share you favorite sex related joke

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
101

The Godfather calls his capo Guido into his office and tells him to shut the door.

“Guido,” he says, “is your loyalty to me unconditional?”

“Godfather!” says Guido. “You know I’d do anything for you!”

The Godfather nods and hands Guido a teacup. “Take this into the bathroom and jerk off into it.”

Guido does as he’s told and brings the cup back into the office. The Godfather looks into it, nods, and hands Guido a second teacup. “Now go and jerk off into this,” he orders.

Again, Guido does as he’s told. The scenario is repeated three more times until Guido is a shambling wreck.

The Godfather nods in satisfaction. “Now, then,” he says, “drive my daughter to the airport.”

102

A gorgeous woman is standing on the train platform in Philadelphia when she’s approached by a traveling salesman.

“Look,” he says, “my train for Chicago leaves in forty-five minutes, so I don’t have time to fart around. Do you want to fuck or not?”

The woman looks him up and down cooly and says “Well, normally I wouldn’t … but you just talked me into it!”

103

The phone rings in an elderly woman’s apartment. She picks it up and hears heavy breathing at the other end of the line.

“Hold on a minute, young man!” she says. “I want to get a cup of coffee and a cigarette.”

104

Three pregnant blondes are meeting for lunch.

Blonde #1 says “I was on top when we conceived, so we’re going to have a boy.”

Blonde #2 says “My husband was on top when we conceived, so we’re going to have a girl.”

The third blonde bursts into tears…

“We’re going to have puppies!!!”

105

A man and a woman are lying naked in bed after sex, and he’s nuzzling her thighs. He sighs, and looks up at her and says

“I’m really sorry but we have to break up, your pussy’s just too loose.
I’m really sorry but we have to break up, your pussy’s just too loose”

“Well, you asshole, you didn’t have to say it twice!” She yells.

“That’s just it… I didn’t!” he responds.

~rimshot~

106

A gorgeous woman is on a South Seas cruise when the liner runs aground on a reef and sinks, leaving her as the only survivor.

She manages to swim to a nearby island and is wading ashore when a young man comes running out of the jungle.

“Oh, my God,” he says, “thank heaven you’re here! I’ve been stranded on this island alone for the last ten years, after my parents’ boat sank on that same reef!”

The woman is astonished. “You’ve been here alone since you were a little boy? How have you managed to survive?”

The young man shrugs. “I make shelters out of palm leaves, pick fruit, dig clams…”

“Yeah,” she says, “but what about sex?”

“Sex? What’s that?”

“Well, come here, I’ll show you!”

She pulls him down onto the sand and they get it on right there on the beach. After they’ve finished, she lays back and smiles. “How’d you like that?” she asks.

“I liked it fine,” says the young man, “but look what it did to my clam-digger!”

107

A young dude takes out a different chick every Friday night but never manages to score. At the same time, he has a buddy who takes a different chick out every Friday night and always manages to score.

He finally gets so frustrated that he decides to ask his buddy for advice.

“No problem,” says his buddy. “What I did was paint a little white dot on my dashboard.”

The first dude is confused. “A little white dot? How does that help?”

“Well, the two of us are parked, sitting in the front seat, and sooner or later she asks what the little white dot is for. I say ‘Oh, I see you’ve noticed my little white dot.’ So we start talking about the dot, then about white things in general, then about abstract things like virginity, and from then on it’s easy!”

“That’s a great idea!” says the first dude. He hurries home and paints a little white dot on the dashboard of his own car.

Friday night, he’s sitting parked in his car with a new chick. After a few minutes of small talk, she says “Tell me … why do you have a little white dot on your dashboard?”

“Oh!” says the dude. “I see you’ve noticed my little white dot!”

“You wanna fuck?”

108

Heard this said by a comedian on the radio:

“My fairy godmother gave me the choice of having a long penis or a long memory. I don’t remember which I chose.”

109

Came in here to post that joke. It works a little better if the husband had a rare form of polio (or tonsilitis) called “toelio” (or “toesilitis”) and a rare form of measles called “kneesles”. The punchline then becomes, “Wait, let me guess, when you were a child, you had a rare form of smallpox…”. Implied puns are funnier.

110

How does a Frenchwoman hold her liquor?

By the ears. :smiley:

111

Ever smelled mothballs?

How did you get their little legs apart? :dubious:

112

The joke has a different effect depending on which character is saying the punchline.

Which character is saying the punchline?

113

They’re both good. Lot’s of jokes have ambiguous or multi-mode endings like that. Best ending just depends on who is telling the joke to whom.

114

He is.

115

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.

When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob’s wife, Sue, wasn’t wearing any underwear under her dress.

Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob’s wife followed and asked, “Did you see anything that you like under there?”

Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, “Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.”

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn’t, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob’s house at 2 p.m. sharp. After paying Sue the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: “Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?”

With a lump in her throat Sue answered “Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.” Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, “And did he give you $500?”

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, “Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.”

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, “He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he’d stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.”

116

I know. You shouldn’t nitpick jokes. But that joke has never worked for me.

The $500 Jim gave Sue was for sex. So it didn’t count as the $500 he owed Bob to repay the loan.

117

Yeah, but Bob doesn’t know that, and no way is Sue going to tell him.

118

An auto mechanic is in his shop just before lunch one day and a car pulls in with smoke coming from under the hood. The car door opens and a penguin hops out. The penguin says, “I was driving down the road and heard this loud noise and the engine started running really rough, and smoke started coming from the engine compartment. Can you take a look at it?”

The mechanic says, “Sure – it’ll take an hour or so.”

The penguin sees a seafood restaurant across the street and says, “Okay, go ahead and get started… I’ll go grab some lunch.”

An hour later, the penguin comes back. The mechanic looks up and sees him, and says, “Looks like you blew a seal.”

The penguin says, “WHAT the fuck did you just say to me? Why, I oughta…” then he looks down at himself and says, “Oh. OH. No, that’s just tartar sauce.”

119

A guy walks into a bar and asks for six shots of the strongest vodka they have.

The bartender puts six shots on the bar and the guy immediately knocks them back one by one.

“Whoa, slow down there!” says the bartender. “Rough day?”

The guy looks up and says “Today was my first blowjob.”

“Ahhh,” says the bartender knowingly. “You’re celebrating!”

“Hell, no!” says the guy. “I’m trying to get the taste out of my mouth!”

120

The way I heard it, the girlfriend name was “Wendie,” and the tattoo read “Welcome to Jamaica, hope you have a wonderful time!” :smiley: