Real life events that were really funny

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

My brother and I were shooting pool at a one pool table bar in Las Vegas, Nevada.

Now, my brother was (now deceased) a pool aficionado. Played by the rules and didn’t allow any slop shots.

A middle age couple came in and asked if they could have the table for a game. We said, “Sure, go for it”.

We watched as the lady spent a good three minutes racking the balls. My brother said, “Nice rack!”

She replied, in a serious tone, “Thank you, but I have to give credit to Dr. Abrams, he did the surgery”.

I thought it was hilarious. Years later when I recounted the story to my brother, he didn’t remember it. Probably only happen in Las Vegas.

2

An acquaintance was talking up his new girlfriend to his (female) boss. (female) boss says “So what is she, Like an A? B?” Apparently, that was her way of saying “Is she a 10?” or “Is she hot”. Acquaintance responds with “She’s a double D and she’s only 5’2’’!”

3

Sounds like the answer to the question to me. Why would a boss even ask that question?

4

It was at a company sponsored meeting where drinks were involved. He was talking her up, she was joking around asking if the girlfriend was hot. Not everyone works in the land of no middle ground where no one ever talks about anything other then business.
My understanding is that she realized that she asked an awkwardly phrased question, he totally misunderstood it, there was a little embarrassment all around and they all laughed and moved on.

5

In this office we sometimes get calls from people requesting a courier. One day my co-worker took a call from a lady with an accent. She couldn’t understand why the woman kept saying, “I have a B cup. A B cup!” but finally realized that she was asking for a pickup.

6

During childbirth classes, the instructor advised that, at some phase of the birthing procedure, that the cervix would be open four to six centimeters.
Having mis-heard her, I responded…
“FORTY SIX CENTIMETERS?!”

the silence, for a few seconds, was deafening.

7

More than a few years ago. my employee’s wife was pregnant. The day came and he told me X had the baby, a girl. I said “Congratulations! What did she weigh?” “Oh man, she got up to 230!”

8

Years ago, the wife of a clueless boss gave birth. Boss videotaped the entire process, with lots of zoomed details. Next day he brought copies of the tape to work, so each of us could take it home and watch it. :eek: We all dutifully took it home, but nobody watched it. Boss’s wife threw a fit when she found out about this. Within a year they were divorced.

Maybe more sad than funny.

9

While I was in Navy classroom training (more than 10 years ago), one of our instructors was relating the story of his karaoke weekend.

He couldn’t remember the name of the song he sang – all he could say was “it’s that song, ya know, from that movie”, and I immediately chimed in with “Total Eclipse of the Heart” and he says “Yeah, that’s it”. And the class erupts with laughter after a five second shocked pause. No one could believe I had actually guessed it out of thin air.

The movie, by the way, was Old School, which had recently come out, I think.

10

Another silly Navy story – in Bahrain, we were walking down to the pier after a night of drinking, me and a few crewmates, including the biggest guy on the submarine (a 6’5, 300 lb mechanic who played college football). This big guy gave me some brotherly insult, so I body check him (with the full understanding of how he will respond) with moderate force. I’m a pretty good sized guy, but he’s so big he barely stumbles. I know what’s coming, so I prepare myself – sure enough, he comes flying at me, shoulder lowered, and bowls me off my feet. I go flying, and somehow, execute a perfect 360 ninja roll, ending up back on my feet in perfect posture in seconds, in one smooth move. Everybody thought it was amazing, but unfortunately this was before smart phones, so nobody filmed it.

11

Several years ago, we lived in a dog-friendly apartment community. Got to know some people and their K9s. One morning, I’m walking the one dog, and here comes the cutie with her excellent Chow-Chow (sweetest dog ever!). My dog is on her 15 foot retractable leash and while I’m Who’s-a-good-doggie-ing with the C-C she wanders over to sniff the butt of a Boxer. Boxer’s twin trots over and gets the same treatment. I glance over my shoulder and see what’s happening, and call out, “Gracie, get your nose out of that pair of Boxers!” Boxers’s owner stops dead, C-C cutie stops dead, two people getting out of their car stop dead–everybody loses it. My finest hour. :slight_smile:

12

My daughter’s favorite story from my life:

When I graduated high school, I lived for a few months on a tiny farm. One of my jobs was to get up each morning and milk the six goats on the farm. I’d lead each full-uddered goat to the stall, strap her head into the feeding station, position my stool, and milk her into a metal pail.

There were two farm cats that would come to watch: a huge orange tom, and a gray queen. The farmer had told me about the orange tom, so when I was bored I would turn the goat’s teat toward him and squirt a jet of milk straight at his face. And I swear before God, that cat would open his mouth and drink the milk straight out of the air, lapping so quickly that he’d hardly spill a drop.

That gray queen would watch, too, so one day I tried it on her: I aimed the teat at her face and let fly. And you’ll never guess what she did:

Nothing.

Milk went everywhere: all over her eyes, her ears, her back. She was furious. She glared at me while licking all the milk off of herself–

and then kept staring at me, waiting for me to do it again.

For the rest of that summer, both cats would perch beside the milking stall, and every time the orange tom would open his mouth to drink the milk, and every time the gray queen would sit there with her fool mouth shut, never figuring out that if she’d just open her mouth she could drink the milk without getting drenched.

And yes, typing it up I can see how fantastically dirty the story sounds, but it never even occurred to me at the time.

13

I worked in radio for nearly 20 years earlier in my career. “Radio stories” would constitute a whole subcategory in itself for this thread; anyone who’s ever worked in the business has a bunch of them from their own experience or others they’ve worked with.

One out of dozens I’ve told many times over the years:

14

When I was a kid, I took a ballet class. One day, I was showing a friend the different steps and positions. I was very excited because I’d just learned to do a grand plié (basically a deep-knee bend with feet and knees turned out) without falling or wobbling. So I showed her a few simpler steps, and then proudly announced, “And THIS is a grand plié!” I swooped gracefully down… and promptly split my pants. She laughed so hard I thought she would pee.

Then a few days later, we were at her house, and she started telling her mom the hilarious story. Trying to be a good sport about it, I demonstrated the ill-fated grand plié… and farted. For a moment I was completely mortified, and then her mom cracked, “You didn’t have to do sound effects!” and we all lost it. We were literally rolling on the floor laughing.

15

I work from home, and go into the office maybe once a month, so new employees meeting me for the first time don’t know a) my personal life, nor b) my work habits. Back when I had only five kids, I went in and a new person meeting me, after a little conversation, he asked, “So, are you stopping at five?”

I answered, “Sometimes I work until six, depends if I’m in the middle of something.”

After which he clarified that he was asking if I was done having children. :smack:

16

Well, this story was funny to ME, I don’t know about anyone else.

Back in eight grade English class we had an assignment to do a dramtic reading in front of the rest of the class. I totally forgot about it, and arrived at class with only my textbook. So the teacher is taking us alphabetically, and as my name is early in the alphabet I’m pretending to listen while surreptitiously flipping through my textbook to see is anything will remotely fit the assignment. Out of desperation I choose selections from Longfellow’s poem Evangeline. I read the ending story, where Evangeline is old, a nun, and working in the poorhouse hospital. There she finds her long lost love Gabriel, dying of consumption.

So the teacher is sitting in the back of the room watching and listening and making notes on our performances. After I’m done I get a little slip of paper with my grade, A-, and the comment “Obviously well prepared!”

Well of course I didn’t tell her the truth!:smiley:

17

I don’t know if I’ve shared this story on here or not before, but here goes…

I’m known to like my Bloody Marys. Once, I was in the mood and we were out of the mix I like, Major Peters. Unfortunately, our town was dry then, so I had to drive a couple of counties over to get hooked up.

When I got there, the entire small city was out of power. Not to be dissuaded selling their biggest profit maker, one liquor store came up with an ingenuous solution. Customers lined up at the door, they’d tell “runners” what they wanted, and once their orders were filled, were allowed inside to settle up the bill manually.

Much good natured joking abounded while we waited. It finally came my turn and I told the lady what I needed. And much like she’d done previously, she yelled to the back what I wanted to purchase, “This lady needs some major peter!”

All I could do was smile and nod.

18

Alex Ashley?

19

Funny for them, embarrassment for me:

Last year I taught a MAT 115 class at a local college, and was using MS Excel (with projector) to show the students how to perform simple statistics on sampled data sets. Stuff like average, standard deviation, etc. The class consists of six women and one man.

I started the exercise by showing a set of data in cells B4 through B23. The first thing I did was have Excel count the number of data points (N) in the sample:

=COUNT(B4:B23)

But I didn’t type that. I screwed up and typed

=CUNT(B4:B23)

The students erupted in laughter, and I about died. :o One student asked, “So what does that function give you?”

20

This is really embarrassing, but it was so funny.

Once, a couple of years ago, I was in a heated argument with my teenaged son and I was so incredibly pissed at him. I don’t even know what I was going to say, but wires got crossed in my language center or something, and what actually came out of my mouth was, “'I’m going to deliberately fuck the shit out of you!”

:eek:
And then I said, “Oh wait, no, that’s not what I’m going to do!” It did break the tension and stopped the fight because we were too busy laughing.
We still laugh so hard about that.