I loved all three of these!
Q. What did the Buddha say to the hot dog vendor?
A. Make me one with everything!
The Buddha pays with a $10 note, but the vendor turns straight to the next customer. “What about my change?” asks the Buddha, to which the vendor replies “Change must come from within”.
As I get older I think about all the people I’ve lost along the way
Maybe being a tour guide wasn’t for me
To the person who invented the zero…
…thanks for nothing.
Why isn’t Medusa politically correct?
She is always objectifying people
Yes, the famous “Chinese” comic John Kenneth Galbraith. (wikipedia page)
(don’t worry - I thought the line came from Yakov Smirnoff)
A rather lengthy one:
a guy goes to a psychologist,and tell him: “every night I made the same dream. I walk in a forest, a pixie comes out of the bushes, tell me “Pee-Pee?” I answer “Yes, pee-pee” and when I wake up, I pissed my bed.”
well, said the psy, try to resist and that will cease.
The next night, the guy dreams, the pixie come “Pee-pee?” “No, no, non, no, I don’t want to!” " Oh, pee-pee??" “Ok, then pee-pee…” and the next morning, he still pissed his bed. He goes back to the psy: “You tried and you will resist more this night”
So, the guy dreams again…you can stretch this one a looooong time, each night the pixie has to wait more… and one night, the guy resist: ‘Pee-pee ! !" No “Pee_pee??” No “PEEEE-PEEE ! !” No
“no pee-pee?” No and the the little pixie goes back in the bushes. When the guy wakes up, the bed is clean! With joy, he goes to the psy and they rejoice! and at night he sleeps with no fear for the first time. He dreams again of the forest, and again the pixie come, but humble this time: "No pee-pee?’ No “No pee-pee…THEN POO-POO!”
The bathroom is the International room. First - you’re a Russian, then European, then you’re Finnish.
What do you call Batman after he gets beaten up? Bruised Wayne.
What does Batman do in the morning? He gets up, puts on his Batrobe, and goes to the Batroom.
Have you heard of Medusa’s sister Mepoosa? Instead of snake heads, its their tails:
(shakes head and goes “pbbbbbbbbb…”)
Just watch where European…
Keep on your toes when European.
Son: “Mom, Dad, I’m gay.”
Mom: Stares at Dad
Dad: Clenches fist
Mom: “Don’t!”
Dad: Sweats Profusely
Mom: “…”
Dad: “HI GAY, I’M DAD”
I will never forget what my grandpa told me right before he died
“Are you still holding the freaking ladder?”
When my kid is upset I let her color my tattoo!
She just needs a shoulder to crayon.
I’d rather die in my sleep, like my Grandfather
Than screaming like the passengers in his car.
European on my lawn and if you don’t stop, I’m gonna call the police.
How timely!
We had a staff meeting yesterday, and we’re going back to wearing masks in the office. To make it fun the president announced a contest to design a mask (extra points if it can be replicated). A cow-orker replied, ‘I can barely spell my name, much less use color crayons!!’ So I stole your joke: ‘I know a guy who lets his girlfriend colour in his tattoo when she’s upset. He gives her a shoulder to crayon.’
What were Marcel Marceau’s last words?
(Begin miming frantically)
Did you hear about the glassblower who inhaled? He got a pane in his stomach.
How about the glassblower who came down with the hiccups? He turned out 1000 percolator caps before they stopped.
The neurosurgeon thinks he runs his practice very intelligently…
…but his patients are the real brains of the operation.
How does Spider-Man think of such witty comebacks?
Because with great power comes great response ability.
Why is Alabama the smartest state?
Because it has four A’s and one B.
What did the seal with a paintbrush say?
Art art
Two people making love is a twosome…
…three people making love is a threesome
That must be why they call me handsome.
I just got nine out of 10 on my driver’s test.
The last guy was able to get out of the way.
I spotted an albino Dalmatian. It was the least I could do.