Reminds me of a board game I once played with my uncle & my brother. One of the categories was to hum a song listed on the card and the other players had to guess the name of it. My uncle drew a card and said, “Hmm…I’ve heard of this song before, but I have no idea how it goes.”
Immediately my brother guessed: “Stairway to Heaven”? He was correct!
This one’s funny in hindsight, albeit rather juvenile:
When I was fourteen or so, I was playing a board game in the living room with some friends and my cat kept insisting on laying down in the middle of the board (as cats do) so I called my mom to do something about it. My Mom came into the room and said, "Would you like to eat, pussy?"
My friends laughed for ten minutes straight, I was mortified, and my mother was NOT amused…
Well, this ties in with my earlier post about broadcasters conflating two words or otherwise messing up initial consonants.
Folks in our area still talk about the time a local TV weatherman said:
“Looks like we have more wintery weather on its way. Right now there’s a cunt running through central Pennsylvania…”
A few weeks ago my sister said “Ya know what I want to get” and without missing a beat I said “A Chillow” She was pretty surprised that I randomly guessed it, but the commercials had been running on TV and we were talking about something somehow vaguely related a little earlier so I took a stab in the dark knowing it would be funny if I was right.
Okay, another one for me.
About a year ago, I was doing something or another at work and one of my employees said “Joey, have you ever had two women?”. I looked at her, confused and said “Like…at the same time” and she said “No, like the beer you’re carrying”
Nope… is this a reference I should get?
Guy off mrAru’s sub - used to toss the line to the dock without using the messenger line, did his way through college playing football, fills a doorway and causes small eclipses if he is between you and the sun … and I have no idea how he managed to cram his self into a rack :eek:
Back in the 70s, there was a Navy program called NESEP that sent selected mid-grade enlisted folks to college to get a degree in science or engineering followed by a commission. I was in this program studying engineering at Purdue. I was single at the time and I used to babysit for some of my classmates who had kids, which is how I got to be friends with S. I will note here that S, while only in his late 20s, had a rather pronounced receding hairline. He was also fairly low-key and soft-spoken - just a nice guy and doting father of 2 sons.
Between junior and senior year, we went to OCS, and S was in my company there. Occasionally after our training day was over, we might go out in a group to a local restaurant or club to have a drink and unwind. The evening in question, the party consisted of my roomie, one of our company “officers”, S, and me. We were having drinks before dinner and joking around. The subject of S’s hairline came up and I said "You know what it’s like that? Sometimes in class if the prof asks him a tough question, S will go <forehead smack> ‘I dunno!!’ " Three of us just cracked up, and S sat there, smirking at me, playing with the stemmed cherry in his drink. Then he lifted it by the stem, looked pointedly at it, then at me, and said “Trade ya…” We all lost it at that point!
Honest-to-goodness, to this day, 35 years later, I still haven’t figured out a proper comeback.
If she hasn’t ordered it yet, tell her not to waste her money.
I may have mentioned this before, but I was talking with a couple friends one time and mentioned that later that evening I was going to see (the film) Fahrenheit 9-11. One of the friends looked at me in complete confusion and said, “You’re going to see ferrets tonight at 11?”
Little kid with parent, standing behind overweight lady in grocery line when someone’s beeper sounded off.
Little kid: “lookout dad, she’s backing up!”
A few years ago, I had this huge crush on Steve Carell and went to all his movies. I asked my friend if he wanted to go with me to see “Dinner for Schmucks” and he said, “Who the hell is Jennifer Shmutz?!”
Oh, just remembered another one.
Sitting in a Long John Silver’s restaurant. A young mother and her 4 or 5-year old daughter are in an adjacent booth. Daughter seems to have a cold and her voice is a bit hoarse. Mother says, “what’s wrong? Have you got a frog in your throat?” Daughter, looking horrorstruck, says “No! it’s a little fish!”
One of the families we were friends with when I was growing up had 5 daughters with a 7-year span between the oldest and youngest. One fine spring morning as they all paraded into church dressed in their frilliest Sunday frippery one of the little old blue-haired church ladies said to the dad, “So, Gerald, you had a girl every time!?” To which he replied without missing a beat, “Oh, no ma’am. Lots of times we didn’t have anything!”
The day my BIL tried using his brand-new riding mower to move the picnic table. Yes, move the picnic table with the riding mower.
It, as you might expect, Did Not Go Well.
Not only did he trash the table and do some minor damage to the mower deck that later was an expensive repair because he waited so long, when he finally managed to make another pass after righting the overturned mower - he ran over his wallet. :D:D:D:D:D:D
I’ve told this one, but it’s been quite a long while:
I was in Guatemala with a military team teaching locals how to build Butler Huts. We were living in a local motel and ate a lot of our meals there. Most of the guys didn’t speak any Spanish past si or no.
I wandered into the cafe one day and Jimmy, one of our team members who was from Louisiana and who had a heavy accent from that neck of the woods, was sitting with his meal in front of him, a sandwich and three plates of French fries. I asked him if he was especially hungry.
“No”, he says, glumly. “I can’t get this stupid waitress to bring me what I want. I keep telling her I want mashed potatoes and she keeps bringing me fries.”
“Really? Well, that’s kind of odd.”
“Here, watch,” he says and calls her over. “MASHED POTATOES!” he says loudly, pointing at the fries.
“Mas?”, asked the woman incredulously.
“Si, mashed!” Jimmy replies, and the waitress walked away muttering to herself.
“Now watch,” says Jimmy, “she’s gonna bring me more fucking French fries.”
The same kind of thing happened to a host at a small town TV station near here. He was interviewing someone and wanted to say either “ace in the hole” or “ace up his sleeve” and it came out “ace up his hole”. Stifled hilarity ensued before they got back on track.
A woman I used to work with and her kids were out in a boat one day with a relative’s family when a girl from the other family started puking over the edge of the boat. The co-worker’s daughter turned to her mom and said, “No wonder she’s sick. She’s got all that puke in her stomach.”
The same co-worker above, at the reception when she got married for the second time, told her new husband that she didn’t have her cherry anymore, of course, but she still had the box it came in.
It’s always “Total Eclipse of the Heart.” 
I don’t get it - he lifted a cherry and looked at you?
Oh, that ain’t right!
I had a doctor for years who was an old-school proper gentleman, right down to wearing a bow tie and sporting a silvery sweep of white hair. Usually he had his PA do my annual lady exam, but one year he did it himself, with a nurse or aide sitting shotgun to keep everything proper.
Anyhow, I have a nicely-done tattoo of three entwined fish on the inside of my right knee. As I was in my position and doctor in his, readying the light and the speculum, there was a pause. And he exclaimed., “I didn’t know you had fish down here!”
::silence::
during which his nurse looked shocked and I briefly considered kicking him in the chest for making such an insensitive comment, until I realised he was talking about my tattoo.
Many years ago, I participated in the Big Brothers/Big Sisters program. One Sunday I took my “little brother,” who was maybe 8 at the time, to a Cleveland Indians game.
This was in the days of the old and venerable Municipal Stadium. The men’s restrooms back then had communal troughs as opposed to individual urinals. I had used these many times over the years without incident, but for some reason on this occasion I was afflicted with a case of “bashful kidney.”
Which was made immeasurably worse when my little brother, standing nearby, blurted out in a very loud voice, “What’s the matter, don’t you have to pee?”
