Mom finds a large number of BDSM magazines beneath her sons bed.
Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss. “What do you think we should do?” she asks. Father frowns and responds “Well I guess spanking him is out of the question”
“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
After trick-or-treating,
a teen takes a shortcut home
through the cemetery. Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots
an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.
“I thought you were a ghost,” says the relieved teen. “What are you doing working so late?”
“Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!”
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea.
If a fly is called a fly because it flies, why is a bee called a bee?
Because it is.
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "Look, your husband is gravely ill. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.
“First, each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.
“Second, at lunch time, make him a hot nutritious meal, rub his feet and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.
“Third, for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don’t burden him with household or yard chores of any kind.
“Fourth, have sex with him whenever he asks and satisfy his every whim.”
On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said to her.
“You’re going to die,” she replied.
A hooded robber burst into a Yooper bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door, a brave Yooper customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber’s face.
The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.
The robber instantly shot him also.
Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, “Well, did anyone else see my face?”
There were a few moments of utter silence. Everyone was plainly to afraid to speak.
Then one old Norwegian named Ole tentatively raised his hand without looking up and said, “My wife got a pretty good look at ya.”
What’s the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
Neil Armstrong walked on the moon and Michael Jackson fucks small children
A man goes to the doctor. He has a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other, and a grape stuck up each nostril.
The doctor takes one look at him, and says: “I know what your problem is. You’re not eating right.”
A sadist and a masochist are having sex. The masochist says, “Hit me, beat me, tie me up, hurt me!”
The sadist says, “No.”
I always loved a joke that Victor Borge used. He would hold up a watch and say, “My grandfather gave me this watch on his deathbed.”
perfectly timed pause
“For twenty bucks.”
A young man on a cruise ship is having the time of his life. But, on the second night of the cruise, the ship sinks in a storm. He manages to cling to a piece of driftwood, and awakes next morning, dazed, lying on the beach of a tropical island. He turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She has also managed to wash ashore from the sinking ship. He crawls over to her and gives mouth-to-mouth resuscitation until she eventually shows signs of life.
She looks up at him, wide-eyed, and says, “You saved my life! I’m so grateful, you’re my hero.”
He suddenly realizes that the woman is his fantasy crush, Jennifer Lawrence!
Days and weeks go by. Jennifer and our chap are living on the island together. They have fun building a palm hut for shelter. There’s fresh water, plenty of fruit on the trees and fish in the sea. They are marooned, but marooned in a tropical paradise. And soon, Jennifer falls for him, and they make passionate love morning, noon and night.
But, after a few weeks, our hero becomes morose.
“What’s the matter, sweetheart?” she asks. “Although we’re stranded here alone, we have a wonderful life together in this paradise, and I’m in love with you. What’s wrong? Is there anything I can do to make your happy?”
He says, “Actually, Jennifer, there is. There’s something…missing. Would you mind putting on my clothes?”
She’s a little puzzled, but shrugs it off.
“Sure,” she says, “if it will make you feel better.”
“Okay, now if you would put on my hat, and draw a little moustache on your face?” he asks. She’s now thinking maybe he’s bisexual or has some fetish, but she acquiesces.
“Now, please start walking clockwise around the perimeter of the island."
She sets off along the beach.
He sets off counterclockwise, and twenty minutes later they approach one another on the far side of the island. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says,
“Mate, mate! You’ll never believe who I’m shagging!"
Four guys are on the back nine, ready to tee off. Bob sees a funeral procession coming down the nearby road. He pauses, takes off his hat and bows his head.
It passes, and he hits a perfect shot, landing right on the green.
He and George climb into the cart to head off for the green. George says, "That was a nice show of respect, Bob. Did you know the deceased?
Bob replies, “Know her? I was married to her the last 45 years!”
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
For Drizzle!
golf clap!
A couple is interviewed by the local paper on the occasion of their 60th anniversary. The wife proudly proclaims they have never had an argument, and looks smugly at her husband for confirmation.
“It’s true” he says.
"On our honeymoon we went to the Grand Canyon and took the burro ride down into the canyon. About a third of the way down her burro stumbled and she said "That’s one’ We go about half the rest of the way and her burro stumbles again, and she says ‘That’s two.’ Just before we get to the bottom it stumbles * again* and my bride pulls out a gun and shoots the burro dead. ‘Dear! I exclaim, isn’t that being a little harsh?’ She looks at me and replies ‘That’s one.’ "
A true one-liner: Did you hear the one about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods?
Continuing the dying man theme…
An old man is lying on his bed, very near death. He is just about to slip away when he smells his favorite aroma: his wife’s famous chocolate chip cookies baking. He wants one last cookie before he dies. He summons up his last bit of strength and rolls off the bed. He crawls across the floor to the stairway, half falling, half rolling down the steps one at a time until he is at the bottom.
He drags himself into the kitchen where a rack of freshly baked cookies sit cooling on the table. Finally arriving at the table, he reaches one hand up to grab a cookie. His wife immediately slaps his hand with a metal spatula. “Those are for the funeral, you jackass!”
What’s the difference between plastic bag and Michael Jackson?
None. They are both dangerous to children when applied to the head.
Why was Jared Fogle fired by Subway?
Because there’s nothing “fresh” about 40-year-old meat inside 9-year-old buns.
What’s been the theme of Jared Fogle’s career?
Getting into smaller pants.
Have you heard Quiznos’ new ad slogan?
“At least we don’t fuck kids!”
I find this one interesting. It has the “Eww” punchline, which is supposed to make you chuckle a bit (if you are a terrible person, of course).
Then you imagine the scene, where the man starts walking back toward one end of the bridge, the woman watches him for a second, and leaves the bridge walking the other direction. Maybe the man did get what he wanted.
No, no, thank YOU. I literally laughed out loud. Woke up the dog. 
Q: What special rescue vehicle is sent to steamroller accidents?
A: A flatulance
Q: What did the slug say to the snail?
A: “Big Issue sir?”