[QUOTE=Der Trihs]
A few I have :
A brilliant gynecologist got bored. His work was dull, and every woman he dated seemed like just another impatient patient. So he quit his practice and went to auto mechanic’s school.
He soared through every class, making top marks every time. Then came the final exam. He had to diagnose, tear down and reassemble an engine, while being timed.
The next day, he was called into the office. All the instructors and the principal were there.
“Doctor, this has never happened before. You scored 150 on your final.”
“How’s that possible? You said the highest score was 100.”
He spread out the charts. “You diagnosed every problem, even one we weren’t aware of. You tore down the engine and reassembled it perfectly, in record time. And, gosh, we had to give you extra credit for doing it all through the muffler.”
[/QUOTE]
Now this one, I like!
Some of my favorites:
Peyton Manning dies and goes to Heaven. God tells him that because he’s lived a good life, he gets a very special perk: his own house.
Peyton’s house is a comfortable little bungalow painted in blue and white, with the Colts logo on the porch flag. God says, “This is a very special privilege, Peyton. Not everyone gets a house in Heaven.”
Peyton then notices the house next door. It’s three stories tall, painted in black and gold, with a 50-foot flagpole flying a huge Steelers flag and a Terrible Towel in every window. A pimped-out black SUV with gold trim sits in front of the house, with “The Bus” painted in gold on the side. Peyton turns to God and asks, “God, I hate to sound like I’m complaining, but why does Bettis get a better house than me?”
God replies, “That’s not Jerome’s house. It’s mine.”
Door-to-Door Service…
The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive,
Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. The man should be here soon.”
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang
the door-bell, hoping to make a sale.
“Good morning madam. I’ve come to…”
“Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you,” Mrs. Smith cut in.
“Really?” the photographer asked. “Well, good! I’ve made a specialty of
babies.”
“That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.”
After a moment she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?”
“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch
and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun
too; you can really spread out!”
“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and me.”
“Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try
several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure
you’ll be pleased with the results.”
“My, that’s a lot of …” gasped Mrs. Smith.
“Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and
out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure.”
“Don’t I know it.” Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus.”
“Oh, my God!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
“And these twins turned out exceptionally well-when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with.”
“She was difficult?” asked Mrs. Smith.
“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look.”
“Four and five deep?” asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
“Yes”, the photographer said. “For more than three hours, too. The mother
was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then
darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.”
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “You mean they actually chewed on your,
um…equipment?”
“That’s right. Well, madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so that
we can get to work.”
“Tripod??”
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big for
me to hold up by myself for very long… Madam? Madam?
LESSON to be learned from typing the wrong email address:
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.
Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.
Meanwhile…some where in Houston… a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a Minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted.
The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Date: Friday, October 13, 2005
Subject: I have Arrived!
Dearest Love:
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send email to your loved ones.
I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
PS … Sure is freaking hot down here!!
The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years a go? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.”
"Yes, she says, “I remember it well.”
“OK,” he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?”
“Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good idea!”
There’s a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, “I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble.”
So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn’t know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The Policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing. I’ve got to ask them what their secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret! to this?”
The old man says, “Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.”
The Alabama preacher said to his Congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.”
No one moved.
The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, “Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”
The preacher fainted, and the congregation roared!
Wilma and her husband Barney go to church every Sunday, and during the service Barney falls asleep. One afternoon Wilma goes to the priest and asks what she can do. The priest hands her a needle and tells her to prick him with it everytime he falls asleep.
The next week at church Barney falls asleep while the priest is talking and when the priest asks who is our savior? Wilma pokes him with the needle and he yells out JESUS!!Soon after that he goes back to sleep. The next question the priest asks is: Who is Jesus’s Father? Wilma pokes him with the needle and Barney yells out GOD!!and goes back to sleep. The last question the priest asks is what did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time? Wilma pricks him with the needle again and he yells:IF YOU POKE THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I’LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR Ass!!
A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.
When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.
Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing.
The guy next to him asked: “Why are you laughing?”
“I was thinking about my own funeral” the man replied.
“What’s so funny about that?”
“I’m a gynecologist.”
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells him, “you look like Einstein, but some people will go to great lengths to sneak into heaven. Can you prove you’re Einstein?” Einstein ponders for a few seconds and then asks, “can I have a blackboard and chalk?” St. Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe in arcane mathmatics and symbols, his theory of relativity. St. Peter is suitably impressed. “You really are Einstein!” With a motion of his hand, St. Peter welcomes Einstein into heaven.
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, St. Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, “do you mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?” St. Peter replies, “sure, go ahead.” Picasso erases Einstein’s equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of the chalk. St. Peter marvels at the picture and exclaims, “you really are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!”
Then St. Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. St. Peter scratches his head and says, “Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity, can you prove yours?”
Dubya looks bewildered and says, “who are Picasso and Einstein?”
St. Peter sighs and says, “come on in George.”
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won’t
stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring.
He replies, “I have a question to ask you, but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and
have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just
about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I
would find offensive."
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me.” She responds,
"Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and
#2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I am single and I’m
Catholic!”
“OK” the Nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
The Nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?”
"Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied. I must confess, I’m married and I’m
Jewish."
The nun says, "That’s OK, my name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween
party."
An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy
boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He
did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could
have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in
frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked
up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered
her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police
station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed and
placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman
approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the
booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal
effects. He said, "I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled
up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the
guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. “I noticed the
‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper
sticker, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the
chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed
you had stolen the car.”
