I Apologize in Advance

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when
he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You
have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were
there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got
shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know

“What dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with

“I think you’re bad luck.”


Welcome to the Straight Dope. You’ll find that not only are we a friendly, snarky bunch, but some of the smartest people on earth walk these hallways.

Congratulations on your first post! It was well-written, correctly-punctuated, and you actually put this post in the correct forum.

Quite honestly, I’m not sure I have ever seen a first post by a new user that wasn’t a wall of poorly-punctuated (or even puncuation-less) drivel about some poor sap’s love life (or lack thereof). Thank you, thank you, thank you for not making your first post a sad plea for relationship help from a bunch of strangers.

You just might work out here, and we may have a long and satisfying relationship full of witty repartee.

I am sure someone will be along shortly to ask you how you feel about goats.

The husband is very old and frail, and finally his doctor warns him, “Look, your health is just too precarious. You can never have sex again. It might be fatal.”

So his wife starts sleeping downstairs, and the husband stays in the bed where they slept together for more than forty years. A week passes, then a month, then finally the husband can stand it no longer, He gets out of bed and starts downstairs. Midway down the stairs, he meets his wife coming up.

“Dear”, says the husband, “I can’t go on any longer. I was coming downstairs to commit suicide.”

“That’s okay”, says his wife. “I was coming upstairs to kill you.”


A man goes to the doctor and complains that his body ‘hurts all over’.
The doctor asks the man to demonstrate.

The man touches his head and goes “Ouch!”
The man touches his chest and goes “Ouch!”
The man touches his stomach and goes “Ouch!”
The man touches his knee and goes “Ouch!”

The doctor stays calm. “You’ve got … a bruised fingertip.”

That’s an old blonde joke made PC. :slight_smile:

“A” was walking down the street with a banana stuck in his ear. He met “B.”

B: “You’ve got a banana stuck in your ear.”
A: “Huh”?
B: (Louder) “I said you’ve got a banana stuck in your ear.”
A: (Holding hand to ear) “Huh”?
B: (Yelling) “I said you’ve got a banana stuck in your ear!!”
A: “Sorry, I can’t hear you. I have a banana stuck in my ear.”

And BTW: “Stay off my lawn!”

– ASGuy

Huh. I always heard it as an old man joke, even when I thought blonde jokes were the best thing ever.

Since we’re channeling Woody Allen today:

Two old Jewish ladies are having lunch in a diner.

A: Ugh, the food here is poison.
B: And such small portions, too.

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four mothers and their small children.

“You all have terrible obsessions,” he said. He turned to the first mother and continued: “For example, you are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy.”

He turned to the second mom. “Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name: Penny.”

He turned to the third mom. “Your obsession is alcohol, and your child’s name is Brandy.”

Suddenly, the fourth mother stood up, took her little boy by the hand and said, “Let’s go home, Dick.”

Q. What’s brown and sticky.

A. A stick!

The psychiatrist is showing a new patient some Rorschach inkblots.

He shows the patient the first inkblot, and asks him what he sees.

“That’s a man and a woman having sex.”

He shows the patient the second inkblot. The patient says, “That’s two men and a woman having sex.”

He shows the patient the third inkblot. The patient says, “That’s two men, four women, and a chicken, having sex.”

“Well,” the psychiatrist says, “I think I see the trouble. You are obsessed with sex.”

“Waddya mean I’m obsessed?” says the patient. “You’re the one with all the dirty pictures!”


One of these days, we’re going to have a joke thread and this one won’t show up, and the clouds will part and the angels will sing… :stuck_out_tongue:


An old man brings his ailing wife to the doctor. The doctor takes the old lady back to examine her as the man waits it out. After a few hours the doctor comes out scratching his head.

Concerned, the man asks, “what is it doctor? What’s wrong with my wife?”
“This is one of the oddest cases I’ve ever seen,” the doctor tells him, “We’ve run every test we know of but we can only narrow it down to two things. Sir, your wife either has AIDS or Alzheimer’s.”

Shocked, the man asks the doctor, “what should I do?”
“Well,” the doctor tells him, “I’d say, take her out for a nice long ride in the country, find a nice quiet spot, let her out of the car, leave her there and drive home.”
“Oh my god,” the man exclaims, “that seems kind of drastic, will that cure her somehow?”
“No,” the doc says, " but if she finds her way home, don’t fuck her."

“Now men”, says the chaplain on the Navy ship as it nears harbor. “This is a nasty port, and I want you all to be smart about your sexual choices. Half the hookers in this port have AIDS, and the rest have tuberculosis.”

“What does that mean?” asks the new recruit of a grizzled veteran.

“If she don’t cough - don’t fuck her!”


What did the farmer say when he couldn’t find his tractor?

Where’s my tractor?

Holy hell, I just remembered hearing my dad tell this joke about a million years ago. I don’t know if I’ve heard it since.

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan!

A man approaches his rabbi, with a look of pain across his face.

Man: Rabbi, my son has converted to Christianity. What should I do?
Rabbi: You, too? My son has converted to Christianity. Let’s ask the wise old Rebbe.
Rabbi: Rebbe, our sons have converted to Christianity, what should we do?
Rebbe: You, too? My son has converted to Christianity. We must pray to G-D for help.

All three men fall to their knees and begin to pray.
Rebbe: G-d almighty, please help us. Our sons have converted to Christianity!


Thank you for that!

The only one I have to offer is : What’s brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr Dre.

A woman chooses to end her life by jumping off a bridge. As she’s standing on the bridge, a dirty, unkempt man walking by notices her:

“Ma’am, I’m sorry for whatever you’re going through, but if you’re going to do it anyway, would you mind having sex with me first? I’m just very lonely and it’s been a long time.”

“Ew, no, that’s disgusting.” she says.

He sighs, a little disappointed.

“Fine, I’ll wait at the bottom.”