I’m afraid I do not get this one. Could some kind soul explain it to me?
A man enters the confessional booth and the priest hears his confession:
“Father, I recently started a job as a milkman, and everywhere on my route horny housewives invite me in to have sex with them. I’ve had sex with thirty different women in just the past three weeks”
“And you call yourself a good Catholic?”
“No Father, I’m Presbyterian, but I had to tell someone…”
Menstruation reference.
He tried having sex with her but her period spoiled things
Heh, I got a warning for pulling a variety of that gag on the board.It was worth it.
This joke and its variants are probably my favorite classically-told joke these days.
What is the difference between. A corned beef special & a BJ?
What are you doing for lunch tomorrow?
A shorter relative of that joke:
The good: your man was so turned on by your new dress that he just had to have you, right then and there.
The bad: he broke some of the plates when he swept the table clear to lay you across it.
The ugly: your parents hadn’t finished eating yet.
Tell me,” asked an American of three Frenchmen, “what is sang froid? I know it means cold blood literally, but what are its connotations?”
“That,” said Andre, “is best answered with an example. Imagine, my friend, that you are away on a business trip, but have come back unexpectedly soon, and find your wife in bed with your best friend. You do not wish to get emotional, to heat your blood. Instead you stay cool. If, like a true Parisian, you can smile, wave cheerily, and say ‘Pardon the intrusion,’ you, my friend, have sang froid.”
“Nonsense,” scoffed Jaques, “that is merely tact. If, on finding your wife in bed with your best friend, you say, ‘Pardon the intrusion; please continue,’ then, my friend, you have sang froid.”
“Bah,” sneered Pierre, “that is ordinary politeness. Let me explain sang froid. Let us return to the same situation. If, after you have said, ‘Pardon the intrusion; please continue,’ the gentleman in bed can indeed continue, then he has sang froid.”
Ole is taking Lena out on a date. He gets home, goes upstairs where Lena is standing in the middle of the bedroom naked.
“Lena, why are you standing in the middle of the room naked?” asks Ole.
“Ohh Ole, I have absolutely nothing to wear!”
Ole walks over to Lena’s closet and opens it.
“Lena! What do you mean you have nothing to wear? Here’s your white dress, here’s your black dress, Hello Sven, here’s your orange dress…”
A nun told me this one:
A novice was walking back to the convent one evening with the Mother Superior, when they were jumped by two men who dragged them into the bushes and began ravishing them. “Forgive them, my child”, said Mother Superior, “for they know not what they are doing.” The novice replied “I think this one does.”
A Woman brings her Great Dane to the vet and says, “He’s always trying to hump me.”
The vet says, “Well, I can castrate him, but he’s a valuable purebred, so you might want to decide if you want puppies or not.”
The woman says, “Oh, nothing like that. I just want you to trim his nails and give him some kind of breath freshener.”
Sally and Jack work together. One day the boss calls Sally into his office. He says, “Sally, our business is doing very poorly and I just got a memo about it from the regional headquarters. I’m afraid I’m going to have to either lay you or Jack off.” Sally says, “You better jack off. I have a terrible headache.”
A sailor is in the divorce court, suing on the grounds of his wife’s infidelity. When he is called upon to testify, he shuffles his feet and says “Sorry, yer Honour, I ain’t never 'ad to speak in court before and I don’t rightly know what to say”. The kindly judge says, “Mr Higgins, the court accepts that you mean to be as proper as you can - just tell us what happened as if you were talking to a shipmate”. So the sailor says:
“Right, so what f****** 'appens is, I f****** well come 'ome after six f****** months in the f****** South Atlantic, and when I get in the f****** 'ouse I 'ear this funny f****** noise upstairs, so I go up the f****** stairs and look in the f****** bedroom, and what do I f****** well see? My f****** wife and this fr in the f** bed, ‘avin’ sexual intercourse!”
A man has a girlfriend named Wendy who he’s crazy about. “Wendy,” he says, “I’d do anything for you, just name it.” Wendy says, “I’d like to go to Jamaica, since I’ve never been there, and I’d like you to tattoo my name on your penis.”
He says, “Jamaica is no problem; I have plenty saved. I’ll have to think about the second one.”
He thinks about it and realizes that she’s really the girl for him and he really would do anything for her. He gets the tattoo done, but doesn’t tell her. In this world, you get the tattoo when you’re tumescent, so when he’s more relaxed, all you see is “Wy”.
They go to Jamaica and he tells her what he’s done. She’s so excited and wants to go back to their room to see it right away. “Sounds good to me, but first I have to take a leak,” says he.
While in the bathroom, he glances at the gentleman on his right, a big Jamaican guy, and notices a “Wy” on his penis. That’s weird, he thinks – maybe she has been to Jamaica…
So, he asks the guy right out – “Sir, I didn’t mean to look, but I couldn’t help noticing you have a “Wy” tattooed on your penis. By any chance, do you have a girlfriend named Wendy?”
The Jamaican gentleman says:
“No, no, mon. It says ‘Welcome to Jamaica and have a nice day.’”
This works better verbally, where you can pause for a beat between “in the f****** bed” and “‘avin’ sexual intercourse!”
Mary, Nancy, Paula and Robin were sitting around one day talking about their boyfriends.
By coincidence all their men were named Leroy.
They decided they would have to come up with some nicknames for their men so they could tell them apart and so they would name them after soft drinks.
Mary says, I’ll call my Leroy 7Up because he has 7 inches and they are always up.
Nancy says, I’ll call my Leroy MountainDew because he can mount and do me anytime.
Paula says I’ll call my Leroy Dr Pepper can he likes to do me at 10, 2 and 4.
Robin thinks and thinks and then finally she says I’m going to call my Leroy Jack Daniels.
Nancy says, Robin, that’s not a soft drink. Jack Daniels is a hard liquor.
Robin gets a big smile on her face and says, That would be my Leroy!
Did Dr. Pepper at some time have a slogan that involved 10, 2 and 4? That doesn’t ring a bell with me.
“Dr Pepper Time”, according to one promotion, was at 10, 2 and 4 o’clock. During World War II, a syndicated radio program, The 10–2–4 Ranch (later titled 10–2–4 Time), aired in the South and other areas where Dr Pepper was distributed. The show featured the Sons of the Pioneers and Dick Foran.[31] In the 1960s, the tune of the chorus of “The Glow-Worm” was used in ads, with lyrics which ended, “It’s Dr Pepper Time!”
-per Wiki
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