Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife died.
(when I was in grade school I heard this joke, had no clue to the meaning, but laughed)
Three nuns were sitting on a park bench when a flasher came by and exposed himself. The first nun had a stroke. Then the second nun had a stroke. But the third nun’s arms were too short.
Three pregnant women are in an obstetrician’s office waiting for the doctor and they all realise that they got pregnant on their wedding nights.
The first woman says: “On my wedding night, my husband was on top. I bet that means that I’m going to have a boy!”
The second woman says: “Well, on my wedding night, I was on top. I bet that means that I’m going to have a girl!”
The third woman starts to cry. The other women ask her “What’s the matter?” and she cries “I’m going to have p-p-p-puppies!”
When I was a kid the bottle used to have the numbers 10, 2, and 4 printed on it around the label.
I get the joke, but who is Nature Girl?
What’s the square root of 69?
I don’t know, eight something.
You know, “ate something”? I’ll let myself out.
I searched for a joke I knew, and found it was already on the SDMB - in this thread Old Jokes That Still Crack You Up - Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share - Straight Dope Message Board
Bill’s wife, Nora, has been in a coma for years.
One day, after his usual visit, he kisses her goodbye, and the doctor is shocked to notice an increase in her heart rhythm. “That’s amazing!” says the doctor. “Try kissing her again!”
So he does, and her heart rhythm again increases suddenly.
“This is fascinating,” says the doctor. “Apparently, the stimulation for your kiss is somehow reaching her. Try a full-on French kissing session and let me know what happens. I’ll give you some privacy.”
So the doctor leaves and Bill engages Nora in some heavy makeout time. The doctor comes back and Bill excitedly reports that Nora’s heart monitor beeped like crazy the whole time.
“That’s amazing! Now try stimulating her breasts.” The doctor leaves again and Bill plays with Nora’s breasts and stimulates her nipples just the way she likes.
The doctor comes back in and again the report is positive. “This is definitely a revolutionary result that is sure to get me published!” exclaims the doctor. “This time, try oral sex!”
So the doctor leaves again and comes back into the room a little later. “What happened?”
Bill looks forlornly at his wife, who was laying still. “I guess she choked to death.”
Two nuns are bicycling through Frankfurt, Germany. The older nun is showing the beautiful churches and architecture to the younger one as they ride. The older nun leads the way and rides through the old part of the city, leaving the modern paved roads for the older cobblestone paths.
After a while, the younger nun seems to be lost and says “I’ve never come this way.”
The older nun says, “I know. It’s the cobblestones.”
(it works with almost any old European city with cobblestone streets, although I’m sure I’ve messed up this joke in some way.)
What’s better than 69?
77
Cause you get 8 (ate) more
Posting to point out that yours is the 69th post in this thread.
A couple decides to give up sex for Lent. To make sure they aren’t tempted to cheat on the vow, the husband decides to sleep in the guest bedroom for the duration.
Easter morning, the sun peeps over the horizon and immediatetly there is a BAM! BAM! BAM! on the bedroom door. “I know why you’re knocking!” the wife said coyly. “Yeah?” came the husband’s voice, “Wait until you see what I’m knocking with!”
Someone who doesn’t understand Marines.
It’s the old days of maternity wards, and a new doctor is making his rounds. He stops at one young woman’s bed. “When is she due?” he asks the charge nurse. “January 19,” the nurse says promptly, without so much as glancing at the chart.
The doctor moves to the next bed. “And this young lady?” “January 19,” the nurse says again.
The doctor looks at her and moves to the next bed. “And this one?” “January 19” comes the immediate answer.
Exasperated, the doctor waves at the rest of the women in the ward. “And them?” “I don’t know, Doctor,” the nurse says. “They weren’t at the church’s spring picnic.”
A guy buys a motorcycle from his buddy. Before he drives it away his buddy tells him, “this is real important - you don’t want to get the pipes wet. If it ever starts to rain, take this jar of vaseline, and go spread it on the tail pipes so the water will bead off.”
So, the guy goes about his business, picking up his girlfriend on his new bike. He drives her over to her house where he is to have dinner with the girl’s family.
Before they go in, the girlfriend tells him, “This is really silly, but my family plays this game. After dinner, who ever is the first to speak has to wash all the dishes.”
The guy thinks this is cute until he walks into the house and notices all the dishes piled up everywhere. There are dirty dishes in every room, on every flat surface, up the stairs, in the hallway, everywhere. He says nothing and joins everybody for a fine meal.
Afterward, nobody says a word. Deciding to test the limits of the game, the guy leans over and smooches his girlfriend to see if anyone would react. No one does. So he reaches over and honks her boobs. Not a word from anyone. Feeling daring he grabs his girlfriend, heaves her up on the table, lifts her skirt and starts fucking her good and hard. Nobody says anything.
The guy, feeling very daring now, pulls out of his girlfriend walks over to her mother, heaves her up on the table, lifts her dress up and starts pounding in out of her as well.
Not a word.
Finally, as the guy is furiously pumping away at his future potential mother-in-law, he glances out the window and sees that it’s started raining. Remembering what his friend said about his new prized motorcycle, he yanks his cock out of his girlfriend’s mother and reaches into his jacket pocket to pull out the jar of vaseline.
“Okay, okay,” the girlfriend’s father exclaims, “I’ll wash the fucking dishes!”
Do you wanna have 68? You do me and I’ll owe you 1.
Old one:
An attractive traveling saleswoman finds herself in the middle of nowhere as it’s getting dark. Without a town, city or motel on the horizon, she stops at a well-lit farmhouse and asks if she can stay for the night. “Well,” the farmer says, “sure, but we’re short on beds, so you’ll have to share a bed with my teenaged son.” The woman looks over his shoulder at the strapping, handsome farm boy and says, “Well, okay.”
After dinner, she heads up to bed and puts on her negligee, then slides between the sheets. The farm boy comes in a few minutes later in his shorts. “Which side of the bed is best?” she asks him. “I dunno,” he shrugs. “Okay, I’ll try the right side,” the woman says.
The farm boy slides in on the left side and turns off the light. The woman waits, and waits, and wiggles a little, and waits… finally she says, “I think you got the comfortable side of the bed. Switch with me, okay? You can just sort of roll over me here…” “No,” the boy says, and gets out of bed to walk around to the other side. The woman moves over and he slides back in.
A few minutes later, getting more and more frustrated, the woman says, “I think I was right the first time - let me have that side back. Here, you can just slide under me…” “No,” the boy says again, and walks around to the other side.
In the darkness, the woman finally blurts out, “I don’t think you know what I want here.”
“Yes, I do, ma’am. You want the whole damned bed, and you can’t have it.”
Lester, a Bronx boy, starts dating this new-age hipster chick. On the first date she tells him she will meet him at this costume party. Lester ain’t much for costume parties, so he shows up in his khakis and polo. When he gets to the door, the host tells him he must be in costume or he won’t be allowed in. Lester says, “I am in costume. I am dressed as a Bronx boy at an LA hipster party.”
The host says, “You have to dress like an emotion. See, I am dressed all in green 'cuz I am green with envy. See your friend over there? She is all in blue because she has the blues. Now you try.”
Lester leaves for a minute, gets a Boston Creme pie, strips off all of his clothes, straps the pie around his mid-section and places his manhood in the pie and approaches the door.
When the host asks what he is supposed to be, Lester replies [spoiler] “I’m fucking dis custard (fucking disgusted).” [\spoiler]
SFC Schwartz
A wife has lost her sex drive. She and her husband consult doctors, therapists, counselors, buy sex toys, etc. Nothing works.
One day the husband visits a health food store. Desperate, he asks the owner for help. The owner goes into the back room, and comes back with a tiny bottle of liquid and an eye dropper.
“This is a powerful aphrodisiac,” the owner says. “Make your wife a cup of herbal tea after dinner and put one – and only one – drop of this in the tea. By bedtime, she will be eager for sex.”
That night the husband nervously makes tea for his wife. He adds a drop of the potion. Then he worries that one drop won’t be enough, so he adds a second drop, then a third. Then he worries he’s giving her too much, and won’t be able to keep up, so he also takes a few drops. Soon, half the bottle is in her tea, the other half in him.
They retire for the night. They lay together in bed for the longest time but neither one of them is aroused. Frustrated, they finally drop off to sleep.
At 3:00 a.m. the wife suddenly sits up in bed and screams “I need a man!”
The husband sits up and says “ME TOO!!!”
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
“Keep the tip.”
and an older one that I’ve always liked:
The young couple check in to a hotel. The guy tells the desk clerk that they’d like a fancy room, as they’re on their honeymoon.
The desk clerk nods, and says “Do you want the Bridal Suite?”
And the blushing bride says…
“No thanks, I’ll just hang on to his ears until I get used to it.”
Why did the condom fly across the room?
It got pissed off.