“Post Jokes From All Over The World” [Not US & England]

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Old jokes, new jokes… Not only for the laughs, but I think you can learn a lot from humor, especially with a date to correspond with the events of the time.

I was just talking to a friend about jokes from all over, and he told me one that was excellent.

Here’s an Iraqi joke from not too long ago:
Saddam Hussein goes on a hunting trip with his Vice-President Tariq Aziz and Secretary General Izzat al-Douri… Aziz takes his rifle, points to the sky, and shoots the bird, and down he goes. Al-Douri takes his rifle, points to the sky, shoots the bird, and down he goes… Saddam takes his rifle, aims at a bird, and misses. He tries to shoot the same bird again, but misses again. Now the other guys are nervous. Saddam takes his third shot at the same bird, aims, but misses.

Tariq Aziz replies, “I can’t believe that bird is still flying after being shot THREE times!”

Here’s another modern joke, this time from Russia…
“A young soldier is asked: ‘If you see twenty combat soldiers, what would you do?’”
“‘I would take an AK47 and shoot them.’ ‘Good.’ ‘What if a tank was coming at you?’ ‘I would take a rocket launcher and defend myself,’” the general continues.
“‘And what if you see planes, tanks and combat soldiers together?’ He replies: ‘General, am I the only one in this army?’”

2

Q: What do the Chinese national women’s volleyball and national men’s soccer teams have in common?

A: Neither knows how to play soccer!

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FROM RUSSIA:

A guy goes to a psychiatrist and says “Doc, you gotta help me. I’m a sex maniac!”

The psychiatrist pulls out some ink blots and says “Tell me what you see.”

The guy looks at the first card and says “I see two butterflies. And they’re fucking.”

The guy looks at the second card and says “I see two four-legged animals. And they’re fucking..”

The guy looks at the third card and says “I see trillions of galaxies. Hundreds of billions of stars are orbiting the center of each galaxy. Billions of planets are orbiting the stars. On each planet, there are billions of people. And they’re all fucking!”

4

From Mexico: “What’s the fastest make of car in the world?”
“El Prestado”

(The word means “borrowed” — but it also sounds like a typical (usually American) car make name.)

5

(this merging doesn’t make sense… completely different)

There was a Chinese comic in the 80s who moved to the US and had a great joke.

“Capitalism is the system where man exploits man. Communism is the opposite”.

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I agree. I was looking forward to more jokes from foreign places and languages, and enjoyed contributing my joke I learned when I lived in Mexico.

Perhaps the OP could be reworded. The SDMB isn’t just Americans, after all — though it is basically English-language-only.

@What_Exit

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I agree too. I liked having a thread just for international jokes. Merging them destroyed it.

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Please note I broke the thread back out, but your OP wasn’t very clear and next time PM me about such please. I added the little bit more to the Title, but if you want it phrased better, PM me.

9

I’m told that Finns tell a joke against themselves, namely that they are mostly so introverted they will look at their shoes when talking to you - a Finnish extrovert, on the other hand, will look at your shoes.

PS: I know this is a gross libel - here’s a Finnish musician joking - in perfect English - with a concert audience, and getting them to sing in Finnish.

10

Here’s an Australian vs Kiwi joke.

A Japanese guy who has emigrated to Australia is determined to become fully Australian. He goes to his doctor - who is from New Zealand - and the doctor laughs at him and tells him to stop being ridiculous because to become fully Australian would involve removing one third of his brain.

The Japanese guy goes away disappointed but after a few weeks of thinking about it he comes back to his doctor and insists that - despite the necessity for drastic brain surgery - he is absolutely determined to become fully Australian. The doctor very reluctantly sends him off for the surgery.

He has the surgery and when he wakes up afterward the surgeon is hovering over him anxiously and says “I’m very sorry but unfortunately I read the instructions about what I was supposed to do incorrectly. Instead of taking out one third of your brain and leaving two thirds, I took out two thirds of your brain and left one third”

The Japanese guy says “Oh shut, thet’s terrible, bro!”

11

In North Korea, to break the ice with the ultra-cautious guide, we asked her to tell us a local joke. She said:

In the dead of night, a burglar sneaks into a house but steps on a creaky board. To disguise himself as a cat, he calls out, “cat, cat!”

I told her a Hungarian joke:

Two policemen walking down the street see a mirror lying on the ground. The first one leans over it and says, “Hey, that guy looks familiar.” The second one pushes the first aside, peers into the mirror and says, “Of course he does, you idiot - that’s me!”

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In the 1970s, an old Soviet man is applying for his pension and is given a questionnaire to fill out, which he does as thus;

Q: Where were you born?
A: St. Petersburg.

Q: Where did you go to school?
A: Petrograd.

Q: Where do you live now?
A: Leningrad.

Q: Where would you like to live?
A: St. Petersburg.

13

In 1976 in the USSR a man is notified that his application to be permitted a car - which has been under consideration since 1975 - has been approved. He goes to the Ministry of Transport to pick up the car but is told there is a long waiting list.

“Oh, when will car be ready?”

“22 June 1979, comrade. You pick up in the morning.”

“Oh. That is no good. Can I pick up in the afternoon?”

“Yes but why?”

“Plumber coming to fix toilet that morning.”

14

Another Soviet era joke:

A Bolshevik has been standing in line for meat for several hours. Unfortunately, they run out just before his turn. Frustrated, the Bolshevik bitterly complains to the meat distributor. “Comrade, I fought in the wars, served my country, and this is my reward? I have been a loyal member of the Communist Party and I have nothing to show for it!”

The distributor puts his hand on the Bolshevik’s shoulder. “Comrade, you should count your blessings. See that guard over there? Last year, he would have shot you for speaking against the mother country in public like that.”

The Bolshevik returns to his home. His wife sees him empty-handed, and asks “What happened? Did they run out of meat?”

“It’s worse,” he replies. “They ran out of bullets!”

15

East Germany:
A citizen orders a Trabant car. The salesman tells him to come back to pick it up in exactly nine years. The customer asks: ‘Am I to come back in the morning or in the evening then?’ — ‘You’re joking, aren’t you? What is the difference?’ — ‘Well sir, the plumber’s coming in the morning.’

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I was once told by an Australian that her father was down to travel with a NZ colleague, and waited for half an hour by the KFC concession before realising that his colleague had said “check-in counter”.

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I’ve heard this somewhere before but I’m having trouble putting my finger on where…

18

Damn. I thought I went through the whole thread.

19

Your version is punchier, I like it

20

Thai immigrants told me these two jokes. Apparently, Thailand has a lot of tourism, and a lot of poverty. The result is a lot of property crime.

A plane is carrying the president of the United States, the Queen of England, and the prime minister of Thailand.

At one point, the president looks down and announces, “We’re over my country now”.

“How do you know?”, he’s asked.

“Look”, he points out. “Eagles. The United States of America”.

Later, the queen looks down and announces, “We’re over my country now”.

“How do you know?”, she’s asked.

She points out the castles. “England”.

Later, the prime minister of Thailand announces, “We’re over my country now”.

“How do you know?”, he’s asked.

“Look at your watches”, he answers.

They do. Their watches have been stolen.

A cruise ship at sea catches fire. The purser asks the captain what he should tell the passengers.

The captain thinks for a minute and says, "Tell the American passengers that this is going to be… an adventure. Tell the British passengers that this is going to be… an honor. Tell the French passengers that this is going to be… romantic. Tell the Chinese passengers that this is going to be… free.

The purser asks, “What should I tell the Thai passengers?”

The captain replies, “Doesn’t matter. They’ve already stolen the life boat and left”.