Why don’t debutantes like group sex?
They hate sending all those thank you notes.
Did you hear about the Baptist minister who was banging the organist? They always did it laying down so no one mistook it for dancing.
This works with a seedy/ill-regarded part of town. In my case, it was Surrey.
How does a Surrey boy know when his sister is on the rag?
He can taste blood on his old man’s dick.
How do you castrate a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the chin.
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Interrupting Starfish.
Interrupting St…
[thrust hand toward subject’s face while wiggling fingers]
Did you know there are over 2,000,000 battered women in America?
And to think I’ve been eating them plain all this time!
Not really off-color, but I have precedent:
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Interrupting coefficient of friction
Interrupting coeffi-
MUUUUUUUU
What’s the difference between jam and jelly?
- You can’t very well jelly your dick in her ass.
What does a stripper do with her asshole before work?
- Drop him off at band practice.
Little Johnny’s grandfather comes up to him one day and points out the window, where it’s just stopped raining. “You see all the worms out there on the walk?” he asks. “If you can figure out how to put those worms back in their holes, I’ll give you a ten dollar bill.” Little Johnny thinks for a minute, runs and gets the can of spray starch, sprays the worm, and zip! it’s stiff enough to just shove back in the hole. Grandad gives him a ten and runs off. A half hour later, he comes back and gives Little Jonny a second ten. “Are you senile?” Johnny asks. “You already paid me.” Grandad just smiles and says, “That one’s from Gramma.”
A nun is waiting at a bus stop. A gorgeous red convertible comes to a screeching halt right in front of her. In the car is a bimbo, covered in jewelry. She looks down her nose at the nun and says :
- Like the car ? It’s a nice car isn’t it ?
- Yes, it is.
- And the pearls ? Aren’t they fabulous ?
- They are.
- And do you know how I got all of that ? Sucking a man’s dick. How do you like that, sister ?
- upset WHAT ?
- Yup.
- Scandalous ! Father O’Toole only gave me a candy bar !
Two flies are sitting on a piece of shit. One farts. The other looks at him in disgust and says, “uhh, excuse me, I’m eating.”
Along these lines, potentially offensive but not off-color…
Three women are in the OB/GYN waiting room, passing the time working on their knitting – baby clothes, of course. One woman sets her knitting aside, reaches into her purse, pulls out a bottle and pops a pill from it. The other two women ask her, “What did you just take?” She replies, “A multi-vitamin, because I want my baby to be healthy.”
A few minutes later, one of the other women sets her knitting aside and pops a pill from a bottle in her purse. The other two women ask her, “What did you just take?” She replies, “An iron pill, because I want my baby to be strong.”
Shortly thereafter, the third woman pops a pill, and the others ask her what she took. “Thalidomide,” she says, as she rips out a row of her knitting. “I just can’t get the sleeves on this damned sweater right.”
A teenage couple are making out in the back of a car, and things are getting hot and heavy.
“Oh baby!” cries out the girl to her boyfriend, “Kiss me where it smells!”
.
.
.
.
.
So he drove her to New Jersey.
Two Arab guys emigrate to America. They decide to make a bet with one another to see who could become the most Americanized after 30 days. A month later, they meet.
“America is so wonderful!”, says the first Arab. “I have a new job, a new car, a beautiful blonde wife, and a big screen television with a satellite dish in a beautiful 4 bedroom home in the suburbs!”
“Fuck you, you towelhead.” replies his friend.
Why did God create woman?
Because sheep can’t cook.
A guy walks into a tavern, and sees a big, giant alligator sitting on the bar. He turns heel and leaves in fright, when the bartender calls out to him.
“Hey buddy! Come back!” he says. “Look pal, come back, I’ll prove the alligator is safe.” With that, the bartender pries open the alligators mouth, whips out his johnson, and sticks it in the alligators mouth for 10 minutes!
As the bartender zips up, he asks "There, you think you can do that?
“I dunno” says the patron. “I don’t think I can keep my mouth open that long.”
A masked gunman storms into a bank, and draws his weapon on the teller.
“Your money or your life!” he demands.
“Sir”, replies the teller, hands up, "I think there has been a mistake. This is not a regular bank . . this is a SPERM bank.
The robber gets increasingly agitated.
“DON’T MESS WITH ME!”, he demands, “HAND OVER THE MONEY or I swear to God, I’LL BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF!”
“SIR,” pleads the teller, "again, this is NOT a bank that has money, IT IS A SPERM BANK. Look, I’ll take you to the safe and prove it to you.
The robber looks around nervously, and shakes his gun at her. "ALL RIGHT, take me there, BUT NO GAMES!
The robber follows the teller to the back, gun drawn, her hands up. She opens the safe. True to her word, there are several vials of sperm in there.
“See?” says the teller. "I told you, this is not a regular bank. This is a sperm bank. Do you believe me now?
The robber becomes even more agitated, and waves the gun at the woman.
“DRINK ONE!” he demands. The woman protests, but the robber puts the gun right to her head.
“I SAID DRINK ONE, or I will BLOW YOUR HEAD CLEAN OFF!” he demands.
The woman has no choice, and drinks down one of the vials.
“NOW DRINK ANOTHER ONE!”
She complies.
“DRINK ONE MORE!”
After the hapless teller drinks down the third vial of sperm, the robber takes off his mask and reveals his face.
“See honey?”, he says. “It doesn’t taste so bad!”
What do you call an Arab wearing a piece of cured pork as a hat?
Hammed
What do you call an Arab wearing two pieces of cured pork as a hat?
Mohammed
What do you call an Arab with Parkinson’s disease wearing two pieces of cured pork as a hat?
Sheikh Mohammed
I just want you to know that this is the best joke I’ve heard in a long time.
One for Redd:
Lady calls her doctor and says, “Hey, doc, I don’t think these hormone pills you gave me are the right prescription.”
The doctor says, “What’s wrong?”
The lady says, “I’ve got hair growing down my chest!”
The doctor says, “Really? How far down your chest is it growing?”
The lady says, “All the way down to my dick.”
One day a new pastor was called in to take over the congregation of a church whose current pastor had to suddenly travel out of state to take care of a family issue. When the new pastor arrived he found a note which told him that if he had any questions or needed help to meet with the church secretary “Mother Greene”. Well, as luck would have it, Mother Greene was also out of town vacationing. On Sunday morning as the 9am service was about to begin the pastor is informed that Mother Greene is not yet in the church and he should wait for her. He asks how he would know when she arrives having never met the woman and he is told he could not miss her as she is a large woman and sits in the front row center. A few moments later a large woman in a dress strolls into the church and walks right to the front row and sits in the open center seat with her legs wide open showing off her girly bits.
The new pastor is taken aback as this shocking display cannot be the work of the holy Mother Greene everyone spoke so highly of. He leans over to one of the deacons and says “Is that Mother Greene?”
The Deacon leans over and takes a look and says “Maybe it is just the way the light is hitting it.”
Sorry it took so long to get there but it cracks me up.
One of my favorites, stolen shamelessly from another Doper:
One I heard from Drew Carey:
An old lady and old man are sitting in the retirement home. The old lady turns to the man and says, “I bet I can guess your age” and he agrees to the bet. So suddenly she leans over and sticks her hand down the front of his pants for a good long feel. Afterwards, she takes her hand out and announces, “You’re 87.”
“That’s amazing!” he says. “How did you know?”
So she answers, “You told me yesterday.”
Mr. and Mrs Rabinowitz are being interviewed in their high-rise apartment by a local TV station after 70 years of marriage. The reporter is met at the door by the wife who shows the crew in and brings a plate of cookies and tea. The wife toddles down the hall after her husband who is in bed being taken care of by his visiting nurse, the reporter follows asking questions.
When the wife opens the door, she finds her husband furiously mating with the young nurse. Without a word the wife opens the window, picks up the husband and throws him right out of the open window.
The reporter shrieks “Why did you do that, after 70 years of marriage, you’ve surely killed him!”
Mrs. Rabinowitz says “Honey, at his age, if he can fuck, he can fly”
I hit the power button on my computer in the middle of typing and it shut down on me. Pfft, that’s what I get for helping out a user. Anyway, here:
Q. What don’t you want to hear after a blowjob?
A. (Take a drink of your beverage of choice and let it dribble out of your mouth) I love you.
Q. How do you get a witch pregnant?
A. You fuck her.
A woman decided that she wanted breast implants and went to talk to the plastic surgeon about it.
“This is our top of the line model,” he says as he shows the implants to her. “The membrane is made from a space age polymer. They look and feel natural and are guaranteed for life not to leak. These will cost $100,000.”
“Oh that’s too much,” she replied. “What else do you have?”
“These are pretty good,” he shows her the next model. “They look pretty good and feel decent, but not as good as the top of the line. There are some instances of the saline leaking, but generally these are a good quaility model. They cost $40,000.”
“That is too much as well,” she signed. “What else do you have?”
“These are pretty cheap,” he says as he holds up the next model. “They are inflated by air, so you don’t worry about leaking.”
She agrees to the cheap model and they are soon implanted in her chest.
“These don’t look any different,” She says after the operation.
“Well not now,” replies the doctor. “But remember that they are inflated by air. The belows are under your armpits, so you can increase the size by pumping your arms.”
She starts pumping her arms (make the pumping motion for effect) and her breasts get larger.
Impressed, she heads out on the town to give them a try. She heads into a local pub and after a drink for courage, decides to show them off to a cute guy at the bar.
“What do you think of these?” (pump your arms for effect)
“Looks like we have the same plastic surgeon.” (Pump your legs together for effect…)
heh, reminds me of another one:
An American is on vacation in Mexico. He needs to know the time, but has forgotten his watch. He sees a man dozing in a chair next to a donkey and approaches him. “Excuse me,” he says, “do you know what time it is?”
The man reaches out and lifts the donkey’s huge nuts. After a second, he says, “It’s three o’clock, senor.”
The American is stunned. “How did you do that?!”
The Mexican reaches out and lifts the donkey’s balls again, pointing away under them. “See that clock over there?”