I’m missing this one. I know what thalidomide is, but I don’t get the connection to a pub.
A girl goes to borrow her father’s car. He says she can have it if she sucks him off. She reluctantly agrees, but immediately after starting yells, “Ew, your dick tastes like shit!”
Dad says, “I know, your brother borrowed the car earlier today.”
A farmer from the outback and a few of his mates are in the local pub celebrating his recent Lotto win.
“I’ve put some money aside for the kids, bought a new car, and now I’m organising a big European holiday” he announced to his friends.
“So, which route are you taking?” one of them asked.
“Probably the wife… she did stick with me through the drought, after all.”
Thank you! 
There are many pubs named “The XXX Arms” (The Windsor Arms/The Stuart Arms, ect etc). It’s a reference to heraldry, I think.
An old one that needs much more embellishing and lengthening than I mean to do here, but here’s the basics:
After 40 years as a gynecologist, John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love, auto mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard.
The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted.
The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his professor after class. “I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?”
The professor replied, “I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the muffler.”
I suspect there’s some sort of Australian pronunciation or slang or something to this one.
Yes, a “coat of arms” is the heraldic device on the shield of a noble family, and many pubs have, say, “The King’s Arms” as their sign and hence their name.
Well, “route” in Anglo-Aussie is pronounced to rhyme with “root”, and the latter is Australian slang for “fuck”, so you can probably work it out from there.
I don’t get it, unless the joke is that notwithstanding the downsides the guy is still desperate to go in. Or is the joke that catching VD and losing all your money is simply par for the course at a whore house?
Yes.
There’s a whorehouse on top of a hill. You can see a guy going up the hill, a guy coming down the hill, and a guy in the whorehouse. What are their nationalities?
The guy going up the hill is Russian.
The guy coming down the hill is Finnish.
The guy inside the whorehouse? Himalayan.
On his wedding day, the groom confides in his best man that he’s still a virgin and the bride is considerably more experienced. Best man says, “Don’t worry man, I’ll take the room next door to you, and if it sounds like things aren’t going well I’ll yell you some pointers.” Groom thinks this is a great idea.
So after the wedding the groom and bride retreat to their bridal suite and the groom heads to the bathroom while his new wife is going to put on a “special something.” Unfortunatly, the wife realizes she has to use the facilities, but feels like, even as spouses, she’s still a bit modest to do her business in front of her new husband. Unfortunately all she can find is her shoe box under the bed, so she makes due.
Eventually the groom emerges and sees his wife in her lace teddy and the newlyweds get down to business. The best man is listening through the wall…sounds like things are going reasonably well. The husband realizes something is afowl and opens the box…
“HONEY?!?!? THERE’S SHIT IN THIS BOX!!!”
Best man furiously pounds on the wall…"TURN HER OVER!!! TURN HER OVER!!!"
A man is having sex with a woman and she asks him to go down on her. He gets down there and says “wow you sure have a big pussy,a big pussy” She replies “you dont have to repeat yourself” He says “I didnt, I didnt”