I have a tendancy to quote the Simpson’s. Most of the time it goes over well, but sometimes I have to refrain when the setting isn’t appropriate. For example, I work in a grocery store, and every time I pass by the apples I’m tempted to shout, “Oh boy! Buffalo testicles!”, but I’m quite certain the elderly shoppers would not find the humour in it.
My boss is pretty good with lines. Whenever someone asks her if she has any large bills, she responds with, “No, they’re all the same size. The government prints them that way.”
Of course this wouldn’t work in countries where the bills actually ARE different sizes.
When conversation turns to plants or gardening, I find it hard not to interrupt with “You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think.”
Mostly people just look at me for a moment. Sometimes they close their eyes and shake their heads.
So at one time I worked for the CBS Television Network at its 57th Street Broadcast Center in NYC. And one fine sunny day I walk out the front door to get a sandwich for lunch and there, THERE, is a Midwestern Tourist. (I’m from Milwaukee, I know That Look.)
“Umm, miss,” she says, “I was wondering–can you tell me how to get to Carnegie Hall?”
I burst into laughter and delivered the famous line:
“Practice, lady, practice!”
Then I quickly explained that New Yorkers weren’t ACTUALLY like that, and that she had turned west instead of east on 57th Street. I’m not sure she believed me about the non-rude part.
In my FIRST paid job in broadcasting, I worked for a TV station in Baltimore. Before the days of TelePrompters, you physically typed–on a typewriter, kids, ask your mom–the editorial script for the General Manager: “WJZ-TV takes a strong stand against mass murder and in favor of brushing your teeth…” The machine was an IBM electric (not the spinning ball type) which had enormous letters, about an inch high, on little type hammer. There was a lot of stress on them, and one week the “A” head snapped off, then the “E.” This meant I had to hand letter each of these into the editorial script using felt-tip. So we called the IBM repairman.
The lobby receptionist called to tell me he had arrrived.
As I crossed the lobby to get him, I realized a golden opportunity like this could not be wasted. “I’m SO glad you’re here,” I said. My typewriter has a TERRIBLE case of loose vowels."
I got into trouble about that. Program Director overheard it…and he had no sense of humor.
I am still longing to meet an archeologist so that I can introduce him a dinner parties as “someone whose career lies in ruins”
[aside]
My ex-boss told me the story (and I trust the source, as UL as it sounds) of a friend of his who was at medical school, and cramming (in the disecting room) for an anatomy exam on the forearm. He was running out of time and decided to sever the cadavers hand and smuggle it home with him so that he could finish his studies (Highly illegal). On his way home (with his concealed forearm), he was waiting at the pedestrian crossing with an old lady, laden with parcels. As the lights changed, the parcels began to slip and she turned to him and said…
It was one of those pivotal moments when your life can go in one of two directions - this person stepped up to the challange, was expelled from Medical school and eventually went on to become a succesfull business man.
[/aside]
Once one of my friends and I were out at a bar one night, drinking and what-not. We were already pretty lit up when we started talking to this group of women. One in particular had a head that was about three times as tall as it was wide. My buddy abruptly looked over at her and deadpanned, “Why the long face?”
I’ve just spurted hot chocolate through my nose. Hilarious!
There goes the hot chocolate again.
Brilliant! The man didn’t have a choice, he had to do it, a chance like that comes but once a lifetime; it would have been a crime against comedy not to say it!
So, I had recently arrived in Brussels to work on a project and the regional manager was taking the team out to lunch. She sits down next to me and asks,
Her: “So, how do you find Brussels?”
Me: “Easy, I took a left at Antwerp and there it was.”
Let’s just say comedy doesn’t always work with the English-as-a-second-language crowd.
Update: the other night at the pharmacy I bought some more condoms, some lube, and two boxes of Glosette’s chocolate almonds. The clerk pointedly did NOT say “Have a good evening.” In fact, I think she was too horrified at the thought of what I was planning to do with the chocolate almonds that she couldn’t say anything at all.
Moving right along, my phonology professor warned us that the next unit would be …stressful.
So I threatened to have him disenvoweled.
In a similar vein, after years of waiting, I finally got the chance to use this one.
On a Chicago bus:
I was sitting near the bus driver and the doors open. A lady asks “Does this bus go to da Loop?” And I sez “No. It goes beep! beep!” The bus driver and I had a good chuckle - the lady, just confused.
grimpixie, great story and great telling! I hope the school administrator that kicked him out had a good laugh when no one was looking.
Mr. S has a hiatal hernia (and therefore chronic heartburn) and nearly always carries Rolaids or Alka-Mints on his person. One day we were out and about and he realized he didn’t have any. So we pulled into a gas station and he went in, grabbed two or three rolls, and went to pay for them. The cashier asked, as per routine, “Do you have gas?”
[You can insert a smart line here, but frankly I don’t think we need one. Ba-dum bum.]
I saw an interesting pun on a restroom wall. A mere two days later, at work, a co-worker was wistfully hoping that he’d meet a woman with no hair on her tender parts. I told him he ought to just find a gal with normal hair, and nibble it off. “You’ll get a new name, though,” I told him. “We’ll have to call you Adolf Oliver Bush !”
Two of em. One for me, one for my friend. Mine was basically the punchline of a joke, with no setup. Always wanted to say this line when walking into a room with someone else: “Rectum? I nearly killed em!” Yeah, kinda stupid. Finally got the chance a few weeks ago, with a friend that got the inside joke. We thought it was funny.
Same friend, with his ex-wife, got the perfect setup to a Three Stooges line. She was walking down the hall, he was heading up the hall towards her. She ran into him, he said “Why I oughta”. She comes back with “You oughtta what?”, he of course responds with Curly’s line “I oughta be more careful.” Written, it’s not as funny as when we were all there. Pretty much caused the whole room to lose it.
