(We’d need to check with the German Dopers, but I don’t think Frankfurt is very heavy on cobbles. Good anyway, tho).
Not a joke, cross my heart and I tell it like it was:
One day several of us were at the entrance of our nuns-managed dorm, chatting while waiting for lunch, when in walked two of the nuns, Sister Montse and Sister Maite. Sister Montse was the bursar, a farmgirl who looked like she would have been able to lift a tractor one-handed; Sister Maite was a tiny birdlike woman who often did duty as the receptionist. Sister Maite was all aflutter “oh my God, but oh my God, but…” “Bah!”, said Sister Montse, “I really can’t see what you’re making such a fuss about!” “But that man! And YOU!” “Seriously… :rolleyes:” said Sister Montse, reaching for the phone. She called the cops and reported a flasher in the vicinity, and yes I realize it’s legal but could you go ask him for ID or something, maybe he’ll depart for greener pastures?
The “and YOU”? When the man had flashed them, Sister Maite had almost fainted. Sister Montse had looked at the man’s dick and said “oh my, you poor man! Have you considered seeing a doctor? That small isn’t normal!”
Lester, a Bronx boy, starts dating this new-age hipster chick. On the first date she tells him she will meet him at this costume party. Lester ain’t much for costume parties, so he shows up in his khakis…
[/QUOTE=SSG Schwartz;16272626]
As I learned this one, the other two costumes which set up the joke are a pear costume (“I’m in this pear!” = “I’m in despair!”) and a dress (“I’m in this dress!” = “I’m in distress!”). All the guests have NYC outer-borough accents, and the host as well – they’re not hipsters.
An 80 year old man marries a hot 20 year old girl. The happy couple desperately wants children but after a year they aren’t having any luck.
So they go to the doctor who takes an incredulous look at the unusual couple. The doctor takes the man aside and says " Do you have a spare room in your house?". “What you need to do is take in a boarder”.
The couple comes back some months later and the wife is visibly pregnant. So the doctor says
“I’m glad things worked out for you. By the way, how’s your boarder doing”
To which the old man replies with a wink…“Great, she’s pregnant, too.”
Sternvogel reminded last night me that I once told him this joke:
Ben and Mary were residents of an old age home. They fell for each other in the dining hall. Because of their advanced age, they couldn’t do too much along the lines of expressing their affections. Night after night, they’d sit together, with Mary holding Ben’s penis in her hand.
Then one day, Ben dumped Mary and took up with Ethyl. Mary was distraught and confronted Ben.
“What does Ethyl have that I haven’t got?” she asked.
I heard the custard and pear one as “I’ve come in despair”.
Reminded me of:
"An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion. “Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.”
They go home and follow the rabbi’s advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn’t help and she is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. “Okay”, says the rabbi, “let’s try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.”
Once again, they follow the rabbi’s advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, “Now, THAT’S how you wave a towel!”
The deaf couple were trying to work out how to communicate after the lights were out. The wife signed, “Well, if you want to have sex, squeeze my hand one time. And if you don’t want to have sex, squeeze my hand two times.” So the husband signed, “OK. If *you *want to have sex, pull my penis one time. And if you don’t want to have sex…pull my penis 50 times.”
I post the following with hesitation because it contains bigoted and racists concepts, but it’s too damn funny not to include here.
Bob gets a job at the sex toy store. His first day on the job the manager tells him he has to go out for a while and Bob will be in charge for a while. Just after he leaves a black woman comes into the shop and asks how much the white dildo costs. Bob has no idea, but throws out $10. She says OK and buys it. A short time later a white woman comes into the store and asks how much the black dildo costs. Again Bob has no idea and throws out $20. She say OK and buys it. A short time after that a Polish woman comes into the shop and asks how much the plaid dildo costs. Bob says $50. She says OK and buys it.
The manager returns and asks Bob if he sold anything. Bob tells the manager “Yes, I got $10 for a white dildo, I got $20 for a black dildo, and I got $50 for your thermos.”
A man and his wife had gotten into the habit of referring to making love as “doing the laundry” so their kids wouldn’t know what they were talking about.
One day the man came home from work and said to his wife, “Honey, let’s do some laundry.”
“Not now,” she said, “I have to get supper ready.”
The husband agreed, and then after supper he asked his wife again, “Honey, why don’t we do the laundry?” “Not now,” she said, “I’m tired and I just want to watch a little TV before bed.”
“OK,” he replied, “I’m going to go to bed early.”
After she finished watching TV, the wife started feeling in the mood for love, so she joined her husband in bed. “All right honey, I’m ready to do some laundry now,” she said.
“Never mind,” said the husband, “It was just a small load, so I did it by hand.”
So there I was, all those years ago, a bridegroom to be, and I got a telephone call to go over to the in-laws’ house to discuss the final wedding rehearsal. And around there I go. When I get there, though, the door is answered by my betrothed’s younger sister, who’s wearing a rather skimpy bathrobe, and she apologises but says everyone else had to go round to the church for an hour or so and I can wait there until they get back.
I go in and sit down, and the younger (but oh boy, definitely of-age) sister brings me a coffee and asks can we talk for a minute? She explains, a little awkwardly, that she’s always had feelings for me, but never acted on them because I was promised to her sister, but she’s feeling so pent-up especially with the realization that as of tomorrow I will be forever off-limits, and to put it bluntly, she’s off upstairs to bed… and will be removing the bathrobe on the way… and what I do next is up to me but we have maybe forty minutes of safe time.
As soon as she’s gone, I sit there for a long half a minute, then I stand up decisively and head straight out of the front door. Where at once I am met by my parents-in-law-to-be and my promised bride, who apologise for testing me so unfairly but hope I will forgive them, for I have passed with flying colours and they now know I am truly worthy of the woman I am going to marry.
So as I look back over twenty years, I smile fondly and I remember the moral of this story: Always keep your condoms in the car.
His buddy shows up five minutes later naked except for his member lodged in a piece of fruit. The host says, And what are you supposed to be?
“Deep in dis pear.”
Ba-dum tish…
Two pilots bring a air plane down for the landing, when the co-pilot yells "pull the breaks! Pull the breaks,! we are out of landing strip ", the pilot uses every trick in the book to safely land the plane and both pilots breath a sigh of relief…
"Incredible “says the co-pilot” I’ve never seen such a short runway “… 'yeah” the pilot agrees, "but look how wide it is! "
Elderly woman getting routine medical checkup. Doctor puts stethoscope on her upper back, says “Nice big breaths.”
Woman turns to him and says “Thank you. You should’ve theen 'em when I wuth younger.”
An airliner is just touching down in Australia after a twelve-hour flight, the pilot has just been wishing the passengers a good day and he leaves the intercom on by mistake. His co-pilot says “So, what’re you gonna do now?” and he answers “I’m gonna take a shower and a shave, then I’m gonna buy that new blonde stewardess a couple of cocktails in the pilots’ bar, and then I’m gonna shag the ass off her…”
At this point the stewardess in question, realizing the pilot doesn’t know his mic is still live, begins running for the crew cabin before the embarrassment can get any worse. And a little old lady reaches for her and says: “There’s no need to run, dear. He’s going to have a shower and a shave first!”
