Joke lines you can never use in real life... maybe.

I’m sure there are lines you’d like to say, if only the situation would arise. But how often are you going to be in a situation where you’ll meet a masturbating indian so you can ask, “Winding your watch?” What I’m looking for here are joke lines that you have used, in a situation that exactly fits the joke. Here’s my example:

I worked with a woman whose husband is a funeral director. She came to work smiling happily one morning and said, “Guess what, everybody? Chuck [her husband] got a promotion!”

I looked at her and said, “Really? How many people does he have under him?” :smiley:

Who would’ve thought that I would be working with a woman whose husband is a funeral director, and that he’d get a promotion? That’s not something that happens every day. So what lines have you used that were approrpiate to an unusual situation? (Not like when I was in Boston, and woman asked, “How do you find Boston?” and I told her, “Take off from L.A. and fly east.” Looking for stuff that “doesn’t happen”.)

…“winding your watch” ?

Sorry Uke, I thought everyone knew that old joke.

A cowboy’s riding in the American West. He sees an indian lying on the ground with an erection. The cowboy says, “What are you doing?” The indian replies that he’s checking the time. The cowboy asks what time it is, and upon receiving an answer he checks his watch. The indian is right. The cowboy rides for a couple of hours and sees another indian lying on the ground, sporting an erection. The cowboy says, “What are you doing?” The indian replies that he’s checking the time. The cowboy asks what time it is, and upon receiving an answer he checks his watch. The indian is right. The cowboy rides along for a while and sees an indian lying on the ground and masturbating. They cowboy asks, “What are you doing?” The indian says, “Winding my watch.”

So, Dopers, have you ever had the opporunity to use the punchline of a joke as a real-life response to an unlikely situation (like I did with the funeral director’s wife)?

i don’t get the funeral director joke.

Running joke with the wife before we were married. She had to wear panty hose for work, so about every week or so she’s ask me to pick them up for her. The conversation would go as follows…

Mrs. WEW “While you’re at the store, pick up some hose.”

WEW, “Garden?”

Mrs. WEW, “No, panty”
This went on for years.

A few years ago, we were at the hardware store. She commented that we needed pick up a hose.

Mrs. WEW “While we’re at the store, pick up a hose.”

WEW, “Panty?”

Mrs. WEW, “No, garden”

I don’t know how well it translates in type, but it was a very funny moment IRL.

My wife was once in line at the grocery store behind a guy who was buying Windex, paper towels and light bulbs. She wanted to say “A Clean, Well-lighted Place?”, but the guy didn’t look like the well-read type to my wife.

saepiroth, it’s a double entendre.

i noticed that…

it was just such a bad one that i though there was more to it.

What made it funny is that it a joke (admittedly bad) that you’d think would never happen in real life, that did happen in real life.

Ok a priest, a rabbi and the President of the United States walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says “What is this? Some kind of joke?”

Back when I was in Junior High or thereabouts (small town New Mexico), one of the women in our immediate neighborhood came over to my Dad as he was trimming the edge where the lawn grass comes up against the sidewalk, and after he had been weeding for a few hours prior to that, and was therefore surrounded by weed bags and garden tools, etc…

Neighbor: Hey, you do nice work! What do you charge?

Dad: :smiley: Well, actually, the lady of the house lets me sleep with her!

MY wife works as a bartender at a pub. At the end of everynight the DJ will get on his mic and say “Well folks its time to close up here at the — so if you don’t work here or not sleeping with some one who does get the fuck out!” Directly after that a new security guard walks up to me and says “sir your gonna have to leave now” I then got to say “its ok i’m sleeping with the bartender”

Not funny I know; but you asked. :slight_smile:

Back in 1988, when Jesse Jackson was running for President, he came to my town to speak. My friends and I were doing crowd control outside the auditorium. A black limosine pulled up and six secret service agents in full regalia (black suits, sunglasses, earphones) got out. A friend of mine walked up to them and said with a friendly, welcoming straight face, “Well hello! You all must be the a capella choir! Why don’t you just head this way!”
They didn’t. But at least they neither shot, nor arrested him.

I use to work with a guy who was one big Pain in the Ass. Everyone had that opinion of him.

He announced he was taking time off for an operation, and we found out it was for hemmoroids, and the proctologist was Dr. White. Our Big Boss also knew another Dr. White. So one day I’m taking dictation from the Big Boss when the phone rings, he puts it on speaker and has the following conversation:

Phone: Is so-and-so there?
BB: No, maybe I can help you?
Phone: Tell him to call Dr. White’s office?
BB: Is that Dr. White the veternarian?

The Big Boss couldn’t understand why I was suddenly doubled over and shaking with laughter. It was five minutes before I could even explain it to him.

So I’m buying condoms.

Clerk: That comes to $3.44. (I pay) Thank you, have a good evening.
Me: Yep, that’s the idea.

Along the same line as matt’s…

I ws buying a 6 pack of beer, a bottle of aspirin and a box of condoms.

Young male checker, “Hi. How are you tonight?”

Me,“I’ll be better soon.”

He turned bright red after I said that and he noticed my only 3 things I was purchasing.

Whenever I hear someone say “ouch” I’m often reminded of the line…

and the ant said to the elephant “yeah, take it all bitch.”

So, a couple of months after Hurricaine Floyd ravaged the east coast, my father is attempting to repair a machine in his shop that was damaged by the flood. Foolishly, he stickes his index finger into the inoperative workings while it is plugged in and switched on. Lo and behold, the stuff starts working and he gets the tip of his finger removed (about 1 inch worth) Much chaos ensues, and he is driven to the hospital by one of his employees.

Some quick doctoring at the emergency room, and his finger is stiched closed (the severed piece long gone at this point) My father turns to the doctor and asks “Will I be able to play the piano once this heals?” The doctor replies “Sure, I don’t see why not.” My dad says “Hey, that’s great! I’ve never been able to play it before!”

Dad tells me this and says that he’s been waiting 30 years for the perfect lead-in to that punchline…

I’m glad I’m not the only one.

I work in a drug store. We sell condoms. I always, always have to bite my tongue to keep the leer out of my “Have a nice night!” (Or avoid the statement altogether. I do mean it to be friendly, but I can’t help but feel that it is a leer, that I’m privy to something that perhaps I shouldn’t be. Of course, when its two kids who haven’t removed their tongues from each other’s throats since they walked in, I’m less sensitive.)

Here’s hoping I NEVER hear from my doctor “Oh there’s my thermometer…now where did I leave my pen?”
So I’m judging a debate tournament this weekend. It’s the quarterfinals and I excuse myself five minutes before the round starts to get something quick to eat (Judge’s lounge, milk it for all it’s worth). I come back and, as I enter the room, one of the debaters says to me “We were just discussing paradigms, do you have any?”
I immediately shot back with “No, but I have four nickels.”
I’ve never heard a wave a groans roll across a room before.