This sounds like some of the translated jokes in the thread about jokes from other countries. 
I didn’t want to offend anybody. 
A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life.
He said, “You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If you do, you’ll live to a nice ripe old age.” So the cowboy did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe old age of 96. When he died he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren …and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
I hate Russian dolls…
They’re so full of themselves.
A plateau
is the highest form of flattery.
Never give up on your dreams.
Keep sleeping.
The mourners looked on aghast as the coffin toppled out of the car.
“We’ll have to rehearse that”, said the undertaker.
Butane really is a magical substance
It’s a heavy liquid but a lighter fluid
Where do Olympic Gymnasts Go to Drink?
Uneven bars.
Q. How do they fill the swimming pool at the Olympic Games?
A. Mark Spitz.
For those of you too young to remember, American swimmer Mark Spitz won seven gold medals in the 1972 Munich Olympics.
What’s green and slides across the ice?
Peggy Phlegm.
What’s yellow and sticky, and shoots a Winchester really fast?
Mucus McCain.
They also go to parallel bars.
The uneven bars are parallel.
How did the airport die?
From terminal cancer.
I ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s today…
His mom got REALLY angry with me…
There are two types of people I hate.
- Racists
- The French
If you drink enough, they’re all uneven bars.
Reminds me of one…
Three married couples get in a multi-car accident, die and find themselves waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter meets the first couple, checks his records and says to the man, “your wife’s name is Penny, so obviously all your life you only cared about money, living a life of avarice. You don’t deserve to be here- take the escalator down to the other place.”
The second couple steps up and St. Peter says to the man, “your wife’s name is Sherry, so you clearly thought of nothing but your next drink and wasted your life. Go follow the other couple downstairs.”
The husband of the third couple turns to his wife and says “come on, we may as well not even bother, Fanny.”
A soldier ran up to a nun.
Out of breath he asked: “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later.”
The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police officer ran up and asked: “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”
The nun replied: “He went that way.”
After the Military Police officers ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said: “I can’t thank you enough Sister. You see, I don’t want to go to war to Iraq.”
The nun said: “I understand completely.”
The soldier added: “I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!”
The nun replied: "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls… I don’t want to go to Iraq either!
What do you call the fear of giants?
FeeFiPhobia
Jack and Jill went up the hill
to fetch a pail of water.
Jill came down with half-a-crown;
She didn’t go for water,
This is the way I heard it:
Jack and Jill went up the hill
They each had a buck and a quarter
Jill came back with two and a half
They didn’t go up there for water
My Jack and Jill entry:
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water
I dunno what they did up there
But now they have a daughter
I heard it as:
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water -
Jill forgot to take the Pill
And now they have a daughter.
–Andrew Dice Clay