More Jokes

When Chuck Norris does a push up, his body doesn’t go up, the Earth goes down.

When Chuck walks into a room, he doesn’t turn on a light, he turns off the dark.

Chuck can dribble a bowling ball.

Chuck can kill two stones with one bird.

What’s the last thing that goes through a zombie’s mind before he dies? Chuck’s foot.

You can’t divide by zero…but Chuck Norris can.

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An American, a Canadian and a Slobbovian walk into a bar and order drinks.

American: I’ll have a Woody Allen Film.
Bartender: I’ve never heard of that drink. What’s a Woody Allen Film?
American: Manhattan.
So the bartender makes a Manhattan.

Canadian: I’ll have a Robertson Head.
Bartender: I’ve never heard of that drink. What’s a Robertson Head?
Canadian: Screwdriver.
So the bartender makes a Screwdriver.

Slobbovian: I’ll have Sixteen.
Bartender: I’ve never heard of that drink. What’s Sixteen?
Slobbovian: 7 and 7.

Answering Machine Message 205

Hello. If you’re calling with bad news, leave your message now.
If it’s good news, wait for the tone.


If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.


Mountain aren’t just funny,

their hill areas.

Looking for a Mr. Sexhauer, a man in Washington called at the Senate Interstate and Foreign Commerce Committee. Helping him, an employee called the Banking and Currency Committee by telephone to check, and inquired politely, “Do you have a Sexhauer over there?”
“Sex hour?” the switchboard operator snapped. “We don’t even get a coffee break.”

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A man with an excruciating toothache called his dentist’s office to schedule an appointment. The receptionist asked, “Two - thirty all right?” The man replied, “Yes, tooth hurty, all right. Why the hell do you think I called the dentist?”

One I seem to recall…

Stranger—approach this site with gravity.
The dentist who lies here has filled has last cavity.

They missed this one:

How epic that she died on her birthday!

I remember that as a Dixie Cup joke:

“When is it time to see the dentist?”
“Two-thirty.”

Just to note for academic reasons that, historically, this has been a “Chinese dentist” joke. It’s gratifying to see the ethnic stereotype fall away without losing the basis of the joke.

Adam and Eve are lounging around one day when she says, “Hey, want to have sex?” Adam asks what that is, so she removes both their fig leaves and gives it to him. He’s amazed…“That’s sex?”

“Yep, I thought you’d like it. I’m going to go down to the river to wash up.”

She leaves and he’s still catching his breath when a voice booms from the sky.

ADAM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Eve and I just had sex.
DID YOU LIKE IT?
It was fantastic!
WHERE IS SHE NOW?
She went to the river to wash up.
OH NO, NOW ALL THE FISH ARE GOING TO SMELL LIKE THAT!

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works. “I’ve pulled you over for speeding, Ma’am. Could I see your drivers license?” “What’s a license?” replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump. “It’s usually in your wallet,” replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. “Now may I see your registration?” asked the cop. “Registration… what’s that…?” asked the blonde. “It’s usually in your glove compartment,” said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration. “I’ll be back in a minute.” said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer called in to the dispatch to run a check on the woman’s license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, “Ummm… is this woman driving a red sports car?” “Yes.” replied the officer “Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?” asked the dispatcher. “Uh… yes.” replied the cop. “Here’s what you do,” said the dispatcher. “give her the stuff back, and drop your pants.” “What? I can’t do that. Its… inappropriate.” exclaimed the cop. “Trust me. Just do it.” said the dispatcher. So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs… “Ohh no… not another breathalyzer…”

source: Breathalyzer Joke - Blonde Jokes

A blonde police officer pulls over a blonde driver. The officer asks for her driver’s license. “Driver’s license?” “Yeah, it’s a little rectangle with your picture on it.” The driver roots around in her purse, pulls out a little mirror, looks at it, then hands it to the officer. The officer looks at the mirror and says, “Well, why did you tell me you were a cop?”

If I had a dollar for every girl who found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me very attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they’re flashing behind you.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn’t find it.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

“Are you familiar with the work of Heisenberg?”
“Uncertain.”

“Have you heard of Pavlov?”
“Rings a bell.”

A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in
Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class
section and sits down. The flight attendant watches
her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells
the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will
have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, “I’m
blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Montreal and I’m
staying right here.” The flight attendant goes into
the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that
there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that
belongs in Economy and won’t move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to
explain that because she only paid for Economy she
will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde
replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to
Montreal and I’m staying right here.”
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should
have the police waiting when they land to arrest this
blonde woman that won’t listen to reason.
The pilot says, “I’ll handle this. I’m married to a
blonde. I have learned to speak 'blonde.”
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and
without question she gets up and moves back to her seat
in the Economy section. The flight attendant and co-pilot
are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move
without any fuss.
“I told her First Class isn’t going to Montreal.”

This is a little too close to a rape joke to be appropriate here.

Not my intent, apologies. Please delete the post if you see fit.

I was kidnapped by mimes once…

…they did unspeakable things to me.


What is house arrest for grown-ups?

“Your package will be delivered tomorrow between 9AM and 5PM.”


I went to the Doctor and was told that my love of deli meats was going to kill me.

I had to quit cold turkey.

7 posts were split to a new topic: “Post Jokes From All Over The World” [Not US & England]

Two engineers and a statistician go duck hunting. A duck flies overhead and the engineers take a shot. The first engineer says, “Dang, I was 2 meters in front of him.” The second engineer takes says, “Dang, I was 2 meters behind him.” The statistician says, “Good job boys, you got him!”

(a little dated, but whatever)

Where did Prince Charles spend his honeymoon?

Indiana.

“Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?

Are they afraid someone will clean them?”–George Carlin


“I come from a stupid family.

During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”–Rodney Dangerfield.


A man is struggling to find a parking space.

“Lord,” he prays. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.”

Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man says: “Never mind, I found one!”