A chinese couple enters the honeymoon suite on their wedding night.
The bride says,“I’ll give you what eva you want.”
Her groom replies,“I wanta 69.”
She looks at him quizzically,“You want beef n’ broccoli?”
Why do WASP women develop crows’ feet so early?
From squinting whenever they say “Suck what?!?”
Everyone was expecting Pierre, France’s renowned Olympic swimmer, to win by a mile in a race down the Seine. To their surprise, he came in dead last.
A reporter for Paris Match hurried over and asked the gold medalist what the hell had happened.
“Well, you see,” said Pierre, "I was swimming along at full speed when I looked up, and zere was Marie atop a bridge. She pulled off 'er blouse and bra and said ‘For you, Pierre, eef you win!’
"A few moments later, I looked up and saw Francoise atop another bridge. She whipped off 'er knickers and said ‘For you, Pierre, eef you win!’
"A few minutes after zat, I looked up and saw Nicole atop a third bridge. She stripped naked and said ‘For you, Pierre, eef you win!’
“And by zis time, sacre bleu, I was so excited I began to get stuck in ze mud and it slowed me down!”
“Mon Dieu!” said the reporter. “In zat case, why did you not use your world-famous backstroke?”
“Ah, mon ami!” said Pierre sadly. “Ze bridges, ze bridges…”
Why do brides always smile as they walk down the aisle?
They know they’ve given their last blowjob. 
Why is a French kiss like a toothpick?
Both can be used at either end.
A man and his wife are having sex when their 10 year old son walks in on them. The son screams “OH MY GOD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?” and then runs out of the room. The man is laughing his head off, but tells his wife he’ll let the kid calm down and then go talk to him about it.
A while later, the father walks into his son’s room to find the kid screwing his grandmother doggy style. The man screams “OH MY GOD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?”, and the son says…
“Not so funny when it’s YOUR mom, is it?”
You’ve never seen an old DP bottle, have you?
A man comes home after work to find his girlfriend packing her suitcase.
He: “Honey! Why?.. What’s wrong?”
She: “I just found out that you are a pedophile!”
He (hands on hips): “Well, that’s an awfully big word for a 9-year old.”
A farmer decides he’s going to add to his livestock and raise pigs. So he buys some pigs and waits for nature to take it’s course. But all the pigs want to do is lie around in the pigpen.
The farmer goes to the county extension agent and asks what he can do to encourage the pigs to breed. The extension agent says that if the pigs don’t breed then artificial insemination may be called for. The farmer doesn’t know what that is and is embarrassed to admit it, so he goes on home.
After thinking about it for a while he thinks that maybe artificial insemination means he has to take care of matters himself. So, rather reluctantly, he loads the pigs up in the truck, takes them out to the woods where matters won’t be witnessed, and takes care of business. But still, the pigs just lie around in the pigpen. He repeats the procedure, but no dice.
One day the farmer’s wife spends the day in town, driving the truck. When she comes home the farmer, who’s in the house, hollers out “Honey, are the pigs still lying around in the pen?”
She comes inside with a strange look on her face and replies “No, but they are in the truck honking the horn!”
It’s somewhere in ancient Greece (though you could be forgiven for thinking it looked like modern New Zealand) and a campfire is flickering fitfully in the dark watches of the night. Nearby are two bundled-up figures, one blonde-haired and one raven. The blonde is fidgeting and sighing and after a while the dark-haired woman calls out “What’s the matter, Gabrielle?”
“I’m cold, Xena!” says the blonde.
“Huh,” says Xena, and ponders for a moment. “So… you want to make like we’re man and wife, or what?”
“…All right!” says Gabrielle after a short pause.
“Good,” grunts Xena. “Then get yourself another blanket and stop keeping me awake, ya dumb broad!”
I was thinking of this joke at the EXACT moment I scrolled to it…
What food instantly stops a woman’s sex drive?
Wedding Cake
Bruno finally convinced Anna to have sex with him.
After a few minutes of trying, he quits.
Anna asks him why?
Bruno: You’ve got no tits and your box is too tight.
Anna: Get off my back!
A man walks in to a gun shop and announces he’s always wanted to hunt and kill a bear, and he’s finally going to do it. The gun store employee tells him that’s great, they’ll put his name on a list and take a deposit and when bear season is underway they’ll set him up with a guide and get him outfitted and he can go kill a bear. The man says that wont work, he just learned he only has six months to live and he needs something faster. The employee tells him it’s archery season, but that’s a very dangerous and difficult hunt and if he can even find a bear he’ll probably end up getting eaten by it. The man says that’s fine, he’s only got six months anyway, it’s worth a try. The employee sells him a license and a tag and a compound bow and a ghillie suit and he goes on his way.
The man goes on his hunt and finds a bear. He sinks an arrow in its chest and it gets annoyed and starts charging at him. He shoots arrow after arrow and hits the bear several times but it doesn’t even slow down. When it gets to the man it knocks him out with the back of its paw and the man wakes up with a sore ass covered in bear jizz.
After a recovery period the man returns to the gun store and asks if its rifle season yet. The gun store employee says its not, but given the man’s situation he might be intersted to know it’s handgun season. The man buys a 454 Casull revolver with a scope and a bunch more gear and returns to the same place he found the bear last time.
The man finds the same bear, lines up his shot, and again he fails to kill the bear. The bear charges at him, he unloads his revolver into the bear, the bear doesn’t even slow down, and again, the bear knocks him out and has his way with him anally.
After a period of recovery, the man returns to the gun store and asks to buy the biggest rifle they have. The employee says it’s not rifle season yet. The man says he just want to be prepared, and buys a semi-auto 50 cal BMG with a scope. The man drives straight out to the same spot without any camo or a tag and yells out for the bear to come and get him.
The bear shows himself and the man shoots him with the 50 cal. The bear falls down, then gets back up and starts walking toward the man. The man shoots again and knocks the bear down again, but he gets back up. Shot after shot the bear keeps slowly strutting toward the man until he’s close enough to knock the man’s rifle out of his hands. The rifle pulls back his paw but instead of knocking the man out he rubs the back of his paw against the man’s hair and face and stares deep into the man’s eyes and says “let’s drop the charade, we both know you’re not here for the hunting.”