I need off color jokes

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. “Actually, no” he replies.

“Can you get him for me? - I need to speak to him.” she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. “I’m afraid I can’t” breathes the barman - clearly in trouble. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes there is. I need you to give him a message” she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. “Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room.”

22

Have you heard of McDonald’s newest menu item?

They take a full dill pickle, dip it in batter, roll it in bread crumbs, and then deepfry it.
Its called the McDill Dough

23

In a driving rain, a very short woman goes into a doctor’s office. She tells the nurse she has a tremendous itching between her legs. She is ushered in to see the doctor, who closes the door. After a while, the nurse hears a loud sigh of relief, and she can hear the little lady say, “Oh, my God, thank you doctor!”

After the small woman is gone, the nurse asks the doctor what he did for her. “I just cut two inches off the tops of her galoshes.”

24

What do 10,000 battered women have in common?

THEY. JUST. DON’T. LISTEN!

25

In that vein:

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing. You done told the bitch twice.

26

Knock Knock.
Who’s There?
Interrupting Cow.
Interrupting Co—
MOOOOOO!

Knock Knock.
Who’s There?
Interrupting Hellen Keller.
Interrupting He—
MUHRRRR!

27

What did the rapist say to the murderer?

You’re killing me.

28

Dave Allen used to do a much longer version but ---------

Just after World War 2, a reporter was interviewing the head nun of a monastery in Italy regarding her experiences during the war.
“Oh it was terrible, terrible.” She cried, “First the Italians raped us all except sister Matilda. Then the Germans raped us all except sister Matilda and then the Americans raped us all except sister Matilda.”
“Oh I’m so sorry, it must be very difficult for you.” replied the reporter, “But I’m curious, you said they all raped you except sister Matilda. Why didn’t anyone rape sister Matilda?”

“Oh sister Matilda,” said the nun, wiping her eye, “She’s not interested in that sort of thing.”

29

What’s the difference between a magician and a chorus line?

The magician has a cunning array of stunts…

What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a Peeping Tom?

A pickpocket snatches watches…

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde, all pregnant, are sitting in the OB/GYN waiting room, talking about their future babies.

The brunette says, “I’m having a boy, because when we did it, I was on the bottom.”

The redhead says, “I’m having a girl, because I was on top.”

The blonde begins to weep. The other women ask her what’s wrong; she replies, “I’m gonna have puppies!”

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to the gynecologist. The doc takes one look at this woman and all professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.

As he does this he says to the woman, “Do you know what I’m doing?”

“Yes,” she says, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.” “Yes, that is correct,” says the doctor.

He then begins to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asks. “Yes,” says the woman, “you’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer.”

“That’s right,” replies the doctor.

He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, “Do you know what I’m doing now?”

“Yes,” she says. “You’re getting herpes.”

Human: Hey elf, you look like a girl.
Elf: To a human, everything must look like a girl.
Human: What?
Elf: Half-orcs, half-ogres…
Human: … shut up.
Dwarf: Half-dragons, half-kobolds.
Human: I said shut up!
Elf: …
Dwarf: …
Human: …
Elf: Centaurs.

Three French boys are walking down the street, one 5, one 7, one 9 years old. They happen by an open window and see a couple inside in the throes of passion.

“Look!” says the 5 year old. “A man and a woman, and they are wrestling”

The 7 year old looks in the window and says “Fool! Zey are making zee love!”

The 9 year old looks and says “Oui! And badly.”

Anyone who wants to take my porn is gonna have to pry it from my warm,sticky fingers!

Mjolnir : Thor’s Hammer, Freya’s Dildo.

30

Mary and jack work at an office together.

One day Mary’s boss comes up to her and says, “I got a memo from the head office. We’re cutting back on staff. I’m sorry to say I’m going to have to lay you or Jack off.”

Mary replied, “You better jack off. I have a headache.”

A man brings a glass of water and two aspirin to his wife.

She says, “What’s this for? I don’t have a headache,”

He says, “Then let’s fuck.”

31

Mother Superior gathered the nuns together.

“Sisters,” she began, “I need to share something with you: we have a case of gonorrhea in the convent”.

“Thank fuck for that”, came a voice from the back, “I’m sick to death of bloody chardonnay”.

32

A man is telling his friend about the great night he had.

“I found a woman tied to the railway tracks! I untied her and took her home and we sex all night long! We did it every way you can imagine, even up the bum!”

“Mate, that’s amazing,” says the friend. “Did you get a blow job?”

“No,” he replies, “I didn’t find the head”

33

What do you call a black man flying a plane?

A pilot you fucking racist.

34

Why don’t black people go on cruises?

They’re not falling for THAT one again.

35

A priest is visiting the convent and notices a nun who looks a bit thick around the middle. “Gaining weight, Sister?” She blushes. “Oh no, Father, it’s just a bit of gas.”

Some weeks later, he visits again, and by this time she’s noticeably pregnant. “Gaining weight, Sister?” “Oh no, Father, just a bit of gas.”

Months pass, and again the priest runs into the nun, who is now thinner and pushing a baby carriage. The priest leans over, looks into the carriage, and says, “Cute little fart.”

36

And why not, one more with the priests:

A bishop is traveling around visiting the priests in his diocese. One night, at dinner, the bishop notices the priest’s housekeeper, who is a quite young and attractive woman. “Father,” he says, “I hope you won’t let that young woman lead you into temptation.” The priest assures the bishop that that is not the case.

Days later, the housekeeper approaches the priest. “I’m not sure how to say this. I would never accuse the bishop of stealing, but I can’t find the silver gravy ladle, and I’m certain that the last time we used it was the night the bishop had dinner here.”

The priest tries to think of a way to bring up the issue tactfully, and finally writes a letter to the bishop, which concludes, “I’m not saying that you did take the gravy ladle, and I’m not saying you didn’t, but it has been missing since the night you were here.”

Some days later, a letter arrives from the bishop. It states: “I’m not saying that you are having sex with your housekeeper, and I’m not saying you aren’t, but if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now.”

37

Sister Ann is rushing to vespers and as she turns a corner she runs smack into one of the novices and they both fall. The novice looks at her and says “Ah, Sister Ann, I see we got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!” Well, she continues to rush towards the chapel and runs smack into one of the other nuns coming out of a doorway. This nun as well looks at her and says “Ah, Sister Ann, I see we got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!”

Well, by this time Sister Ann is pissed off and really really late for vespers she she is flat-out running. And just as she gets to the chapel she runs into the Mother Superior and they both fall in a heap. As they start to get up the Mother Superior says “Ah, Sister Ann ------”

And Sister Ann shakes her fist at the Mother Superior and says “if you dare tell me I got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning I am going to poke you right in the nose!!! Mother Superior or not I’m going to deck you!!!”

And the Mother Superior says “No, Sister Ann ------- I just wondered why you were wearing the Bishop’s shoes.”

38

Why do altar boys part their hair in the middle?

<mimics stroking the hair on a kneeling person with both hands>
“Yes, my son – thank you, my son ------ less teeth, my son”

39

After closing their Chinese restaurant for the night, the owner and his wife go upstairs to their apartment. They begin to get intimate, and he feels adventurous. “Darling, let’s try something. How about some sixty-nine?”

His wife is astonished. “You want beef and broccoli now?!”

Little Brandon and little Donna go behind the hedge in the backyard, and little Brandon half-whispers, “You wanna play doctor?”

Little Donna says, “Yes, let’s. Here, fill out these insurance forms, then sign here, and here, and here, and here.”

40

“Doctor, could I ask you a favor?”
“What is it Miss Jones?”
“Could you please kiss me?”
“Miss Jones, I’m a psychiatrist and you’re my patient. That would be a violation of my professional ethics.”
“Please, Doctor, just one little kiss. No one will know.”
“I’m sorry but it’s impossible. Quite frankly, we shouldn’t even be having sex like this.”