “for dummies” version of the auction joke. I keep reading it, and I don’t get it.
The auction joke for dummies.
Wife tells husband that she dreamed of an auction for penises. Big ones a grand, small ones $10. Husband’s got no bids inferring that his is so small nobody bid on it.
Husband tells wife about Vagina auction dream. Really tight ones a grand, loose ones $10. Punch line is that her’s is so big that they held the auction inside her vagina.
There is a very wealthy old man who made his fortune on butchering. He is known for his sausages, especially. One day, he takes his very snotty, very entitled son to the plant to show him around before he dies. He wants to explain everything to his son before his son takes over the company upon his death.
He shows his son fancy machine after fancy machine and his son is unimpressed. Finally, they get to the last machine, the father’s pride and joy.
“Son, with this machine, you can throw a whole pig into it and on the other end, you come out with a perfect sausage!”
The son, in his usual unimpressed manner, replies, “Well, Father, is there a machine where you can put a sausage in and get out a whole pig?”
The father looks him in the eyes and says “Yeah. Your mother.”
What is the biggest difference between a job and a wife?
After a week, the job still sucks…
A kindergarten teacher decided to make the class ‘daily lesson’ about relating colors to flavors. The teacher brought in rolls of Lifesavers candies to help illustrate the lesson…
The first kid was given a red piece and popped into their mouth, tasted it for a few seconds and quickly said “Red is like cherry!”. Teacher was pleased and gave the kid some more candy.
Second kid was given a bright-green piece - and with a quick tasting called out “Green is for limes!”. Everyone smiled as that kid got his prize for being correct. All the kids were thrilled at getting candy for such easy tasks, of course. Teacher was convinced that the Lifesavers idea was simply brilliant! So, onward with the lesson…
Third kid was given a tan colored piece (honey flavor, per se), and even after a minute or two of tasting it, kid was perplexed. The answer was literally on the tip of the tongue. Teacher thought a hint might be in order, so kid was told that the name of the flavor was something that Mommy would call Daddy at home…
Little Johnny jumped up from back of classroom and screamed “AUGH - quick,spit it out - its an ASSHOLE!!!”
What’s the smallest pub in the world?
The Thalidomide Arms
And my current favourite one-liner…“I’ve got four weeks off work, I can’t decide whether to get ripped or grow my cock.”
'nuther favourite…"I got jumped by four guys on the way home last night - they knocked me to the ground and started kicking me. Somehow, though, I managed to pull it together and knock one out…
…it probably wasn’t the most appropriate time to masturbate, but it seemed to scare them away!
I don’t get it.
It’s a good one because guys tend to laugh at it, and then realise they’ve admitted to looking at quite a bit of internet pornography. If you dont, then you probably won’t get the reference to those sort of pop-up ads.
pretend my name is witty
OK, I’ll pretend. 
I’m such a child. These were the jokes that made me laugh the most in this thread.
Okay, this is some close competition.
Heh. I saw that and thought maybe the choice was between getting drunk and wanking a lot during his time off. I never thought of the kinds of ads they show on pron sites.
Did you guys get hold of that Y2K Jelly they brought out for the millennium?
It allows you to insert four digits into your date.
Two guys outside a whore house. One says: “They’ve got all kinds of diseases and they’ll rob us of all our money.” “Shut up”, says the other one, “they’ll never let us in if they hear you saying that.”
variation: How does a hilbilly mom know when her daugter is on her period…
Another variation on the same (banjo) theme :
Hillbilly sister to her brother : “You know, you fuck better than daddy”
Brother : “I know, mama told me”