There was a gay couple they decided that they wanted to have a baby. So they ask one of their close friends to carry the baby. Nine months later the baby was born. When they arrived at the hospital the two men looked proudly at their new son, that was quiet well behaved even though he didn’t have a soother in his mouth.
As the other babies screamed and fussed, one man looks to the other and says "We are so lucky to have such a well behaved baby. A nurse wonders by stops and says “Just wait until we take the soother out of his ass!”
I found it borderline offensive myself…not only making stereotypical assumptions about gay people having gay babies but also applying sexual innuendo to a child :\ But overall…not funny.
Wow. Yah, I’m not someone who considers himself very offendable, so I will just say instead that the joke was just plain bad. I can just sit around after that and wait for someone who really was offended by this to come around and complain, because it’s going to come soon enough.
In the interest of saving a thread which can still lead to some good times I will refer diggy to this link: The World’s Funniest Joke Thread.
[nagging]
Now I’m sorry diggy if I’m coming off as mean. In the spirit of humor I do not mind joke’s that take aim at sterotypes. In the link to the thread I gave there are plenty of “offensive” jokes aimed at all sorts of religions, race, and sexual preference. I just think you may have started your thread off in a poor and easily misunderstood tone.
[/nagging]
A brilliant gynecologist got bored. His work was dull, and every woman he dated seemed like just another impatient patient. So he quit his practice and went to auto mechanic’s school.
He soared through every class, making top marks every time. Then came the final exam. He had to diagnose, tear down and reassemble an engine, while being timed.
The next day, he was called into the office. All the instructors and the principal were there.
“Doctor, this has never happened before. You scored 150 on your final.”
“How’s that possible? You said the highest score was 100.”
He spread out the charts. “You diagnosed every problem, even one we weren’t aware of. You tore down the engine and reassembled it perfectly, in record time. And, gosh, we had to give you extra credit for doing it all through the muffler.”
Q. How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Three. One to screw in the lightbulb, one to complain about the violation of the socket, and one to secretly wish she was the socket.
“When the guy who was making the first drawing board got it wrong, what did he go back to?” — Steven Wright
An optimist believes we live in the best of all possible worlds.A pessimist believes this is true.
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, it is half empty. To the engineer, it’s twice as large as it needs to be. The cynic thinks it’s poisoned anyway.
There is no knowledge that is not power. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Study hard. Be Evil.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.
“My parents just came back from a planet where the dominant life form had no bilateral symmetry, and all I got was this stupid F-Shirt.”
Their Mission: To explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly nuke them from orbit. Because it’s the only way to be sure.
“If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp,because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy”
A good friend will bail you out of jail, but your best friend will be the one sitting next to you saying "That was fucking awesome !
Of course violence isn’t the answer. The answer is “yes”. The question is violence.
“Motion-tracking turrets!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!”
“I’ve got neutronium armor! It’s invincible! Just don’t shoot my backpack or the power failure will implode the continent we’re standing on.”
Anyone who wants to take my porn is gonna have to pry it from my warm,sticky fingers!
*Chick walks up to Borg in a bar*
Chick: Hey, you're kinda cute.
Borg: Appearance is irrelevant.
Chick: Yeah, I know how you feel. It's great to find a guy who isn't
shallow. I mean, as long as you're happy, right?
Borg: Happiness is irrelevant.
Chick: Wow, you're deep! Like, all philosophical!
Borg: Philosophy is irrelevant.
Chick: Wanna go back to my place and...you know...
Borg: Sex is....is...um, I mean, yeah let's go.
The Munchkins were never very bright. Remember when Glinda said that the Wicked Witch was powerless in Munchkinland? The Lollipop Guild and the Lullaby League should have seized upon that opportunity to pummel her into a quivering green heap.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Did you hear that labs are using lawyers instead of white rats now? Know why?
1. there’s more of them
2. nobody cares if they die
3. there’s some things you just can’t get a rat to do
Q: How many Bushies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; its conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are a delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate America?
First they came for the Teletubbies, and I didn’t speak up, because I wasn’t a Teletubby.
Then they came for Spongebob, and I didn't speak up, because I wasn't a Sponge.
Then they came for the Muppets, and I didn't speak up, because I was a Snuffleupagus.
Then they came for me, and by that time there was no one left to say I wasn't gay.
God shouldn’t have told Adam and Eve not to eat the fruit from the tree of knowledge.
He should have told them not to eat talking snakes.
English does not borrow from other languages. English follows other languages into dark alleys, knocks them over, and rifles through their pockets for loose grammar.
Peyton Manning dies and goes to Heaven. God tells him that because he’s lived a good life, he gets a very special perk: his own house.
Peyton’s house is a comfortable little bungalow painted in blue and white, with the Colts logo on the porch flag. God says, “This is a very special privilege, Peyton. Not everyone gets a house in Heaven.”
Peyton then notices the house next door. It’s three stories tall, painted in black and gold, with a 50-foot flagpole flying a huge Steelers flag and a Terrible Towel in every window. A pimped-out black SUV with gold trim sits in front of the house, with “The Bus” painted in gold on the side. Peyton turns to God and asks, “God, I hate to sound like I’m complaining, but why does Bettis get a better house than me?”
God replies, “That’s not Jerome’s house. It’s mine.”
Door-to-Door Service…
The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive,
Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. The man should be here soon.”
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang
the door-bell, hoping to make a sale.
“Good morning madam. I’ve come to…”
“Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you,” Mrs. Smith cut in.
“Really?” the photographer asked. “Well, good! I’ve made a specialty of
babies.”
“That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.”
After a moment she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?”
“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch
and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun
too; you can really spread out!”
“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and me.”
“Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try
several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure
you’ll be pleased with the results.”
“My, that’s a lot of …” gasped Mrs. Smith.
“Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and
out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure.”
“Don’t I know it.” Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus.”
“Oh, my God!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
“And these twins turned out exceptionally well-when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with.”
“She was difficult?” asked Mrs. Smith.
“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look.”
“Four and five deep?” asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
“Yes”, the photographer said. “For more than three hours, too. The mother
was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then
darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.”
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “You mean they actually chewed on your,
um…equipment?”
“That’s right. Well, madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so that
we can get to work.”
“Tripod??”
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big for
me to hold up by myself for very long… Madam? Madam?
LESSON to be learned from typing the wrong email address:
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.
Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.
Meanwhile…some where in Houston… a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a Minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted.
The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Date: Friday, October 13, 2005
Subject: I have Arrived!
Dearest Love:
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send email to your loved ones.
I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
PS … Sure is freaking hot down here!!
The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years a go? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.”
"Yes, she says, “I remember it well.”
“OK,” he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?”
“Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good idea!”
There’s a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, “I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble.”
So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn’t know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The Policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing. I’ve got to ask them what their secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret! to this?”
The old man says, “Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.”
The Alabama preacher said to his Congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.”
No one moved.
The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, “Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”
The preacher fainted, and the congregation roared!
Wilma and her husband Barney go to church every Sunday, and during the service Barney falls asleep. One afternoon Wilma goes to the priest and asks what she can do. The priest hands her a needle and tells her to prick him with it everytime he falls asleep.
The next week at church Barney falls asleep while the priest is talking and when the priest asks who is our savior? Wilma pokes him with the needle and he yells out JESUS!!Soon after that he goes back to sleep. The next question the priest asks is: Who is Jesus’s Father? Wilma pokes him with the needle and Barney yells out GOD!!and goes back to sleep. The last question the priest asks is what did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time? Wilma pricks him with the needle again and he yells:IF YOU POKE THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I’LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR Ass!!
A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.
When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.
Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing.
The guy next to him asked: “Why are you laughing?”
“I was thinking about my own funeral” the man replied.
“What’s so funny about that?”
“I’m a gynecologist.”
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells him, “you look like Einstein, but some people will go to great lengths to sneak into heaven. Can you prove you’re Einstein?” Einstein ponders for a few seconds and then asks, “can I have a blackboard and chalk?” St. Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe in arcane mathmatics and symbols, his theory of relativity. St. Peter is suitably impressed. “You really are Einstein!” With a motion of his hand, St. Peter welcomes Einstein into heaven.
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, St. Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, “do you mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?” St. Peter replies, “sure, go ahead.” Picasso erases Einstein’s equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of the chalk. St. Peter marvels at the picture and exclaims, “you really are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!”
Then St. Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. St. Peter scratches his head and says, “Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity, can you prove yours?”
Dubya looks bewildered and says, “who are Picasso and Einstein?”
St. Peter sighs and says, “come on in George.”
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won’t
stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring.
He replies, “I have a question to ask you, but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and
have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just
about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I
would find offensive."
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me.” She responds,
"Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and
#2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I am single and I’m
Catholic!”
“OK” the Nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
The Nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?”
"Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied. I must confess, I’m married and I’m
Jewish."
The nun says, "That’s OK, my name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween
party."
An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy
boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He
did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could
have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in
frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked
up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered
her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police
station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed and
placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman
approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the
booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal
effects. He said, "I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled
up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the
guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. “I noticed the
‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper
sticker, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the
chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed
you had stolen the car.”
A farmer decides he wants to raise hogs, as well as plow the fields. So he buys some pigs and waits for nature to take it’s course.
Nothing happens. All the pigs do is lay around the pigpen. So the farmer talks to the county extension agent, who tells him that if the pigs won’t breed on their own, he may have to resort to artificial insemination. Not wanting to admit he doesn’t know what that is, the farmer leaves.
He thinks about it for a while and decided it must mean that he has to “take care of business” himself. So he loads the pigs in the back of his truck, drives to a secluded spot in the woods, and proceeds to do just that.
Still nothing happens, all the pigs will do is lay around in the pigpen. So the farmer tries repeating the procedure.
And still nothing happens. One day the farmer’s wife comes home from shopping, and as she walks up to the door the farmer calls out “Honey, are the pigs still laying around in the pen?” In a bewildered voice she replies…
“No, they got in the truck when I came home, and now they’re honking the horn!”
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle
Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports
for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel
Manager’s door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is
backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so
the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are
Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to
pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of
Tickle Me Elmo’! s.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small
marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of
fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the
little package between Elmo’s legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and
approaches Lena .
“I’m sorry,” he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,
“but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you
yesterday…”
A man goes to a doctor for a general examination and physical. During the course of the procedure, the Dr says to the man “you have to stop masturbating!”. The man angrily replies to the DR. “You are such a prude, and I think you must be a quack, there is nothing medically harmful in simple masturbation!” The doctorsays “Indeed, and in the privacy of your own home, you can do it as much as you wish, but right now it is interfering with the examination, and you must stop imeadiatly!”
