What in common between a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist?
Both get to smell, neither gets to taste
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the jungle?
Or the other cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?
Excellent! Sometime I’ll have to tell you the limerick about Nero.
Daniel
Three women are waiting in their obstetrician’s office for a checkup.
Woman #1: When my husband and I conceived, I was on top, so we’re going to have a boy.
Woman #2: Well, I wanted to have a girl, so my husband was on top.
Woman #3 bursts into tears: “I’m going to have puppies!”
This one is best spoken out loud…
What’s the best part about having sex with twenty five year olds?
There’s TWENTY of them!
How do you tell whether an otherwise-anonymous photo spread is from Playboy, Penthouse, or Hustler? Just show it to an OB/GYN.
Playboy: “My, that’s an attractive woman!”
Penthouse: “Gee, I didn’t realize I was giving an exam today…”
Hustler: What the hell is that?
That was a joke? :eek:
One cannibal says to the other “I don’t like my mother in law!”
The other says “Just eat the potatoes then”
An oldie but a goodie (I heard it with the guy as a proctologist, and doing it all through the tailpipe.)
A guy goes to see a shrink because his wife is too inhibited for sex. The psychiatrist sits him down, listens to his story and starts telling him that they need to rediscover their youthful passion.
He points out the window at two dogs screwing on the lawn. “Look at those dogs,” he says. “Go home, fix your wife a drink, and go at it with the wild abandon of those two!”
The guy goes home, and a week later, he’s back.
“How did it go?” asked the shrink.
“Terrible, Doc!” he groans, “It took three drinks just to get her into the backyard.”
Loads of variations on this one. Local favorite:
A trailer park woman who loved country music won $500 in the Texas lottery, and decided to spend it on new tattoos. She went to the local tattoo parlor, and told the artist, “My two favorite country singers are Johnny Cash and Garth Brooks. I want you to draw Johnny Cash on my left inner thigh, and Garth Brooks on my right inner thigh.” The tattoo artist said, “No problem,” told her to take off her skirt and her panties, and he started working.
An hour later, he said, “Finished.” Excitedly, the woman looked, but immediately yelled, “You idiot! This one doesn’t look like Johnny Cash! And that one doesn’t look anything like Garth Brooks! You’re the worst tattoo artist on earth, and I’m not going to pay you!” The artist yelled back, “You’re nuts, lady! This is some of the best work I’ve ever done! That looks EXACTLY like Johnny Cash and Garth Brooks, so you’d damn well better pay up!”
They argued for some time. Finally, the artist said, “Tell you what- I’ll bring in some random person off the street, and ask him to identify the faces I drew on your thighs. If he identifies them correctly, you have to pay. If he can’t, you don’t have to pay.” The woman agreed to that.
The artist walked out into the street, grabbed a passerby, and asked him to look at the woman’s inner thighs, and tell her what singers he saw. The passerby looked over the tattoos for a minute, then said, “Well… I don’t recognize the one on the left. And I don’t recognize the one on the right. But the one in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson.”
A guy walked into a bar and ordered a triple martini. Shortly after, a lady walked in and ordered a triple martini. The bartender said, “Wow! Back-to-back triple martinis! Are you celebrating anything?”
The woman said, “Yes, for ten years, I’ve been trying to get pregnant. This morning I went in for a pregnancy test and the doctor said I was pregnant!”
The bartender looked at the guy and said, “Are you celebrating anything?”
The guy said, “Yes. I breed peacocks. For ten years, I’ve been trying to breed a peacock with blue eyes. I walked out from the birdhouse this morning and there was a beautiful, blue-eyed peacock!”
The bartender said, “Congratulations! How’d ya do it?”
He said, “After all those years of trying, all I did was change cocks.”
“Really?” the woman said, “Me, too!”
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newly-wed couple wanted to join a church. The priest said, “We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.”
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The priest went to the elderly couple and asked, “Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”
The old man replied, “No problem at all, Father.”
“Congratulations! Welcome to the church!” said the priest.
The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?” The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad.
The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yep we made it."
“Congratulations! Welcome to the church,” said the priest.
The priest then went to the newly-wed couple and asked, “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?” “No Father, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,” the young man replied sadly.
“What happened?” inquired the priest.
“My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the shelf and dropped it” said the young man. “When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.”
“You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church” stated the priest.
‘‘That’s okay,’’ said the man. ‘‘We’re not welcome in Home Depot anymore, either…’’
Brilliant!
A poster named fetus walks into a thread about gynocological jokes, and all s/he has to say is to compliment another joke?
Wait a minute! Get back here! That’s just wrong…
Another better told, than written, but hey, read it aloud!
A woman walks into a gynaecologist, complaining of pains in her clitoris. Gynae has a look, and says, “I think the best thing I can do is numb it”.
“Ok.” Says the woman. “Just do what you think best.”
So the gynae gets down on his knees, put’s his head between her thighs and goes “num, num, num, num…”