Another line I’m dying to use is the “Pretentious, moi?” line from Fawlty Towers.
Actually… that’s not true, I use it all the time, but always out of context - I guess I am waiting to be accused of being pretentious!!! 
Gp
I heard this long ago. I can’t remember just who was the person involved, but it happened years ago. A student came in to the classroom early (before the teacher) and wrote two words on the board. One was “hoof.” Directly beneath that he wrote “hearted.” The teacher came in as class began, saw the writing and read aloud, “Hoof, hearted.” Wiseass student replies, “I don’t know, teacher, but it sure wasn’t me!!” Got sent to the principal’s office, but I bet the laugh he got was worth it!! 
Bwhaahaa!
Must remember… can’t wait.
heh heh,
hoof hearted,
heh heh heh heh.
::Tries desperately to keep head from exploding due to suppressed laughter. Almost succeeds::
I once knew a woman who kept (I saw it) a jar of Grey Poupon™ in her glove box. But that’s neither here nor there.
I used to work in the college bookstore. While I got along well with my boss, he continually had me rolling my eyes at his perceived comedic godhead.
I came in one day and could tell right away that he had been waiting all morning for an audience to spring his latest lame joke on. He started hopping across the floor, waiting for me to give the obligatory “Um, okay, so what the hell are you doing?”
He stared conspiratorially at me and whispered, “It’s my new electric underwear.” He paused for his great punchline, “I think I have a SHORT!”
Oh, ho ho, bwa ha ha you’re so funny.
So for the rest of the morning I had to stand there while he replayed the thing for every staff member who wandered by, until my eyeballs were practically orbiting my skull. I couldn’t take it any more…
“…I think I have a SHORT!”
I snapped, “A short WHAT?!” (You could see it coming. He didn’t)
I had to admit, it was pretty cool, for the rest of the day, to watch all the aforementioned staff bust out laughing every time they passed the store again.
I always heard it like this:
A doctor went to write something on a patient’s chart. He grabbed a thermometer out of his pocket and tried to write with it. He then exclaimed, “Hey! Some asshole has my pen!”
In junior high algebra class, I asked my teacher “What would be the simplified form of 2 times the quantity 2q plus 3q?”
He wrote down the problem and worked it out:
2(2q + 3q)
2(5q)
10q
He then repeated the answer aloud, “Ten Q”.
I replied, “You’re welcome.”
He then threw a basketball at me. Glad he wasn’t the javelin coach. :D:D
Back in the '80s I knew a guy who put that on the back of his camper.
Another one:
I was working as the grillman at a Wendy’s, supplying patties to both the walk-in and drive-thru sandwich makers. After a grueling lunch rush, the girl working the drive-thru register exclaimed, “I have had it!”
I replied, “Oh? How many times?” :D:D:D
Wouldn’t they have had to swallow the store again before passing it again?
I don’t know how well this fits, but my mom went through a phase where she would introduce my sister and I as “my husband’s children by his first wife,” with appropriate smarminess, and then, perhaps later perhaps not, let them know that she was his first wife…
Ahh… childhood…
Tenebras
One time I got the saying wrong and said “you can lead a horticulture but you can’t make her DRINK”.
Now that’s funny.
Another one I remember that was probably funnier if you were there:
One day in the restaurant all the waitrons were teasing the busboy, telling him he had no friends. He said with mock mournfulness, “I do too have friends! Myron, you’re my friend, isn’t that right?”
Without missing a beat I said, “But you didn’t pay me the five dollars this week.”
YMCA campout with the daughters and a dad is smoking a big fat cigar. someone ask how long he has smoked cigars blah blah blah. someone else says “the cigar reminds me of my grandfather” and the smoker ask “why did your grandfather smoke cigars?”. pregnant pause and then the guy says “yes”. I jumped up and down and said he blew it , the correct answer is “no he stunk and I hated him”. I would have said the line but I thought the other guy was. its was the best natural joke moment missed I have ever witnessed.