There was once a nice, beautiful girl that ran away. Her parents were worried about her whereabouts and called police and mentioned their suspicions about whom she ran away with, they pointed at the Taliban. Suspecting incoming terrorism, the authorities investigated harder than it was usual and tracked the girl and the suspects.
It turned out that she had run away with a so-and-so guy called Ivan. ([Spanish] El Tal Ivan [/Spanish])
[Some background: In Spanish language countries someone who is unknown is sometimes referred as “Fulano de Tal” like one would say so-and-so, John Doe or Jane Doe. “El Tal” (of such) bit is used sometimes to refer to someone that, while known, is a bit despised by the speaker, as in wishing that it would have remained unknown.]
There isn’t enough room in the life boats so captain needs to get four men to stay behind.
He tells the Englishman, “Gentlemen let the ladies and children go first.”
He tells the American, “You will be a hero.”
He tells the German, “It’s the rule.”
He tells the Japanese, “Everyone else is staying behind.”
I originally heard this one in Japanese, although there’s nothing particularly Japanese about it.
A man and his wife got married and then lived with his family. It took forever, but they finally had a baby. However for the longest time, the little girl wouldn’t talk. She never said a word. Everyone started worrying, but finally, she said her first word. “Grandma.”
Everyone was so excited and thrilled, especially Grandma. However, that night, Grandma died.
The little girl didn’t talk again for a long time, but then eventually said her second word, “Grandpa.” That night, Grandpa died.
Sometime later, she said her third word, “Mommy.” That night her mother died.
Finally, she said her next word, “Daddy.”
That night, the next door neighbor died.
At an international conference on the pandemic, they asked the panelistswhat was necessary to help the situation.
The American said, “Courage.”
The German said, “Rules.”
The French person said, “Love.”
The Japanese said, “Technology.”
The Russian said, “Vodka.”
The others said, “Can vodka control the pandemic?”
The Russian said, “Nothing can help the pandemic, but vodka can help the worries.”
</absurd chippiness>
Did you hear about the Scottish brass player who got a bugle stuck up his arse?
He had to rootitoot
</absurd chippiness>
Russian joke: A flock of sheep are trying to leave the country.
Border official: What is your reason for leaving Russia?
Sheep: We heard the secret police are having a crackdown on giraffes.
Border official: But you sheep look nothing like giraffes!
Sheep: Comrade, I know this. You know this. But just try telling the secret police!
President Hosni Mubarak is returning to Egypt and arrives at customs.
“Show your passport, please.”
“But I’m President Mubarak. I don’t need a passport!”
“Sorry, but everyone must show us identification.”
“I’m the president! I don’t need identification.”
“Well, you need to prove who you are, as we don’t recognize you.”
“How am I to do that?”
"Well, two weeks ago Fatima the famous belly dancer arrived with no ID, but she did a little dance and we said “Of course, Fatima, it’s obviously you. Welcome home! Then last week, Ahmed the famous singer arrived with the same problem. He sang us a song and we recognized him immediately and let him through.”
“But I can’t dance and I can’t sing. . .I can’t do anything.”
“Of course, Mister President, welcome home.”
It’s interesting that I’ve heard versions of most of these jokes here in Canada. So, either they aren’t as regional as some people think, or Canada is the UN of humor.
Liam finds his friend Gabriel on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. Liam asks what’s wrong, but poor Gabriel is speechless. Liam waits until Gabriel regains some composure, then says, “I’m your friend, you can talk to me. Please tell me what’s wrong.” Gabriel says, “I had to touch the principal!”
A joke that got a friend of mine minus 30 points on a Norwegian radio call in show, reimagined to work in English:
A band teacher murders his entire class of middle schoolers and is sentenced to the electric chair. But when the sentence is to be put into effect he is entirely unaffected. Seeing this as a sign from God the Governor pardons him.
Somehow he manages to get another job as a band teacher, under an assumed name, and after a year or so he murders his entire class again, and is once again sentenced to the electric chair this time in Federal court. But once again the chair has no effect on him and seeing it as a sign from God the President pardons him and sets the FBI to monitor him and keep him away from schools and children.
He evades them though and goes back to teaching middle school band for a while, until he murders another class. Once again he is sent to the chair, but after it once again fails the President demands to talk to him and discover what is going on.
What is going on? The President asked. Are you a messenger from God? The spawn of the devil? What IS GOING ON?
And the guy answers: Oh, it’s just that I’m a very bad conductor.
(this is hard to translate but I’ll do my best)
An Argentinian, an Englishman and an USAian (“yanqui”, we say here, but I imagine that could be offensive to someone from Alabama) are discussing their respective countries greatest inventions.
The Englishman says “We invented the (Battle) Tank!”
“Meh, I rub that against my balls” (“me lo paso por los huevos”, slang meaning “I don’t care for it”) say the other two.
The USAian says “We invented the airplane!”
“Meh, I rub that against my balls” say the other two.
The Argentinian says “We invented Razor Wire”
…
Argentinian jokes, Type B: “We suck”.
Some are born lucky, others in Argentina.
Don’t lose hope! There’s a way out of this shitty situation and is in Ezeiza (Buenos Aires international Airport)
Variations of the Thai joke about stolen clocks with Argentina replacing Thailand.
Argentinian jokes, Type C: “We are insufferably self-aggrandizing”.(most of them probably originally invented by non-Argentinians who were exposed to this charming characteristic)
“The best investment in the world is buying an argentinian for what he’s worth and selling him for what he believes to be his worth”
“How does an Argentinian kills himself? he jumps from his Ego”.
An Argentinian is having sex with a girl and the girl climaxes and starts yelling “Oh God’ , 'Oh God!”.
“Call me Carlos”, says he.
A Brit is standing in line to enter Australia. The Aussie customs official examines his papers, and then for some reason asks, “Have you ever been convicted of a crime?”
The Brit replies, “I wasn’t aware that was still a requirement”.
(A late colleague of mine claimed to have actually witnessed this in line behind the Brit).
One day a journalist, hard-up for a story, was sitting on an Australian beach.
As he gazed pensively out to sea, he saw a young woman thrashing about in the
water. Upon further observation, he saw a shark circling her. His adrenalin
pumping, he wondered what he could do to save her. Then a well built young
man, who was jogging along the beach, suddenly dashed into the sea, karate
chopped the shark, killing it, and helped the young woman swim to the beach.
The excited journalist, seeing a fantastic story, ran up to the young man and
said, "That was the most courageous thing I’ve ever seen in my life. I’m
going to let the world know about this. You’ll be famous. I can see it now, “Brave Bronzed Aussie Saves Girl From Killer Shark!”
The young man turned to the journalist and said, “But I’m British.”
The journalist replied, without losing enthusiasm, “Oh, that doesn’t matter.”
The next day, the headlines read, Pommie Bastard Kills Girl’s Pet
