It’s a slow day in Heaven and John Lennon, John Belushi and Rock Hudson have been drinking at the bar all day. By evening they’re pretty well toasted and start complaining. “We were young and famous and rich and we were taken too early!”. They decide to go to God and bitch about it.
After a long time of whining, God says “Okay, but if you return to any of your old ways…POOF… your ass is right back here!”. They decide they can do this and POOF they’re back on Earth. Walking down the street they pass a bar were a band is mangling a Beatles song. Lennon starts to go in but Belushi says “No! You know what the Man said!”. Nodding, they all start walking away when the band goes into another Beatles song…even worse than the last. Lennon says “I can’t take it” and when he puts his hand on the door…POOF… John Lennon is gone.
Belushi and Rock Hudson just look at each other and shake their heads. They continue walking and come across a large bag of cocaine laying in the street. Belushi says “Oo, Ooo” but Hudson says “No! You know what happened to Lennon” Nodding sadly, they start to walk away. But Belusi stops, bends over to get the coke… and POOF… Rock Hudson is gone!
Too long to type but I found it on the internet.
Best blonde joke ever!!
Oh, that is priceless. 
I don’t think that joke works anymore.
So there’s this artist whose sight is failing rapidly. She goes to an optician who prescribes glasses for her. But since she’s an artist, she can’t afford to pay for the office visit and the new glasses all at once. The optician, knowing she’s an artist, offers to comp the glasses if she’ll paint a mural for his waiting room.
The following Monday, the optician comes into the office to find all four walls of the waiting room covered floor to ceiling with painted eyes, some small, some large, some open, some closed, some blue, brown, green or gray. “Well, what do you think?” the artist asks.
“Makes me glad I’m not a gynecologist!”
True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome and didn’t really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn’t say a word. She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me.” I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
“The moral of this story is:”
“Always keep your condoms in your car.”
Oh dear. I had to go through it three times before I got it. You people are sick :).
A woman goes to see her gynaecologist, complaining her husband doesn’t take an interest in her any more. The gynae, who is Chinese, tells her to strip naked and crawl on all fours from his desk to the door, and then crawl back again, “Ah, yes,” he sighs, “it is as I suspected - you have Zacchary’s disease.” “What the hell is Zacchary’s disease?” the woman asks. “Your ass look ex-Zacchary like your face.”
Another woman goes to see her gynaecologist for a routine exam. He asks her to strip naked and do a handstand. After she complies, he places his chin on her vagina and looks at himself in a hand mirror. “What the hell are you doing?” the woman asks. “The receptionist was right,” he replies, “a beard wouldn’t suit me.”
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Fred,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able
to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be
digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would
be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
For heaven’s sake, don’t dig up that garden! That’s where I buried the
BODIES…
Love, Fred
At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Fred
That’s been done here too.
Here be the link.
I can’t believe I read the whole thing. shudder But it was beautiful, in its own way.
This is better told out loud, but oh, well. Back in “the good old days,” drug stores didn’t have condoms out on display. They were kept behind the pharmacist’s counter, and you had to go up and ask to buy them. Well, one day a young fellow sidled up to the counter and said to the pharmacists, “I’ve a got a big date tonight, and I need some . . . you know . . . prophylactics.”
The pharmacist put a box on condoms in a brown paper bag and rang them up on the cash register. “That’ll be a dollar five, with tax,” he told the young man.
“Tacks!?!” the fellow yelped, “I thought they stayed on by themselves!”
God help me, exactly. I knew I wasn’t the only one who had heard that version. Although I must admit that I was getting sweatier than a pedophile in Chuckie Cheese thinking I might have actually MADE IT UP. :eek:
Carry on.
- Peter Wiggen
I am very curious now. Can you at least reveal enough words so that the joke would appear on a Google search?
Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. “Give me your money!” he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, “You can’t do this. I’m a United States Congressman!”
“In that case,” replied the mugger, “give me MY money.”
A young couple had just returned from their honeymoon. A couple days later the bride called her monther in tears. “Oh, mother,” she cried, “the honeymoon was wonderful, but as soon as we returned, Sam began using really horrible language… Stuff I’d never heard before… Really terrible 4-letter words… You’ve got to come get me and take me home. PLEASE MOTHER!” And the new bride began to sob again.
“But, honey,” the mother countered, “WHAT 4-letter words?”
“I can’t tell you, mother,” said the daughter, “they’re too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!”
“Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so upset… Please tell me the 4-letter words!”
Still sobbing, the bride said, “Mother… he is using words like: DUST… WASH… IRON…and COOK!”
This woman goes into the gynecologist. Usually, it’s the other way around.
What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?
Full.
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Where’s the “puke” smiley when you need it?
At the risk of my mortal reputation (my immortal soul already knows where it’s going…), google “presumptuous eight year old girlfriend joke” (w/o the quotes). 1st link should be “Sick Jokes”; search in the page for “presumptuous.”
Disclaimer: The page is chalk full of truely offensive jokes. Personally, I almost split at the seems laughing, but if you offend easily do not find the page!
Meh. The presumptuous joke was just the same thing with a little more detail. The pelvis joke, on the other hand – wow. Just wow.
B. B. King’s birthday was coming up, so his wife decided to do something really special for him. She went to a tattoo parlor to get his name tattooed on her butt. She got a B tattooed on one cheek, and another on the other.
Later that night, she said “Honey, I have a special surprise for you!” She then turned around, lowered her pants, and bent over.
B. B. looked at this for a minute, then exploded, “Who the hell is Bob?!?”