A naked woman in a Pope hat, a Doper mod and an Ed Zotti cartoon walk into a bar…
An man takes his wife to the doctor, not knowing what’s wrong with her. The doctor takes the wife back and examines her, puts her through a battery of tests, and then after an hour or two the doctors comes back out to talk to the husband.
“Sir, I’m afraid your wife is gravely ill, but we can’t quite pin down the diagnosis.”
“Well, what could it be?”
“Sir, your wife either has Alzheimer’s or AIDS.”
“Oh, my god! What should I do.”
“I’d suggest taking her for a long drive out in the country, and then kicking her out of the car.”
“That’s a little extreme. What will that solve?”
“Nothing. But if she finds her way back home … don’t fuck her.”
There was a young fellow engaged to be married. He and his betrothed were both virgins, and he was worried that his unusually small tool would not satisfy her, so he consulted many physicians on how to increase the length and girth of his manhood. None could help him, until he found a doctor from the Congo who said he could do a radical surgery wherein the trunk of a baby elephant was transplanted onto the man’s penis, guaranteeing his bride a lifetime of pleasure.
Some weeks after the surgery, the young man was looking forward to meeting his fiancée’s parents for the first time. At the restaurant, he was witty and charming, and he was certain he had impressed his future in-laws, when suddenly, the elephant trunk snaked up over the edge of the table, nabbed a baked potato, and disappeared from whence it came.
The father of the bride look stunned, then slowly said, “Son, I believe I would like to see that again.” The groom-to-be gulped, and with a pained expression, said, “Sir, so would I, but I don’t think there’s room in my ass for another potato.”
“If you think life is bad now, how would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once. You get eaten once. It takes four minutes to get hard, and only two minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys, but worst of all, the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mom! So cheer up, your life isn’t that bad!”
Q: Why do dogs lick their balls?
A: Because they can and they know you’re watching.
Human: Hey elf, you look like a girl.
Elf: To a human, everything must look like a girl.
Human: What?
Elf: Half-orcs, half-ogres…
Human: … shut up.
Dwarf: Half-dragons, half-kobolds.
Human: I said shut up!
Elf: …
Dwarf: …
Human: …
Elf: Centaurs.
A naive young woman from a very uptight, provincial and prudish family is set to be married to a foreign man. Shortly before the marriage her mother takes her aside and says “We know what his people are like. Sooner or later your foreign husband will want you to do something…perverse. If he asks you to do anything…different, just look him in the eye and tell him no.” They married, and some months later he did indeed ask her to do something different, and just as her mother had told her to do she looked him in the eye and said “No! I’m not supposed to do that!”
And her husband said “But honey, don’t you want to have children?”
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, “Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball - don’t knock out any windows. It’ll cost us a fortune to fix.” The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, “I told you to watch out for the houses. all right, let’s go up there, apologise and see how much this is going to cost.”
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, “Come on in.” They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, “Are you the people that broke my window?”
“Uh, yeah. Sorry about that,” the husband replied.
“No, actually I want to thank you. I’m a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You’ve released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes – I’ll give you each one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself.”
“OK, great!” the husband said. “I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.” “No problem-it’s the least I could do. And you, what do you want?” the genie said, looking at the wife. “I want a house in every country of the world,” she said.
“Consider it done,” the genie replied.
“And what’s your wish, genie?” the husband said.
“Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.”
The husband looks at the wife and said, “Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don’t care.” The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.
After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, “How old is your husband, anyway?”
“35,” she replied.
“And he still believes in genies? That’s amazing!”
Pierre the Famous French Pilot was entertaining his lady love one evening, they were enjoying a leisurely dinner together.
“Kiss me Pierre” she purred.
Pierre dipped his fingers in red wine, touched them to her lips, and then kissed her passionately.
“Oh Pierre!”
“I am Pierre ze Famous French Pilot, and when I have ze red meat, I have ze red wine.”
A little while and less clothing later, the lady shows Pierre her impressive expanse of decolletage.
“Kiss me Pierre”
Pierre takes bottle of white wine and dribbles on her, and then kisses her exposed cleavage.
“Ohhhh Pierre!”
“I am Pierre ze Famous French Pilot, and when I have ze white meat, I have ze white wine.”
A little while and lot less clothing later, the lady lifts her last undergarment.
“Kiss me now Pierre.”
Pierre grabs a bottle of congac and empties in her lap. Then he lights a matches and tosses it in, igniting the alcohol.
“PIERRE WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!”
“I am Pierre ze famous French Pilot and when I go down I go down in flames.”
Bob and Sue just got married and tonight is the big night.
Slowly they start to undress.
Bob removes his shoes and socks and Sue looks over and sees his malformed feet with twisted toes.
OMG, what happened to your feet!
Bob explains that when he was a child he had caught tolio and it left his feet weak and mishapened.
Sue said, “TOLIO, I’ve never head of that are you sure you don’t mean polio?”
Bob said, “No it affected my toes, I had tolio”.
They continue to undress and Sue looks over and there are red spots all over Bobs knees.
OMG! Bob, what happened to your knees?.
Bob explained that when he was child he had had neasles.
Sue said, “I’ve never heard of neasles, you must mean measles.”
Bob said, “No, it affected my knees, I had neasles”.
Finally they are totally undress and Sue looks over at Bob and says
Wait, don’t tell me
when you were a child you had
Small Cocks!
It’s Bob the Mailman’s last day on delivery. He’s always been friendly and reliable and is well liked, so many of the people on his route give him parting gifts to show their appreciation.
He goes to the Smiths house, and Mrs. Smith gives him a nice watch.
He goes to the Brown’s house and Mrs. Brown gives him a box of cigars.
He goes to the Jones house and Mrs. Jones takes him upstairs, pulls off his clothes and gives him the best sex he’s had since his wife passed.
After it’s over he he’s getting dressed and heading out the door when Mrs. Jones stops him and says “I almost forgot, this is for you too,” and she gives him a dollar.
“I don’t understand” says Bob. “What’s this for?”
"Well when I asked my husband what we should do for your last day he said “Fuck him. Give him a dollar.”
Why does life suck when you’re a penis?
You live with two nuts, your neighbor’s an asshole, your best friend’s a pussy, and every time you get excited you throw up.
A couple hook up at a nightclub, go around the back for a knee trembler.
Dude: If I’d realised you were a virgin I would have taken more time
Woman: If I’d known we had more time I’d have taken my tights off.
Q. How many midgets does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two.
Four nuns are waiting to take confession.
The first nun goes into the booth, says “Forgive me Father for I have sinned, I have seen a man’s penis.”
The priest says, “Wash your eyes with some of the holy water in the font, say two Hail Marys, and you’ll be forgiven.”
The second nun goes into the booth, says “Forgive me Father for I have sinned, I have touched a man’s penis.”
The priest says, “Wash your hands with some of the holy water in the font, say two Hail Marys, and you’ll be forgiven.”
As she’s leaving the booth, the fourth nun cuts in front of the third nun, points at her, and says, “Please, Father, can I gargle some of that holy water before she sits in it?”
A Frenchman, an Italian, and a Texan were shooting the shit.
The Italian says “When I make love to my wife I nibble on her earlobes. It drives her wild with the amore”
The Frenchman says “When I make love to my wife I blow gently in her ears, the run my tongue up the side of her neck. She goes mad with le passion”
The Texan says “When I’m done doing my wife I wipe my dick on the drapes. Drives her fuckin’ nuts’”
Three newlywed couples arrive at the honeymoon hotel one evening, and while the husbands are having a final drink in the bar they agree to tell each other the next morning what their performance was like. They realize this will have to be handled carefully so as not to offend their wives, so they agree on a secret code: however many sugar cubes they put in their coffee the next morning, that is how many times they Did It on their wedding night.
So the following morning the three couples all arrive for breakfast and one of the husbands calls for coffee. Unhurriedly, he helps himself to three cubes of sugar and drops them one by one in his coffee. The second husband also helps himself to three cubes of sugar and then, after a significant pause, also helps himself to a cube of brown sugar.
…And the third husband, with a disgruntled expression, picks up his spoon and pushes it into the raspberry jam.
Jim goes to the eye doctor for an eye exam. The doctor says, “Jim, you have to stop masturbating so much.”
Jim says, “Why, doc? Is it affecting my vision?”
The doc says, “No, I’m getting complaints from the patients in the waiting room.”
A subtle one:
How do you get Siamese twins off the couch?
Just jerk one off and the other one will come.
Farmer Bob and Farmer John were longtime friends and neighbors, so when Bob’s son started dating John’s daughter, there were no objections.
One winter day however, John went to Bob’s house banging on the door, and mad as hell. “What’s the matter, John?” Bob asked.
“I don’t want your son anywhere near my house or my daughter ever again! I forbid her to see him ever!” said John.
“Well John,” replies Bob, “what could he have done to make you so mad?”
John says “When I came out this morning, my daughter’s name was written in the snow by my steps. IN PEE!”
Bob chuckled a bit, and said “Don’t you remember when we were kids, we’d do the same thing? What’s the big deal?”
And Farmer John replies… “Because it’s in my daughter’s handwriting!”
Why did the blonde go to church?
:holds out arms:
Because she heard Jesus was hung like “this”.
Nature Girl sees a Marine General at a fancy dress ball and says to him; “Yer so uptight! I can’t stand how stiff and unnatural you look. When was the last time you had sex?”
The General looks at her and says,“1955 Ma’m.”
“My God!” says Nature Girl,“Thats a long time ago!”
The General says, “Really? It’s 2115 now but if you’re game I am!”
Three ducks walk into a bar and take a seat.
Bartender says, "what’re your names and how was your day?
First duck says "I’m Huey. It was a great day and I was in and out of puddles all day!
Second duck says "I’m Louey. It was a great day and I was in and out of puddles all day!
Bartender looks at the third duck and says, “I suppose you’re Dewey?”
Third duck says, “No, I’m Puddles!”
Crude …
Broccoli is like anal sex. If you are forced to have it as a child, you probably won’t like it as an adult.